Iperiod App Teaser

Stop teasing me IP App with the alert that my period is late by one day... I used to get these alerts and think "I'm pregnant!". But these alerts aren't unusual, even by 2 or 3 or 4 days with me.

My mind doesn't wander into the fairy land of motherhood with this alert like it used too :) and I am thankful for that. Although it would be awesome to see a late period result from pregnancy... It just doesn't seem to happen in this neck of the woods.

I'll keep praying for God to prepare my heart for what is in store. I know it is something good :) and better than a late period alert!

Something that only He knows and will reveal in His time.

A New Year... well almost :)

New Year's Eve (sigh). Next month marks 2 1/2 years of me and R trying to grow our family and I cannot believe be how content I am right now. I think it is because I know that we will be given the gift of loving and nurturing one or more of God's little angels :) Whether through biological, foster, or adopting, I believe we will be parents.

What I learned in 2011 is:

• Don't put God in a box (don't place limits on the Almighty God)
• God before others, others before self. We are called to LOVE others no matter their circumstances or offenses (and this does not mean simply smiling at a stranger... it means really loving them, sympathizing with them, wanting the best for them)
• Pray (and think) before you act
• Talk about how "I am feeling" with others. Don't hold everything in. God has given me supportive family and friends to share with.
• I am inclined to be FAR more selfish than I ever thought I was or could be. Because of that always ask: Who am I serving with my actions, thoughts, or words.
• When I do become a mother, I think I will appreciate it much more than I ever would have not going through any of this (not that other moms are less appreciative).

Happy New Year!

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19       

What I Want

When I express enthusiasm about adopting/fostering several people say things like "Well I wouldn't want to have to adopt." "Well that would be to hard to give back a baby after caring for it." "I would want to experience pregnancy." ... And I have to admit, I also felt all of these things at one point.

BUT thankfully, this experience has taught me that nothing is about what I wanted. What I wanted was serving me alone, what I wanted was thinking of myself and my husband alone. Now I am filled with a passion for what God wants and serving Christ alone :)

I do want to start giving back to the orphan, fatherless, poor because it is spelled out in scripture that we should do so. God does not say it is optional... He demands it.

Even if R and I do not adopt I still want to give to this ministry in other ways. There are so many ways to give that do not have to include money:

• Pray for them.
• Give your time. Volunteer.
• Mentor a child in need.
• Give financially

I am so glad to have a heart for the children who are without parents. They are so innocent, so undeserving of the bad hand they have been dealt.


So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. Exodus 22:22

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Ramblings

Lately, I've really been trying to focus on the positive... However, it is easy because there are positive things happening in our lives right now :) But I'm learning that every attitude in every situation takes effort.

I don't just wake up in a good mood every morning, not thinking about the fact that I am not yet a mother. Somedays I have to actively choose not to dwell on it. Somedays I have to literally tell myself "You are not going to give in to this negativity today."

Yes I do need those day with a gallon of ice cream, old movies, and a box of kleenex; but I want to be able to choose a better day. And the fact is... I can choose a better day, a better attitude. With God's help, my burden can be lighter.

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

God is AMAZING!

I am witnessing God's faithfulness in our lives constantly during this Christmas season. Sometimes the Lord waits until the very last minute to deliver us. However, the point is.... He does, in deed, deliver His children :) And I am so thankful for that!

When I really feel His love... I mean when it really hits me... I feel completely overwhelmed by it. The Grace He has given is so amazing.

We are starting a new chapter of our lives soon :) I am so excited about it! A new chapter of simplicity, a greater focus on the Lord, and sharing with others.

Lately, I feel the Lord is placing a passion for a certain something in my heart (still keeping a secret, lol). I had NO IDEA this passion even existed until recently :) I have to admit I am kind of nervous about it. I'm not sure where it will take me/us. BUT I do know that God is in the driver's seat. I know that He will provide all things for His plan unfold perfectly.

Prayer request:
Please just pray that the Lord will prepare me and Mr. R's hearts for whatever the future holds :) Pray that we surrender ourselves, our ambitions, our wants to His call. Pray that we have a heart filled with love that only God can provide.

Thank you!

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

 

Too Funny!

Stole this from a friends blog.

" ‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!"

Awesome!!!

Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

Conclusion to my 2nd to last post :)

Conclusion: It feels good to let it out sometimes... Maybe not in a hysterical crying way (lol), but def. in a talk about things calmly sort of way :)

Yesterday I had the chance to calmly discuss some of what R and I are going through with a family member. And I gotta tell ya... It felt pretty good :) Now there wasn't any intense emotional conversation, but it was nice that some one was showing some compassion towards our struggle. Not to say that other people don't, but sometimes once people know we have been ttc for a while w/o success they don't say anything about our problem, are very careful to not mention anything baby around us, or almost avoid "it" all together.

Now, I know I blog a lot about insensitive things people say, so it may sound like a contradiction when I say it feels good to discuss our issues with others BUT there is a difference in asking questions for selfish/judgemental reasons and asking them bc you are truly concerned. I love discussing things with those "truly concerned"... it is like free (and much needed) therapy, LOL.

When people literally avoid discussing anything baby with me it makes me feel like they look at me as if something is wrong with me :-/ Like "infertility" is some sort of plague that you should be ashamed of.

On the other hand, there are times that it is hard for me to hear people talk about pregnancy, babies, birth plans. BUT HEY!.. I'm a big girl. If I need to leave the room and cry or pray by myself I'll do it. I would rather mourn not being pregnant than feel like a hush comes over the room when I/we walk in.
P.S. When I do need to "leave the room." I don't need a lot of attention bc of it. Maybe just a little prayer or a hug is all, and some understanding that "it is ok to cry or be upset at times."

"Can I handle all that baby talk?" Well some days yes and some days no... But I definitely know that I cannot handle being isolated from friends/family who are pregnant just bc we are not yet.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.
Romans 12:10

The Infertility Treatment vs. Adoption Wars!?! (borrowed)

Love this post from that I borrowed from this BLOG! It is on the money :)

"I’m as competitive as the next person. Whether I’m playing dominoes, tennis or Trivial Pursuit, I like to win. I don’t often, but I like to. Competition can be a force for good: spurring us, challenging us, pushing us. But competition does NOT belong in family building. It’s one thing if those ignorant of the pain of infertility question our choices, but those within our infertility/adoption community need to support each other. From where I sit with one foot in the infertility world and one foot in the adoption world, I see way too much competition, and it drives me nuts.
Infertile and adopting couples get it from all sides. I probably hear it more because my work and radio show cover the waterfront of all alternative methods of family building, but you don’t have to scratch the surface of many internet forums or support group meetings to hear it for yourself. It may be subtle, but it’s there all the same. People who adopt internationally hear “Why didn’t you adopt children here in the US?” People who adopt infants domestically hear “Why didn’t you adopt from foster care.” People going through IVF, especially after the first failed round, hear “Why don’t you just adopt.” People moving to adoption after infertility hear “Why are you quitting, I know of someone who got pregnant on the _______(third, fifth, tenth) IVF cycle.” And heaven help the folks who choose to adopt without being infertile. They are almost past commenting, but they still hear plenty of “don’t you want children of your own?”
Competition assumes that there is something to win—that one way is better. Oh, if only infertility and adoption were so clear. What’s right for me may not be, and probably isn’t, right for you. And what’s right for you right now, may very likely change in the future. Although we share the pain of wanting children, everyone’s journey is unique.
Many of these comments come from folks who have never needed an alternative way to form their families. They ditch the condoms, buy a bottle of wine, and nine months later welcome a child into their family. For these people, the issue isn’t competition, just ignorance and insensitivity. Deal with them as you see fit, preferably without physical violence.
I want to address the green-eyed monster’s presence within our community. The dirty laundry we wouldn’t necessarily want to share with the rest of the world. People in infertility treatment may question how you can give up the biological connection. People who adopt may question why someone would continue with the uncertainty and expense of infertility treatments. People who adopt domestically may question why someone would adopt from abroad when there are kids right here at home that need families. People using their own eggs for IVF may question how someone could use donor eggs without exhausting all other options first. People who adopt children already born may question why someone would adopt an embryo.
I don’t have a problem with real, honest to goodness questions. I’m all for increased dialog and understanding. But the intent of a real question is to receive information. Many of these so-called questions are veiled, or not so veiled, attempts to judge the other person’s decision. These questions come with an inherent sense of the superiority of one method of family building.
Let’s face it; most of us opt for the easiest way to have kids. For some, there is no easy way, but they choose the next step that feels most comfortable. Ease and comfort are individual and may change with time. We have no control over what other’s outside of the sisterhood and brotherhood of alternative family building say, but we can control what we say. Let’s make a pact to celebrate all forms of family creation and drop the sense, at least outwardly, that one way is the best way. If we end up with the family we want, then we have won."

• I have actually heard the "why don't y'all just adopt?" question... My thought = Why don't you just give me 20-40k bucks? lol
• I have heard "Don't you want to have children of your own?" My thought = Our children, no matter what path is chosen for us, will be our own.
• I have heard "Why are y'all giving up? I haven't given up on y'all" My thought = either way we go, treatment or adoption, we will arrive at the same destination. Neither is giving up. Both are an extraordinary blessing from God... One is not Better than the other in my mind just different ways of getting to the same place... Parenthood :)

How does it feel ?

I have had people try to compare our struggle with trying to become pregnant with their "bad days" or "wanting a day off" or "a day with their misbahaving children" or "wishing they could go back to when they were childless" I KNOW ALMOST ALL OF THESE REMARKS ARE WELL INTENTIONED. That is why I try to let them roll off my back. Because it is impossible for them to truly feel my hurt unless they have experienced it. (Also if you are reading this and have said one of the above. No hard feelings at all! you are not the enemy and I know that)

However, unless any of the above thought-to-be comparable situations send you into a sobbing panic attack where you find it hard to breathe and you cannot even think of speaking because words simply cannot be formed b/t your sobs, your eyes nearly swell shut from crying so hard, and this happens over and over and over again... It just doesn't come close to comparing. I promise that I am not a being overly dramatic and throwing a fit because I can't have something I want and it makes me upset; instead it is a real physical and emotional pain that I have never felt before this in my life! I do not enjoy crying so hard I can't see or having a hard time breathing, it is just HOW I FEEL on somedays.

I AM ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY... But I have a hard time explaining "how I feel about what we are experiencing" to anyone. Since I was very young I have had this thought that I am supposed to be strong and never appear weak (or cry so hard I can't breathe around others). And BOY O BOY how that line of thinking has been turned upside down with this ordeal, lol.  I know God is using this time to help me realize I need Him and I do not have to be strong because He is strong for me... I know He wants me to break down in sobs and cry out for help. And I am realizing more and more each day that is what I need to do. And I often do...

BUT when I am discussing our troubles with others it is hard for me to do this... I don't know why, but I just feel the urge to "put on that brave face" and hold back the tears. I literally have had to leave social/family gatherings because I know I am about to breakdown. A friend of mine going through a very similar situation once said "It is like trying to keep that knot in your throat in one spot..." so it does not burst into an uncontrolable breakdown. and I knew exactly what knot she was referring too because I have that same knot everytime I discuss our babymaking obstacles with someone. And then I think "what if?"

What if I stopped trying to control that knot? Would that help others understand what I am feeling? Would it help me to let it out to other people?

I am not sure what the answer to that is. I know that when I "let go" when I am alone with God or with my husband once the tears have passed, sometimes that takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes 4 hours (literally), I feel an amazing peace and comfort come over me.

So... How do I feel when that intense pain comes over me?.. It is all I can do to not fall to the ground (literally), I have a hard time speaking to or seeing people (even if it is a phone call), I literally cannot form words, I literally have to remind myself to breathe, my chest aches, I can hardly see, and I am not really angry... just hurting; that's the best I can describe it. Sometimes it's just 10 minutes and other times it goes on for hours. At the end of it I somehow feel better... but it is an exhausting ordeal :)

I can't control it
BUT God can :)
 

Q & A

People ask me a lot of questions when they find out we have been trying to concieve a child for the past 2 1/2 years. So as a way of answering them on here I've decided to start a Q & A on my blog...

I hope my venting about people's insensitive comments on here has not hindered anyone who is truly concerned from asking us questions. I absolutely realize most people are coming from a good place when they ask/say things about our baby making status. More than anything I need to pray that I have patience and understanding when educating them about all we're going through. So if you have any questions you have held back on out of fear of getting blog bashed, no worries, ask away, lol.

1. Have You and R considered adopting?
• Absolutely. If God calls us to adopt we are absolutely prepared to do so :)
2. If your tests came back "normal" then there probably isn't a problem, right?
• Well, not necessarily... So far our tests have came back normal. However, there are still tests which we have not done, and will not do anytime soon because it would be very invasive on my body. One day we may look into that, but right now we have decided not too.
3. Could taking birth control pills be what is causing your infertility?
• In my case, No. We know my body is producing eggs and we know that my hormone levels have indicated that I have in fact ovulated. Birth control prevents ovulation from happening; so if I were having some "run-off effect" from birth control, I would not ovulate.
4. I know people who have gotten pregnant after years of trying, could that happen to y'all?
• Absolutely! We are well aware that God's timing is definitely not in line with our timing. And yes, miracles DO happen. But not everyone will share their anatomical, reproductive health openly with you. There could have been a change in that person's body within those years that allowed them to become pregnant.
5.   Are you ever angry with God?
• Sadly, some days, my anger will get the best of me. However, I know in my heart of hearts, from studying God's word, that this is not a punishment from God. And I immediately seek forgiveness when I become angry. After all... His plan will prevail
6. Why aren't you more open with your experiences in trying to concieve?
• Truthfully... I am not 100% sure on this answer, lol. Partly because I do not want to be subjected to constant questioning/comments on what we are dealing with. Partly because I do not want to be involved in a "pity party". Partly because it may be too private for just anyone to become involved with. And partly out of FEAR... Fear of being the "talk of town", fear of being judged by others, fear of putting myself out their and getting hurt..
• However, lately I am finding that it is impossible for those people who can become pregnant easily to understand the pain that results from not being able to concieve easily (if at all). Their well-intentioned comments of trying to make it seem "not-so bad" usually cut right to my heart. I am praying for patience when listening to other's careless words. I am praying that God will give me the words to effectively express what I am going through to others, so that they will realize how painful this is.
7. Have you thought about a surrogate?
• As of right now there really isn't a reason to think about it. If we discover something is anatomically/biologically wrong with my uterus we may have to discuss it. But I am not certain if that would be an option that is right for us.
• When we make decisions concerning treatment (or any important decision) I try to ask myself is this self-serving or God-serving? and that usually makes the answer clear :)
8.   Have you lost faith that you will have your own kids one day?
• NO INDEED! My faith in God's sovereignty is what has gotten me through all of this. I feel positive about adoption and about concieving. One does not exclude the other in my mind. I have not "given up" the idea of getting pregnant. I am simply letting God have that worry. I am choosing not to burden myself with something He is in control of and instead delight in what He is giving to me right now --> a heart for parenting. And whether biological or adopted, our kids will be our "own kids" :) That's how I see it, and that is how I am able to be upbeat either way. It has taken a while to get to this point so that is why I am excited about it. Not to say that there aren't days that I long to be pregnant, but ultimately I know God's plan is perfect and all will be as it should be.
• Also, exploring ways to help with the process of conception is in no way a loss of faith on our part. According to Malachi 2:15 God seeks godly offspring, and why should we shut out the gift of ARTs to assist us in pleasing the Lord. Some will say "It is not God's will for you to get pregnant, you should let him have control." And I say to that HE is in control. I can't "let Him" have it. He is the ALMIGHTY GOD. And if I were going against His design for my body's function I could see a point. But not all ARTs are crazy cloning, embryo destructing treatments. God is not inflicting this suffering and pain on me to cause me agony, it is a result from the fall of man and sin. I believe He is teaching us so much through it :)     

Fallen

After a tear-filled morning of emotional chaos I finally started cleaning up our house. As I made my way upstairs to our master bedroom I began to sraighten up my vanity. On my vanity I have a small ceramic vase... It is VERY UNSTABLE and no matter how hard I try not to knock it over it always falls to the floor while I cringe hoping I haven't destroyed it.

I was picking it up (the same way I do EVERYTIME I clean) I said to myself "I have never seen anything fall so much." and BAM. God spoke to me loud and clear :)

I have never seen anything fall so much... Except for myself. Everyday I fall to the ground and everyday I need someone to pick me up. Just as I pick up that little vase and place it back on my vanity, my Lord is there to pick me up time and time again. Except He will never cringe, and I will never be too damaged for him to repair.

What an amazing peace He offers.     

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:22-24

Turning Over a New Leaf!

I just now saw another fb status of "we're expecting (again)" and for half of a second I thought this same thought that I had a week ago "Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me."

BUT I quickly countered on my own thoughts with "Wait a minute, but I'm moving... I'm not in neutral, just on a different road all together." Ahhhhhhhh Good revealation during a time that could have turned to self pity! :)

Loving God's wisdom!

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back. Proverbs 29:11

Amazing advice!

I found an amazing blog with an amazing answer to a thoughtful question...

"As a "fertile woman" how do I deal with my infertile sister (or close friend)?" 

Melissa's Answer:

I don't remember a specific verse or book...in fact, I don't know of a book that helps a family member/close friend walk through the journey of infertility. BUT, what God taught me LOUD and CLEAR is that

 no matter WHAT was said to me or about me or implied to me or about me no matter how angry or cold Rachel may have seemed towards me (at times..not all the time) this was NOT about me

this was about a much deeper battle that, despite seeming like it was aimed at me at times, had nothing to do with me

I was not the enemy
The inability to conceive was the enemy

As a family member/friend who CAN get pregnant, it is REALLY REALLY important to understand this b.c once you understand it, you can handle the above mentioned things you can let them be angry and hurt...even if it's in your direction, b.c you don't need to take it personally

The other thing that really helped me was to realize that I couldn't do anything to make it better.

I couldn't say anything to make it better

All I could do was listen

pray

ask if I could ask questions...and be ok if she said no

It seemed that the more I allowed her to JUST BE when she was with me, the more natural it was

the less on edge she seemed

GRACE is a necessity when walking along side someone going through something so big

As someone who CAN have children easily, we MUST understand that we will NEVER understand what its like to WANT a child so badly....period.

At the same time, the person going through infertility must understand that, if not careful, they can REALLY hurt the people they love. And that the people they love, aren't the enemy. And they really DON'T understand what you are going through...not b.c they don't want to understand, but b.c they CAN'T understand.

it is SUCH a delicate road to walk"

Wow... The woman who wrote got pregnant within a month of trying while her sister struggles with infertility. Amazing words of wisdom

Operation Get Moving!

So because I have fallen into an insane habit of laying around my house doing nothing for the past few weeks. I (with the help of Joyce Meyer's quote) have decided to "move".

How have I/Am I moving today?

• Visited my sister and sick niece :)
• Cleaned our house
• Soon going for a jog with the pup and
•  Made a decision to sacrifice something I enjoy for a bigger purpose. (cant share too many details about this one)

BUT as I was reading Proverbs 8 this morning the focus was on wisdom and being sure to listen to the wisdom that God gives to you. I have been feeling a tug on my heart to do this thing for a while now, however selfishly I have pushed the thought away. But as I read this scripture this morning I quickly realized my mistake.

“ Now therefore, listen to me, my children,

For blessed are those who keep my ways.

³³ Hear instruction and be wise,

And do not disdain it.

³⁴ Blessed is the man who listens to me,

Watching daily at my gates,

Waiting at the posts of my doors.

³⁵ For whoever finds me finds life,

And obtains favor from the LORD; "

Proverbs 8:32-35

'Wisdom offers long term satisfaction and leads to life, while folly, which brings immediate gratification, ultimately leads to death.' In the new testament Jesus is the Wisdom and Word of God.

It's not about me or what I enjoy/want. It's about Christ and God's glory. Things of this world will come and go, but Heaven is forever :)

Time To Move

Not literally, although our home is for sale and it would be great to move soon, lol. But after reading an amazing quote from Joyce Meyer yesterday I had a light bulb moment :)

"You need to be moving if you want God to show you which way to go." -Joyce Meyer

How amazing are those words when put together! Of course I had a moment of "How/what/where should I be moving?" And after a short moment of pondering this, it became clear that the God gives us instructions on how to move as a Christian. For example, focusing my energy on kind gestures to others, sharing the gospel with friends and strangers alike, volunteering (at church or in the community), cooking someone who is sick a meal, etc. There are so many ways to exalt the gifts God has given to me. I am 100% guilty of sitting in my house reading, praying, reading some more, praying some more, and all that is great. However, Jesus came to share the good news with others not to dabble in things this world has to offer. He commands us to share that good news as well. Maybe for some it's a missions trip and for others it may be just a compassionate gesture to a stranger, but the possibilities are endless :)

Have you ever stopped to think why Jesus always references fishers of men, instead of hunters of men??? Think about how fishermen catch their fish; they cast out their nets and see what they get. They do not pick and choose their prizes or stalk a specific animal as a hunter would do. They get what they get. This is how we are called to share the gospel. Throw ourselves out there and see who responds. We should not wait for what we think is the appropriate person to share the good news with, but instead share whenever the oppurtunity arrises and hope that you catch something :)

"And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”"
Matthew 4:19

Today...

Today was better, brighter. I considered deleting my last post... but I decided against it because I hope it will remind me of where I do not want to be in the future :)

The Ugly Truth

Today I am realizing the mistake I have made in planning a large portion my life to revolve around one thing happening... I clearly have too much time on my hands today :(

• 2 years ago we traded in my 2 door car for a more "family-friendly" SUV.
• 2 years ago I decided to change my career aspirations to something that would be more family friendly. therefore discontinuing my college aspirations because my one true passion was to be a mom.
• 3 years ago we bought a large 5 bedroom house because we planned on having a large family.

Somedays I hate all the room that my suv has to offer because it reminds me that I am the only one ever riding in it. Somedays I long to be distracted by a "job" in order to take my mind off of the job that I desperately want. Somedays I am ready to give our house away to avoid walking into the 4 empty rooms; one room perfect for a nursery, another would be a perfect play room.

It is exhausting to be strong in front of everyone. It is exhausting to dwell on the fact that we are not parents. It is exhausting to try to explain your emotions to other people who do not understand. It is exhausting to always be "Aunt L" and never "Mom".

I am tired of crying, yet tired of putting on a brave face for others to see. Tired of staying positive. Tired of insensitive comments. Tired of being compared to such-and-such's friend who took 5 years, or 10 years, or 2 years to get pregnant. Tired of feeling as if I may break down at any second. Just slap worn out over it all... Wish I could hit a switch and turn off my emotions at my convienence.

This is not a typical day for me... But honestly this is what I feel like right this minute... This is the "Ugly Truth" about bad days with infertility.

Praying for some understanding and peace that only God is capable of providing.

I have no idea which step to take next. I have been in the word searching for an answer, praying diligently for a light bulb to go off in my head. Wondering if I have missed something. I don't know which direction God is wanting me to go and why He is keeping His plan for His glory so far away from me (or at least it seems far away)... I don't know what to do. Whether to go left, right, straight, or just stand still. Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me. Just praying, praying, praying for something to give... Wish my path would become a little straighter.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

Envy

Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???

Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol

I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.

Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.


But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  1 Cor 13:4

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6 
   

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

After Your Visit To The Infertility Doctor

So once you've gone to the doctor, then what??? Here are some things I think you should think about after your appointment.

1. Don't hesitate to pick up the phone and call the nurse/doctor to ask them questions. That is what they are there for :) A good clinic will be glad to walk you through any hesitations that you might have without pressuring you.
2. Although it may prove difficult, try to avoid reading about every little infertility test/treatment plan online. So much information available through the internet is inaccurate; your doctor is the best source of information for you.
3. Talk to your Spouse about what the appointment was like for him/her. Discuss any reservations or concerns.
4. Do not act impulsively. In an emotionally charged situation sometimes we do not think before we act. Take your time and think about the next step your doctor has suggested. Does the next step entail any risk or side effects?
5. Discuss your limits on what you are willing to undergo. Not only ethically but financially. Now these limits do not have to be set in stone they may change with time, but you might just make a list such as: iui - yes, ivf - need more research/questions answered, surrogate - no, embryo adoption - no. Once you do more research you may change your opinion on each of these procedures, but it's good to have an idea before starting down this road.

And of course... PRAY and seek to do things that are pleasing to God :)  

And that's my 2 cents for whatever it's worth!

Future Options...

So... I have previously stated that we are putting IF test/treatments on a pause, and I am still sticking by that for now. But in case anyone reading this is wondering what the next step would be in terms of any ARTs (assisted reproductive technology)/treatments. Here it is:

• At first (after initial testing) the doctor believed we would be great cadidates for the iui. Well 2 iui's later and still no pregnancy :)
• Dr. W says he typically doesn't change the course of treatment for patients in our situation until 3 iui's have failed...
• If #3 iui fails, it in no way means that we will never be parents, but...
• If we were to pursue a 3rd iui (which some day we may do) and if it failed we would need to reevaluate our treatment path.
• I'm not sure what his next suggestion would be and I refuse to jump that far ahead of everything...

So for now... that is all we know about that :)

Where's My Window???

Have you ever heard the expression "God doesn't close a door without leaving an open window." Well... I DO believe this is true. God promises that He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11)... But today I can't help but wonder "Where's my window?" LOL

Or better yet... "Which window would you like me to jump through?" I know the Lord has something in mind, but my impatience sometimes gets the best of me :) Although I am excited about all of the "Open windows" God is providing for us, I do wish one window would have a sign beside it saying "Use this window to glorify God!" We are trusting the Holy Spirit to lead us down the right path. I am certain that one direction will appear clear in God's time.

I am so thankful for the many blessings He has given to us :)

"A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree." Proverbs 11:28

Encouraging Article

Stole this from this blog and I love it!!! Can't wait to see which way we will travel... By air or by sea... Both will be rewarding in their own way :)

From a letter written to Dear Abby:
(The author of this letter is the mother of 2 adopted children)

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you, you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait... and wait... and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."
"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

It is amazing to know that not everyone arrives at their destination the same way :)

The "Adoption Seed"

At church we have been going through the miracle of adoption. Not from the world's viewpoint but from a Godly viewpoint.

As Christians we have all been adopted into God's covenant family. It is only by the blood of Christ that we are able to enter into this covenant and cry out "Father". God is the Father over all of us. He loves us regardless of our last name, our families reputation, our past sins, etc. No one Christian comes before the other and that simplicity is what it is all about: BELIEVE, ask for forgiveness, repent, and obey. That's the formula :) And that is why so many people struggle with Christianity because it's hard to understand how it can be so easy... so simple. But because of Jesus Christ dying on the cross it is that easy! That was his message :)

I'm starting to see adoption not as a possible solution, but as a blessing. Just look at the blessing we have been given by our true and holy Father to come into his family. What a blessing it would be to offer that same love to another person.

Now, now do not be alarmed!... Although contrary to my normally impulsive nature, I am not going to run out and contact an adoption agency tomorrow, lol. First off it is not an easy process and secondly it is not a cheap process. I don't know if this new view will help Mr. R and I or not; I may just be able to offer some advice to others who are struggling in a similar situation. We still have some treatment options that we are willing to explore, BUT our limitations on which infertility treatments we are willing to undergo may someday cause us to reevaluate our position on adoption. And I am actually excited about the possibility that we could one day be adoptive parents! I know that if God does lead us in the direction of adoption it in no way will be an easy road, but if it is what He wants for us He will make a way :)

Adoption will in no way take away pain caused by infertility and it should not be pursued as a "second option." So having said that I am now waiting like a spectator; excited to see the plan God has in store for us. To concieve, to adopt, or something else... I truly cannot wait for it to unfold!

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:27

 

Things To Do Before Visiting The Infertility Doctor

I wish I would have had a "to do" list before we made our intial doctors appointment with Dr. W, our RE. So in case someone else is wondering what to do before visiting here is my 2 cents on it :)

1. PRAY! Pray for guidance and wisdom during this journey. This is absolutely the most important part of the process to me.

2. Only you know when to pick up the phone and schedule the appointment. Keep in mind you are not considered "infertile" until you have tried to concieve for a year without success, or until you have tried to concieve for 6 months without success if you are over 35 years of age. Once you have reached one of those points YOU will know when the time is right for YOU.

3. Remember you are not alone in making this decision. Consult your spouse and explore what his or her feelings are about scheduling an appointment. Talk about reservations that you may have about the appointment.

4. Get in touch with your insurance about coverage that they offer for infertility testing. Most insurances offer little to no coverage for infertility testing and treatments, and unfortunately the bills can quickly get overwhelming. If you have a budget, discuss exactly what you will budget before beginning the infertility journey.

5. Decide what you are looking for in an RE. We wanted a fairly conservative RE with the least invasive amount of testing/treatment as possible.

5. If possible obtain references for doctors. If a friend or family member pursued IF tests/treatments ask them about their doctor and if they would use them again.

6. Talk to someone who shares your faith for an extra perspective on your situation. Ask your pastor if they know anyone who has been in a similar situation that you could speak with.

And there are my thoughts on that! :) Of course you can add some things or take some things away, but I believe making sure to do the above things can save you some time and some headaches.

KEEP GOD'S GLORY ON THE FOREFRONT OF YOUR MIND ALL OF THE TIME. When in doubt pray, pray, and pray some more.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Round 2!

IUI #2

Oct. 9-13 Clomid
Oct. 18 U/S and HCG shot
Oct. 20 IUI
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Oct. 16

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like he is saying TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

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Oct 18

U/S showed two nice follicles on left side :)


Oct. 20

Today was the iui day :) In that exam room all I could do was look at my amazing husband, and thank God for the blessing He has given me in Mr. R. He is truly an amazing, selfless man, and I am constantly blown away by how devoted he is to me and our marriage. Thanks shug for all that u have done, are doing, and will do. I am truly blessed to have u :)

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Oct 28

Progesterone levels at 45 :)

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Nov 3 - Negative test...

Nov 4 - And not one tear yet!!! Yes I am shocked at my lack of an emotional breakdown... But it feels so great not to crumble with defeat :) All of the blessings that God has given to me have been becoming so clear lately. Yes yes... I do want to be a mother, but right now I can honestly say I do not want it "more than anything else". I want to enjoy the life God has so graciously given to me. So for now I am eagerly pursuing the path he has laid out for me. For now treatments/tests are officially paused. I am not at all regretful for pursuing treatment and yes we will still consider treatment in our future. I am very thankful that we have started down this road because we have learned so much about ourselves, and I have learned a TON about my body. Life is good, but God is so much BETTER!

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

A Busy Bee

I haven't had much blogging time lately due to a part-time job I recently obtained. And in a way I am thankful that I haven't had too much free time :)

I've always heard that an idle mind is a dangerous mind, and I am now a firm believer in that. I have been so busy with this new job that I have not had anytime at all to think about other things, i.e. Infertility :) I breeze by the baby section without so much as a second thought about it. That's not to say that I have stopped wanting to be a mother. But that "want" is not the driving force in my day lately.

So... What about when this temp job runs it's course in a couple of months, what will keep me busy then? Well this new epiphany has me reeling for what's next. And when this temp job runs out I may just get another part-time job :) And something else I will change is my daily alone time with God.

I strive to have that daily quiet time with the Lord, however somedays it gets away from me. But recently when I go to that quiet place with the lord I focus on growing our family. The lord knows my desires an I will continue to ask him to be with the concerns in my heart. However, I will change that quiet time's focus away from barren women of the bible and biblical motherhood to what God decides to reveal to me that day. After all, it is his glory that comes first.

So my goal is to keep busy in Christ; in his word, in his glory.

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy," Colossians 1:11

What not to say to an infertile person

Well I heard it again yesterday... Another invasive set of questions, another set of ridiculous suggestions.

It really feels uneasy to me when I say "Who knows we may just not be parents or not be able to have our own kids." And I hear "I don't think you guys are at that point yet." REALLY... U "dont think" we are there yet, and you would know how??? Are you secretly a Reproductive Specialists and I never knew about it... Do you know more about my/our fertility than I do??? I don't think so.

The fact is Mr. R and I have decided to keep some things to ourselves, so to say u "don't think" we are at that point is a bit ridiculous bc how could you have all the facts! And what if we are at that point... What if we adopt...What is "that point" that you speak of exactly??? despair, hopelessness, doom???

Of course I am hopeful that we will concieve our own child. Believe me... That is what I am hoping for. But if this experience has taught me anything it is that nothing is certain or guaranteed! The only certainty we can find is in Christ. Not what "we think" should happen.

I know I am just venting, but comments like this make me wanna forget about opening up about infertility to anyone.

Other comments not to say to an infertile:
U can borrow my kids anytime
Be thankful u haven't had any yet (from someone who's kids misbehave)
How's his sperm count/your eggs (just a bit personal)
It'll happen when it's supposed to happen (this one is true, but I hear it so often I wanna pull my hair out)
You're thinking about it too much (some how my wrong thoughts are causing this. Really?)
Well I would adopt if I was to have problems concieving (adoption won't heal the loss of never being able carry or give birth. While adoption is a blessing I would never want it to be our "last resort". It should be our path God led us down)
Maybe you should just stop trying and it will happen.

Almost everyone who battles infertility is much more educated than the average public about infertility. Chances are they've heard your advice a hundred times already. Just think before you speak is all :)

Just My Thoughts...

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans -  to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like the answer is TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

In a nut shell

I've decided rather than several tiny posts documenting my journey with the RE, I will group them into one big post :)

September 8th: Today we went to see Dr. W for an ultrasound, and talk about some meds. The u/s was normal; no abnormalities, cysts, etc. Thank the Lord! And we have decided to try Clomid with an IUI...

Clomid will help me ovulate and cause my ovaries to produce more eggs; increasing potential targets for Mr. R's sperm... Clomid is said to increase your chances for twins by 6%-10%, and for triplets or more by 1%. However, we will be doing another u/s before insemination to see how many follicles have formed to make sure the Clomid hasn't had any crazy effects on me.
Side effects of Clomid can basically magnify any PMS symptoms you usually have... Moodiness, bloating, breast tenderness, hot flashes, etc. There are no increased risked for the egg as far as abnormalities or defects :)

The IUI, intrauterine insemination, is basically, "Making a baby without the fun part" as Dr. E so eloquently says, lol. They will take my hubby's sperm and place them directly into my uterus in hopes to increase the number of sperm that will reach my fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg.You can find more information about IUIs by clicking here.
This does not guarantee that we will get pregnant, it just makes the timing right and circumstances optimal. The sperm still has to seek out the egg from the uterus and make it to the egg on it's own. And my body must do all of it's work correctly as well. The IUI just gives us an advantage. 

So this is what my calender is looking like...

Day 5-9 (of my cycle) take Clomid
Day 14 u/s to examine follicle growth and hCG injection (pending all is ok with u/s)
Day 16 IUI (sept. 22)

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst... Prayer, prayer, prayer... Feeling good about it all though :)

It is, and always will be, in God's hands. And we are both very thankful for that!


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Sept 14

Well Day 4 of Clomid... 1 more to go. And Im feeling good. So far there have been no crazy side effects or nausea...

I am 100% content and happy with the decision we made to proceed with an IUI. We have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.

We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)

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Sept 19
So... It's Monday. In 1 day I will go get my HcG shot to induce ovulation. Yesterday Mr. R said "Only 2 more days."  And I had no idea what he was talking about. A year ago I would've had a countdown on the bathroom mirror, lol. God has given me so much peace and freedom from worry compared to where I was last year. I am so thankful for his provision :)

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Sept 20

So... This a.m. Mr. R and I went down to Dr. W's for the HcG shot (to induce ovulation). They did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries were developing properly and found that I have two "great-looking" follicles on my Right side :) and now we have a 6% chance of twins :-D My estrogen levels needed to be at least 300 (150 for ea follicle) and they were over 800 so that's great too!

I felt the urge to let out a big "WOOHOO!" However my practical side sometimes gets in the way of that, lol. I think it is a self-protection mechanism... I dont want to celebrate to much for fear of being let down. BUT, I need to let that fear go. God is great and he is the overseer of life and abudance; he is capable of any and all things. I should not doubt his power and provision in my life. So "Yiippee! two follicles is great. Thank you God!"

In two days we will go back to Dr. W for the IUI. We talked more about the ethical side of IUIs on the way home. More of the "Is this decision pleasing to God?" talk. And we discussed the man in the flood story.

"There once was a man trapped on his house in a flood. Soon the waters over took him and he began to wade and prayed for God to intervene and rescue him. A rescue helicopter flew by and tried to save him, but he refused them and said 'My God is coming to save me.' A little while later a rescue boat came by and he responded the same way. The man eventually drowned. When he got to Heaven he asked God 'Father, I cried out to you for help. Why didn't you save me?' God responded with 'Who do you think sent the helicopter and boat!'"

This is not to say that all treatments of infertility are right within God's eyes. But the research we have done has revealed to us that God intended for his covenant family to grow. Sin of this world has made conception more difficult for some. While we would never be ok doing certain infertility treatments, we would accept some help to become pregnant. We would supplement our bodies with vitamins if they were lacking, we would remove a tumor even if it were benign, we would do an IUI if it bettered our chances of fulfulling our "God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers". We have prayed and prayed for help, and this IUI may just be that "helicopter or boat" from the other story :)

BUT, if it is not. May Glory be to God all the same :) We are aware there is no way of knowing exactly what His plan is. And although I am praying that His plan is for us to conceive a child, His plan may not be for us to concieve right now. And that is ok because He has promised us that He does indeed have a plan for us :)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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Sept. 22

Today was the day! IUI day that is :) I feel great, some minor cramping. Going to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Praying that we are able to concieve a child if it is God's will. God is faithful and will see us through.

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Sept. 26

So It's been 5 days since our IUI and for the first 4 days I experienced cramping; which has subdued today. Trying to take it easy... No jogging, jumpjacks, etc. LOL. Not sure if "taking it easy" matters or not. I'm trying not to dwell on the matter too much. Trying to remember that I should dwell on things that are Christ centered and remembering that He has taken on the burden of my worry. Go back in 2 days too measure progesterone levels to make sure I ovulated. So that is all for today :) Praying

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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Oct. 1

So 2 days ago I went to have my Progesterone levels checked. They needed to be over 6 to indicate that I had ovulated this cycle... and they were at 36 :-D Yay!

So now... We wait... and wait... and wait... We have become experts at waiting over the past 2 years so this should be no sweat, Right? I would love to look into a crystal ball and know the yes or no to our question. BUT God does not work that way. We are definitely learning patience and that He is in control; so crystal ball or no crystal ball... it is in God's hands and for that reason I am truly not content :-)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


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Oct. 6

Well Aunt Flow showed up last night... I know it will be ok, I know God has a plan beyond my comprehension... I know. But that doesn't take away the pain I am feeling right know. Sad... yep. Tears... yep. Just Heartache right now...

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Oct. 9

Feeling better :) Today I tried to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen in this situation. And that would be that Mr. R and I never become parents. Thinking about that and knowing that it would not be the end of our world is comforting. We do not need to be parents for our lives to be complete. Our lives are complete in Christ and with each other :)

Of course I still want to be a mom someday, I'm not sure if that desire will ever change; But my world will not fall apart if it doesn't happen.

My Prayer Today...

My Prayer Today (inspired from a psalm of David, Pslam 22):

"My God... Where are you?
I feel as if you have disappeared from my heart;
abandoned me.
Have you not heard my cries?
I am searching but peace is no where to be found here.

You are the almighty God of David, Abraham, and Isaac
Abba to the Son of Man.
You are Holy; so different from your creation.
You have delivered your people out of turmoil and wrath.
Within your power all things were created.
But have you forgotten me?

I feel so small right now; so insignificant
Please come back to me... Please return to my heart
I am helpless and I know you are the only one who can releive my anguish.
Please deliver me from this sorrow

Amen"



Psalm 22:1-11,19-21 NIV
¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.^[b]
 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.^[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
 ⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.”
 ⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
 ¹¹ Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help.
...
¹⁹ But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

I Could Use a Balloon :(

Sometimes God gives us answers as clear as a bell, but other times we just can't hear him. However, scripture teaches us to wait patiently. God has already given us so many answers how could I want the answer to something else. But it would be nice if I could know "When?". Not how or by what means, but when will we be parents. Deep down I know it is in God's best interest that all things are so uncertain. It is the uncertainty of this world that causes us to cling to Him. But some days I am wishing for that, message in a bottle or note in a balloon that says "You and Mr. R will be parents on _______."

However... The answer is here already. I feel like my Father in Heaven is saying "Seek me for your peace, seek me for your comfort, seek me for your family. Put me first before all others." So I am trying my best to push that "When?" question away and to cling to God's plan instead

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21 

He has laid out a path for us to follow... And it begins and ends with Him :)

Things I'm Looking Forward to

In the spirit of "trying to stay positive", I've decided to jot down all the things I am looking forward too in my future :) Focusing on those things sometimes reminds me of all the ways that God can work miracles...

1. Being a MOTHER
2. Moving/Selling our house
3. A Successful Baseball Season in 2012
4. Vacation with my husband (not sure when or where... but we are due for one)
5. Christmas :) (my favorite time of the year)
6. Taking some photography courses (I love photography and I am dying to know more!)
7. The farmer's market I recently signed up for
8. Helping someone through a trial in their life
9. Going on a Missions trip (someday)
10. Finishing my study on Revelation

I am blessed in so many ways :)

I read these words on a fellow bloggers blog and thought it summed up my reaction to other's reaction to my infertility perfectly.

 

"I wish everyone else around me could be as okay with my barrenness as I am. I'm not a soul waiting to be saved or a belly waiting for its seed. I'm a mom of another breed - and I'm okay with that!"

 

I think people ask me "when are y'all gonna have some kids?" on a weekly basis. This question used to elicit a very emotional response. But I am getting used to answering it. I think it just comes with the territory of being in your mid 20s and being married for a few years. However it's not them asking that will get my feathers ruffled, it's their reaction to my "Problems conceiveing" (as some dare to refer to my infertility) that can sometimes be frustrating. Sometimes I just wanna say "It's okay! We just may not be able to conceive a child." (Sigh) I pray that I will be patient when answering questions from the curious. Some people are just ignorant of our situation and sometimes in the moment they feel like they should say something and it just isn't always the right thing to say.

 

Here is a link to her blog if you'd like to visit it :) I enjoy reading it

 

http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/

 

Dreams of Parenting :)

This title is to be taken literally, lol. Last night I had the craziest, most real-feeling dream about Mr. R and I becoming parents... We adopted a boy and his name was Brae... And that is how it was spelled. I can remember all the tiny details, name spelling, hair color, eye color, etc; it is a bit eerie.

We haven't discussed adoption in detail because we feel God is leading us down another path as of now, but... it was refreshing to dream about us as parents :) Gave me a nice picture of what we are hoping our future will be.

Here is a verse I stumbled across this week and I LOVE it...

We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

So here is another "infertility blogger" That I just LOVE! She seems so full of wisdom and so kind and I have never even met her! lol. Her struggles are inspiring and her attitude through it all is astounding :) Hope you enjoy following her...

http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/

Enjoyed this from Nancy Leigh DeMoss...

“God is the Creator, Author, and Giver of life. Not surprisingly, as the sworn enemy of God, Satan hates life. He has always sought to destroy it. He persuaded Adam and Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit, knowing that if they did, they would die, as God had promised. When Adam and Eve gave birth to two sons, Satan incited the elder of the two to murder his younger brother. Satan is the thief Jesus spoke of who ‘comes only to steal and kill and destroy’ (John 10:10, italics added). His intent and strategy are precisely the opposite of God’s plan, for in the same verse Jesus says, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ As a destroyer of life, Satan is definitely not into encouraging childbearing. Every child that is born has the potential to thwart his purposes by receiving God’s grace and becoming a subject of the kingdom of God. So anything that hinders or discourages women from fulfilling their God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers of life furthers Satan’s efforts.”

Satan will jump on any chance to prevent God's covenant family from growing. But God is stronger than Satan, and if we seek him with all of our heart His promises are abundant :)

Easy to Please

Spent last night riding around back roads with my husband... I realize that may sound weird, however it is something we have done since we first started dating and I think it is crazy romantic... it was a blast!

I woke up today thinking I hope I am always that easy to please. Don't get me wrong I do occasionally want the dinner reservation with a black dress scene; however, riding around our small town without a care in the world makes it to the top of my list.

"What's the point???" you may be wondering... Well, the point is don't become so consumed with your want for a child that you forget about your husband. Always try to make time for your spouse while you're ttc. Don't forget to have sex just for the fun of it, lol. While women feel the loss of not having yet concieved a child, men often feel the loss of a happy and functioning partner. Ahhhhhhh... Love is great :)

Some Clarity :)

Mr. R and I have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility (or ttc problems) to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.

We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)

How has this trial changed me?

It is amazing how infertility has had a positive affect on my life. As I share with other people it is hard to express my mixed emotions about our experiences. However, if it were not for this experience I would still be in the dark on so many truths I have recently learned.

It is so easy to spout out "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." But do we really mean that every time? I know now that I did not mean that at all times. If the Lord's will was to take my husband from me would I really mean "Thy will be done." Or if he willed us into financial hardships, would I truly mean "Thy will be done." Now I know what that prayer means on an entirely new level. It means surrendering myself to God; submitting to Him alone. It means dying to myself everyday in order to live out the life He has called me to live.

The truth is if I had not had this trial in my life I may have never known what it means to trust in Christ. I pray daily that God will enrich my relationship with Him; bring me closer to Him. Although this storm may have not been what I would have picked to fufill that prayer, God knew that this would bring me into a closer relationship with him. In a way, my infertility struggle has been an answer to my prayers.

Count it all joy, my brothers,^[a] when you meet trials^(B) of various kinds, ³for you know that^(C) the testing of your faith^(D) produces steadfastness. ⁴And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be^(E) perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
 ^5(F) If any of you lacks wisdom,^(G) let him ask God,^(H) who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶But^(I) let him ask in faith,^(J) with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like^(K) a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ^8(L) he is a double-minded man,^(M) unstable in all his ways.
James 1:2-8