The Beginning of The Story

Once we made the decision to begin trying to conceive a child we were both ecstatic. No apprehension, no hesitations; we just knew that we were ready for a baby. We were rearing to go. A few months went by with no positive pregnancy tests; I thought to myself "No bother. It can take more than a few months." Then we started with the opks (ovulation predictor kits), opks allow you to know almost exactly when you are ovulating. A few more months went by and still no positive. Yet, we were not discouraged; anxious for the result we desired, but not discouraged. I believe it was around 9 months of trying that I began thinking "Something may be wrong." I had always heard that after 1 year of trying to conceive you should consult a fertility doctor. I began with the "what ifs"; What if we could not conceive a child naturally, how far would we take it? What if we need to adopt? What if, what if, what if... After reaching that 1 year mark, I was frantic. The tears began monthly upon realizing that I was not pregnant. They poured down every time I heard of friend or family member was expecting. I would avoid the baby section when I shopped. A new and unexpected storm crept into my life, and I wanted to run to the corner and hide.

Looking back now, I believe the problem began in the very beginning with "WE just knew that WE were ready for a baby". We were still under the impression that we somehow got to flip a light switch and decide where our life was headed. After the tears, breakdowns, and emotional episodes I suddenly realized that I did not turn to God through any of this; Other than "God please bless us with a child" I had not considered HIS will, HIS timing, HIS plan. I thought "I want a baby now, so I'm going to have one." After the foul truth of my selfish motives had been revealed to me, I crumbled and sought forgiveness; forgiveness for my selfish motives, forgiveness for my wanting to take things into my own hands, forgiveness for idolizing my want for a child. I was truly humbled after this revelation, and I was thankful to have realized it before letting my storm consume me. Although I still have "difficult days", days of envy and jealous thoughts, days of self-pity, days of anger, I can rest easy knowing that my God has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever compile. I know my Father uses all things in my life for my spiritual good and his glory alone. I need not worry or allow myself to be overcome with anxious thoughts "And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:30-31