It's Not For Everybody

Well as you could imagine, like anyone who is having trouble concieving a child, adopting has ran through my mind a time or two. I am still not sure if adoption is in the plans for us; although, in the beginning the thought of adoption frightened me a bit.

The more I have learned about the love of God and showing others that same love the more those fears have faded. I used to hear other mothers say "you could never love anyone elses child like you love your own(biological), Nothing compares to having your own(biological) child." Those comments scared me at first.


After hearing those comments... You may be wondering why I would even be considering adopting. Well, contrary to what you may be thinking, it is not because we may have trouble having our own biological children. Yes, that did plant the thought and questions in my mind; however, I have come to grips with the reality that I may have no children at all. I know what a blessing my husband is, and how much we love each other and I can be joyful and content for the rest of my life with him. Instead, I think opening your home and heart to a child in need of a loving home and loving parents is truly an amazing example of God's love.

I also think that not everyone is meant to adopt. I think some of those comments about being unable to love someone elses child as your own are just specific to those individuals. They are just opinions from their own experiences. I believe some are more capable of adopting than others. The reality is IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE. So not everyone will understand.

I am still very unclear as to if I am one of those people that have that heart for adopting. But I do know that I have a deep desire to parent. God has given me this desire. Although I am not sure the plan God has for me, I trust that our family will grow for his glory.

"You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more."

Psalms 10:14,17-18

Light Bulb!

Last night before falling asleep, I began to pray to the Lord; in the midst of my prayer I found myself almost negotiating with God to give me a child. I was explaining that "if only" he would bless me with a child I would give this child back to him. Thankfully, I caught myself before elaborating on my negotiations too much. I told myself "No, when the time is right God will give you a child." I then Prayed that the Lord help me to be patient, and forgive me for doubting in his plan for me. I prayed "Lord, please bless me with a child when the time is right for you, and it is your will. Help me to put my faith in you and to depend on you, rather than attempting to control things myself. Help me to realize that apart from you I am helpless. Peace is found only with you through your son Jesus Christ; all of your other blessings are but a brief interlude on the journey to you. If I am to concieve a child it will be for your glory alone, not for my own. Thank you Father for your comfort, provision, and guidance. I pray all these things in your son's name. Amen."

I will still continue to pray that our family will grow. However, I will pray these things for God's glory not my own satisfaction. Glory be to the almighty God. His love is immeasurable.

I Need Thee

I need Thee every hour,

Most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine,
Can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee,
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
Stay Thou near by;
Temptations lose their power,
When Thou art nigh.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
In joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.



I can only find peace in him alone. Not in my husband being within arm's reach, not in a precious newborn baby, Just in Christ alone.

How it all started

Once we made the decision to begin trying to conceive a child we were both ecstatic. No apprehension, no hesitations; we just knew that we were ready for a baby. We were rearing to go. A few months went by with no positive pregnancy tests; I thought to myself "No bother. It can take more than a few months." Then we started with the opks (ovulation predictor kits), opks allow you to know almost exactly when you are ovulating. A few more months went by and still no positive. Yet, we were not discouraged; anxious for the result we desired, but not discouraged. I believe it was around 9 months of trying that I began thinking "Something may be wrong." I had always heard that after 1 year of trying to conceive you should consult a fertility doctor. I began with the "what ifs"; What if we could not conceive a child naturally, how far would we take it? What if we need to adopt? What if, what if, what if... After reaching that 1 year mark, I was frantic. The tears began monthly upon realizing that I was not pregnant. They poured down every time I heard of friend or family member was expecting. I would avoid the baby section when I shopped. A new and unexpected storm crept into my life, and I wanted to run to the corner and hide.

Looking back now, I believe the problem began in the very beginning with "WE just knew that WE were ready for a baby". We were still under the impression that we somehow got to flip a light switch and decide where our life was headed. After the tears, breakdowns, and emotional episodes I suddenly realized that I did not turn to God through any of this; Other than "God please bless us with a child" I had not considered HIS will, HIS timing, HIS plan. I thought "I want a baby now, so I'm going to have one." After the foul truth of my selfish motives had been revealed to me, I crumbled and sought forgiveness; forgiveness for my selfish motives, forgiveness for my wanting to take things into my own hands, forgiveness for idolizing my want for a child. I was truly humbled after this revelation, and I was thankful to have realized it before letting my storm consume me. Although I still have "difficult days", days of envy and jealous thoughts, days of self-pity, days of anger, I can rest easy knowing that my God has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever compile. I know my Father uses all things in my life for my spiritual good and his glory alone. I need not worry or allow myself to be overcome with anxious thoughts "And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:30-31

Here it goes...

I feel the best way to kick this shindig off is to share my testimony. I have been a Christian now for almost 3 years. Although before then I always thought... "Sure, I'm a Christian, I suppose. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe what scripture says. (although I did not practice it)" But it wasn't until a few years ago that God saved me and changed my heart.

Once Mr. R (my husband) and I were married I was very concerned about the success of our marriage. Now let me just say our relationship was superb, we fit together like a hand in a glove; I know now that the anxiety I was feeling was a result of my parent's failed marriage. Being brought up in a broken home made me strive to have a successful marriage and to do all I could to make sure we perservered through any storm that could be headed our way. At this time I was part of a women's bible study, and we were studying the seven virtues of a godly wife and mother. I learned so many valuable lessons from this experience. God's design for marriage was revealed to me and I began to strive to be a woman and a wife that would glorify him. I began to learn the beauty of submission and put it into practice to the best of my ability. I saw my marriage transform from good to amazing.

In learning to submit to my husband I learned to submit to My father. I learned what it was to glorify the lord and to turn to him before all others. I cannot explain it very well... I was just SAVED by the grace of God alone. I did nothing to make it happen, he just changed me, adopted me, softened me, and I cannot begin to express the love I felt from this.

Since then, I have repeatedly seen God's hand in my life. Through many trial's I have seen the Lord's provision. He has demonstrated his faithfulness to me time and time again. I know now that apart from God I am helpless. And although I have good days and bad days through this trial of trying to concieve a child, I know that my God is a faithful one and he knows my needs and hearts desires before I even tell him. The lord is great and is working in my life for my spiritual good and his glory. I am so thankful for his steadfast love.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11