How does it feel ?

I have had people try to compare our struggle with trying to become pregnant with their "bad days" or "wanting a day off" or "a day with their misbahaving children" or "wishing they could go back to when they were childless" I KNOW ALMOST ALL OF THESE REMARKS ARE WELL INTENTIONED. That is why I try to let them roll off my back. Because it is impossible for them to truly feel my hurt unless they have experienced it. (Also if you are reading this and have said one of the above. No hard feelings at all! you are not the enemy and I know that)

However, unless any of the above thought-to-be comparable situations send you into a sobbing panic attack where you find it hard to breathe and you cannot even think of speaking because words simply cannot be formed b/t your sobs, your eyes nearly swell shut from crying so hard, and this happens over and over and over again... It just doesn't come close to comparing. I promise that I am not a being overly dramatic and throwing a fit because I can't have something I want and it makes me upset; instead it is a real physical and emotional pain that I have never felt before this in my life! I do not enjoy crying so hard I can't see or having a hard time breathing, it is just HOW I FEEL on somedays.

I AM ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY... But I have a hard time explaining "how I feel about what we are experiencing" to anyone. Since I was very young I have had this thought that I am supposed to be strong and never appear weak (or cry so hard I can't breathe around others). And BOY O BOY how that line of thinking has been turned upside down with this ordeal, lol.  I know God is using this time to help me realize I need Him and I do not have to be strong because He is strong for me... I know He wants me to break down in sobs and cry out for help. And I am realizing more and more each day that is what I need to do. And I often do...

BUT when I am discussing our troubles with others it is hard for me to do this... I don't know why, but I just feel the urge to "put on that brave face" and hold back the tears. I literally have had to leave social/family gatherings because I know I am about to breakdown. A friend of mine going through a very similar situation once said "It is like trying to keep that knot in your throat in one spot..." so it does not burst into an uncontrolable breakdown. and I knew exactly what knot she was referring too because I have that same knot everytime I discuss our babymaking obstacles with someone. And then I think "what if?"

What if I stopped trying to control that knot? Would that help others understand what I am feeling? Would it help me to let it out to other people?

I am not sure what the answer to that is. I know that when I "let go" when I am alone with God or with my husband once the tears have passed, sometimes that takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes 4 hours (literally), I feel an amazing peace and comfort come over me.

So... How do I feel when that intense pain comes over me?.. It is all I can do to not fall to the ground (literally), I have a hard time speaking to or seeing people (even if it is a phone call), I literally cannot form words, I literally have to remind myself to breathe, my chest aches, I can hardly see, and I am not really angry... just hurting; that's the best I can describe it. Sometimes it's just 10 minutes and other times it goes on for hours. At the end of it I somehow feel better... but it is an exhausting ordeal :)

I can't control it
BUT God can :)