Well I heard it again yesterday... Another invasive set of questions, another set of ridiculous suggestions.
It really feels uneasy to me when I say "Who knows we may just not be parents or not be able to have our own kids." And I hear "I don't think you guys are at that point yet." REALLY... U "dont think" we are there yet, and you would know how??? Are you secretly a Reproductive Specialists and I never knew about it... Do you know more about my/our fertility than I do??? I don't think so.
The fact is Mr. R and I have decided to keep some things to ourselves, so to say u "don't think" we are at that point is a bit ridiculous bc how could you have all the facts! And what if we are at that point... What if we adopt...What is "that point" that you speak of exactly??? despair, hopelessness, doom???
Of course I am hopeful that we will concieve our own child. Believe me... That is what I am hoping for. But if this experience has taught me anything it is that nothing is certain or guaranteed! The only certainty we can find is in Christ. Not what "we think" should happen.
I know I am just venting, but comments like this make me wanna forget about opening up about infertility to anyone.
Other comments not to say to an infertile:
U can borrow my kids anytime
Be thankful u haven't had any yet (from someone who's kids misbehave)
How's his sperm count/your eggs (just a bit personal)
It'll happen when it's supposed to happen (this one is true, but I hear it so often I wanna pull my hair out)
You're thinking about it too much (some how my wrong thoughts are causing this. Really?)
Well I would adopt if I was to have problems concieving (adoption won't heal the loss of never being able carry or give birth. While adoption is a blessing I would never want it to be our "last resort". It should be our path God led us down)
Maybe you should just stop trying and it will happen.
Almost everyone who battles infertility is much more educated than the average public about infertility. Chances are they've heard your advice a hundred times already. Just think before you speak is all :)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Just My Thoughts...
"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."
I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like the answer is TRUST.
“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7
Sunday, October 9, 2011
In a nut shell
I've decided rather than several tiny posts documenting my journey with the RE, I will group them into one big post :)
September 8th: Today we went to see Dr. W for an ultrasound, and talk about some meds. The u/s was normal; no abnormalities, cysts, etc. Thank the Lord! And we have decided to try Clomid with an IUI...
Clomid will help me ovulate and cause my ovaries to produce more eggs; increasing potential targets for Mr. R's sperm... Clomid is said to increase your chances for twins by 6%-10%, and for triplets or more by 1%. However, we will be doing another u/s before insemination to see how many follicles have formed to make sure the Clomid hasn't had any crazy effects on me.
Side effects of Clomid can basically magnify any PMS symptoms you usually have... Moodiness, bloating, breast tenderness, hot flashes, etc. There are no increased risked for the egg as far as abnormalities or defects :)
The IUI, intrauterine insemination, is basically, "Making a baby without the fun part" as Dr. E so eloquently says, lol. They will take my hubby's sperm and place them directly into my uterus in hopes to increase the number of sperm that will reach my fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg.You can find more information about IUIs by clicking here.
This does not guarantee that we will get pregnant, it just makes the timing right and circumstances optimal. The sperm still has to seek out the egg from the uterus and make it to the egg on it's own. And my body must do all of it's work correctly as well. The IUI just gives us an advantage.
So this is what my calender is looking like...
Day 5-9 (of my cycle) take Clomid
Day 14 u/s to examine follicle growth and hCG injection (pending all is ok with u/s)
Day 16 IUI (sept. 22)
Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst... Prayer, prayer, prayer... Feeling good about it all though :)
It is, and always will be, in God's hands. And we are both very thankful for that!
_______________________________________________________________
Sept 14
Well Day 4 of Clomid... 1 more to go. And Im feeling good. So far there have been no crazy side effects or nausea...
I am 100% content and happy with the decision we made to proceed with an IUI. We have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.
We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)
______________________________________________________________
Sept 19
So... It's Monday. In 1 day I will go get my HcG shot to induce ovulation. Yesterday Mr. R said "Only 2 more days." And I had no idea what he was talking about. A year ago I would've had a countdown on the bathroom mirror, lol. God has given me so much peace and freedom from worry compared to where I was last year. I am so thankful for his provision :)
______________________________________________________________
Sept 20
So... This a.m. Mr. R and I went down to Dr. W's for the HcG shot (to induce ovulation). They did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries were developing properly and found that I have two "great-looking" follicles on my Right side :) and now we have a 6% chance of twins :-D My estrogen levels needed to be at least 300 (150 for ea follicle) and they were over 800 so that's great too!
I felt the urge to let out a big "WOOHOO!" However my practical side sometimes gets in the way of that, lol. I think it is a self-protection mechanism... I dont want to celebrate to much for fear of being let down. BUT, I need to let that fear go. God is great and he is the overseer of life and abudance; he is capable of any and all things. I should not doubt his power and provision in my life. So "Yiippee! two follicles is great. Thank you God!"
In two days we will go back to Dr. W for the IUI. We talked more about the ethical side of IUIs on the way home. More of the "Is this decision pleasing to God?" talk. And we discussed the man in the flood story.
"There once was a man trapped on his house in a flood. Soon the waters over took him and he began to wade and prayed for God to intervene and rescue him. A rescue helicopter flew by and tried to save him, but he refused them and said 'My God is coming to save me.' A little while later a rescue boat came by and he responded the same way. The man eventually drowned. When he got to Heaven he asked God 'Father, I cried out to you for help. Why didn't you save me?' God responded with 'Who do you think sent the helicopter and boat!'"
This is not to say that all treatments of infertility are right within God's eyes. But the research we have done has revealed to us that God intended for his covenant family to grow. Sin of this world has made conception more difficult for some. While we would never be ok doing certain infertility treatments, we would accept some help to become pregnant. We would supplement our bodies with vitamins if they were lacking, we would remove a tumor even if it were benign, we would do an IUI if it bettered our chances of fulfulling our "God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers". We have prayed and prayed for help, and this IUI may just be that "helicopter or boat" from the other story :)
BUT, if it is not. May Glory be to God all the same :) We are aware there is no way of knowing exactly what His plan is. And although I am praying that His plan is for us to conceive a child, His plan may not be for us to concieve right now. And that is ok because He has promised us that He does indeed have a plan for us :)
_____________________________________________________________
Sept. 22
Today was the day! IUI day that is :) I feel great, some minor cramping. Going to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Praying that we are able to concieve a child if it is God's will. God is faithful and will see us through.
_____________________________________________________________
Sept. 26
So It's been 5 days since our IUI and for the first 4 days I experienced cramping; which has subdued today. Trying to take it easy... No jogging, jumpjacks, etc. LOL. Not sure if "taking it easy" matters or not. I'm trying not to dwell on the matter too much. Trying to remember that I should dwell on things that are Christ centered and remembering that He has taken on the burden of my worry. Go back in 2 days too measure progesterone levels to make sure I ovulated. So that is all for today :) Praying
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
_____________________________________________________________
Oct. 1
So 2 days ago I went to have my Progesterone levels checked. They needed to be over 6 to indicate that I had ovulated this cycle... and they were at 36 :-D Yay!
So now... We wait... and wait... and wait... We have become experts at waiting over the past 2 years so this should be no sweat, Right? I would love to look into a crystal ball and know the yes or no to our question. BUT God does not work that way. We are definitely learning patience and that He is in control; so crystal ball or no crystal ball... it is in God's hands and for that reason I am truly not content :-)
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
____________________________________________________________
Oct. 6
Well Aunt Flow showed up last night... I know it will be ok, I know God has a plan beyond my comprehension... I know. But that doesn't take away the pain I am feeling right know. Sad... yep. Tears... yep. Just Heartache right now...
_____________________________________________________________
Oct. 9
Feeling better :) Today I tried to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen in this situation. And that would be that Mr. R and I never become parents. Thinking about that and knowing that it would not be the end of our world is comforting. We do not need to be parents for our lives to be complete. Our lives are complete in Christ and with each other :)
Of course I still want to be a mom someday, I'm not sure if that desire will ever change; But my world will not fall apart if it doesn't happen.
September 8th: Today we went to see Dr. W for an ultrasound, and talk about some meds. The u/s was normal; no abnormalities, cysts, etc. Thank the Lord! And we have decided to try Clomid with an IUI...
Clomid will help me ovulate and cause my ovaries to produce more eggs; increasing potential targets for Mr. R's sperm... Clomid is said to increase your chances for twins by 6%-10%, and for triplets or more by 1%. However, we will be doing another u/s before insemination to see how many follicles have formed to make sure the Clomid hasn't had any crazy effects on me.
Side effects of Clomid can basically magnify any PMS symptoms you usually have... Moodiness, bloating, breast tenderness, hot flashes, etc. There are no increased risked for the egg as far as abnormalities or defects :)
The IUI, intrauterine insemination, is basically, "Making a baby without the fun part" as Dr. E so eloquently says, lol. They will take my hubby's sperm and place them directly into my uterus in hopes to increase the number of sperm that will reach my fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg.You can find more information about IUIs by clicking here.
This does not guarantee that we will get pregnant, it just makes the timing right and circumstances optimal. The sperm still has to seek out the egg from the uterus and make it to the egg on it's own. And my body must do all of it's work correctly as well. The IUI just gives us an advantage.
So this is what my calender is looking like...
Day 5-9 (of my cycle) take Clomid
Day 14 u/s to examine follicle growth and hCG injection (pending all is ok with u/s)
Day 16 IUI (sept. 22)
Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst... Prayer, prayer, prayer... Feeling good about it all though :)
It is, and always will be, in God's hands. And we are both very thankful for that!
_______________________________________________________________
Sept 14
Well Day 4 of Clomid... 1 more to go. And Im feeling good. So far there have been no crazy side effects or nausea...
I am 100% content and happy with the decision we made to proceed with an IUI. We have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.
We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)
______________________________________________________________
Sept 19
So... It's Monday. In 1 day I will go get my HcG shot to induce ovulation. Yesterday Mr. R said "Only 2 more days." And I had no idea what he was talking about. A year ago I would've had a countdown on the bathroom mirror, lol. God has given me so much peace and freedom from worry compared to where I was last year. I am so thankful for his provision :)
______________________________________________________________
Sept 20
So... This a.m. Mr. R and I went down to Dr. W's for the HcG shot (to induce ovulation). They did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries were developing properly and found that I have two "great-looking" follicles on my Right side :) and now we have a 6% chance of twins :-D My estrogen levels needed to be at least 300 (150 for ea follicle) and they were over 800 so that's great too!
I felt the urge to let out a big "WOOHOO!" However my practical side sometimes gets in the way of that, lol. I think it is a self-protection mechanism... I dont want to celebrate to much for fear of being let down. BUT, I need to let that fear go. God is great and he is the overseer of life and abudance; he is capable of any and all things. I should not doubt his power and provision in my life. So "Yiippee! two follicles is great. Thank you God!"
In two days we will go back to Dr. W for the IUI. We talked more about the ethical side of IUIs on the way home. More of the "Is this decision pleasing to God?" talk. And we discussed the man in the flood story.
"There once was a man trapped on his house in a flood. Soon the waters over took him and he began to wade and prayed for God to intervene and rescue him. A rescue helicopter flew by and tried to save him, but he refused them and said 'My God is coming to save me.' A little while later a rescue boat came by and he responded the same way. The man eventually drowned. When he got to Heaven he asked God 'Father, I cried out to you for help. Why didn't you save me?' God responded with 'Who do you think sent the helicopter and boat!'"
This is not to say that all treatments of infertility are right within God's eyes. But the research we have done has revealed to us that God intended for his covenant family to grow. Sin of this world has made conception more difficult for some. While we would never be ok doing certain infertility treatments, we would accept some help to become pregnant. We would supplement our bodies with vitamins if they were lacking, we would remove a tumor even if it were benign, we would do an IUI if it bettered our chances of fulfulling our "God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers". We have prayed and prayed for help, and this IUI may just be that "helicopter or boat" from the other story :)
BUT, if it is not. May Glory be to God all the same :) We are aware there is no way of knowing exactly what His plan is. And although I am praying that His plan is for us to conceive a child, His plan may not be for us to concieve right now. And that is ok because He has promised us that He does indeed have a plan for us :)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
_____________________________________________________________
Sept. 22
Today was the day! IUI day that is :) I feel great, some minor cramping. Going to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Praying that we are able to concieve a child if it is God's will. God is faithful and will see us through.
_____________________________________________________________
Sept. 26
So It's been 5 days since our IUI and for the first 4 days I experienced cramping; which has subdued today. Trying to take it easy... No jogging, jumpjacks, etc. LOL. Not sure if "taking it easy" matters or not. I'm trying not to dwell on the matter too much. Trying to remember that I should dwell on things that are Christ centered and remembering that He has taken on the burden of my worry. Go back in 2 days too measure progesterone levels to make sure I ovulated. So that is all for today :) Praying
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
_____________________________________________________________
Oct. 1
So 2 days ago I went to have my Progesterone levels checked. They needed to be over 6 to indicate that I had ovulated this cycle... and they were at 36 :-D Yay!
So now... We wait... and wait... and wait... We have become experts at waiting over the past 2 years so this should be no sweat, Right? I would love to look into a crystal ball and know the yes or no to our question. BUT God does not work that way. We are definitely learning patience and that He is in control; so crystal ball or no crystal ball... it is in God's hands and for that reason I am truly not content :-)
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
____________________________________________________________
Oct. 6
Well Aunt Flow showed up last night... I know it will be ok, I know God has a plan beyond my comprehension... I know. But that doesn't take away the pain I am feeling right know. Sad... yep. Tears... yep. Just Heartache right now...
_____________________________________________________________
Oct. 9
Feeling better :) Today I tried to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen in this situation. And that would be that Mr. R and I never become parents. Thinking about that and knowing that it would not be the end of our world is comforting. We do not need to be parents for our lives to be complete. Our lives are complete in Christ and with each other :)
Of course I still want to be a mom someday, I'm not sure if that desire will ever change; But my world will not fall apart if it doesn't happen.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
My Prayer Today...
My Prayer Today (inspired from a psalm of David, Pslam 22):
"My God... Where are you?
I feel as if you have disappeared from my heart;
abandoned me.
Have you not heard my cries?
I am searching but peace is no where to be found here.
You are the almighty God of David, Abraham, and Isaac
Abba to the Son of Man.
You are Holy; so different from your creation.
You have delivered your people out of turmoil and wrath.
Within your power all things were created.
But have you forgotten me?
I feel so small right now; so insignificant
Please come back to me... Please return to my heart
I am helpless and I know you are the only one who can releive my anguish.
Please deliver me from this sorrow
Amen"
Psalm 22:1-11,19-21 NIV
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.[b]
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
8 “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
“let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him.”
9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
10 From birth I was cast on you;
from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
11 Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
...
19 But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
20 Deliver me from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.
21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save me from the horns of the wild oxen.
"My God... Where are you?
I feel as if you have disappeared from my heart;
abandoned me.
Have you not heard my cries?
I am searching but peace is no where to be found here.
You are the almighty God of David, Abraham, and Isaac
Abba to the Son of Man.
You are Holy; so different from your creation.
You have delivered your people out of turmoil and wrath.
Within your power all things were created.
But have you forgotten me?
I feel so small right now; so insignificant
Please come back to me... Please return to my heart
I am helpless and I know you are the only one who can releive my anguish.
Please deliver me from this sorrow
Amen"
Psalm 22:1-11,19-21 NIV
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.[b]
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
8 “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
“let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him.”
9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
10 From birth I was cast on you;
from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
11 Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
...
19 But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
20 Deliver me from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.
21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save me from the horns of the wild oxen.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I Could Use a Balloon :(
Sometimes God gives us answers as clear as a bell, but other times we just can't hear him. However, scripture teaches us to wait patiently. God has already given us so many answers how could I want the answer to something else. But it would be nice if I could know "When?". Not how or by what means, but when will we be parents. Deep down I know it is in God's best interest that all things are so uncertain. It is the uncertainty of this world that causes us to cling to Him. But some days I am wishing for that, message in a bottle or note in a balloon that says "You and Mr. R will be parents on _______."
However... The answer is here already. I feel like my Father in Heaven is saying "Seek me for your peace, seek me for your comfort, seek me for your family. Put me first before all others." So I am trying my best to push that "When?" question away and to cling to God's plan instead
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21
He has laid out a path for us to follow... And it begins and ends with Him :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Things I'm Looking Forward to
In the spirit of "trying to stay positive", I've decided to jot down all the things I am looking forward too in my future :) Focusing on those things sometimes reminds me of all the ways that God can work miracles...
- Being a MOTHER
- Moving/Selling our house
- A Successful Baseball Season in 2012
- Vacation with my husband (not sure when or where... but we are due for one)
- Christmas :) (my favorite time of the year)
- Taking some photography courses (I love photography and I am dying to know more!)
- The farmer's market I recently signed up for
- Helping someone through a trial in their life
- Going on a Missions trip (someday)
- Finishing my study on Revelation
Monday, October 3, 2011
I read these words on a fellow bloggers blog and thought it summed up my reaction to other's reaction to my infertility perfectly.
"I wish everyone else around me could be as okay with my barrenness as I am. I'm not a soul waiting to be saved or a belly waiting for its seed. I'm a mom of another breed - and I'm okay with that!"
I think people ask me "when are y'all gonna have some kids?" on a weekly basis. This question used to elicit a very emotional response. But I am getting used to answering it. I think it just comes with the territory of being in your mid 20s and being married for a few years. However it's not them asking that will get my feathers ruffled, it's their reaction to my "Problems conceiveing" (as some dare to refer to my infertility) that can sometimes be frustrating. Sometimes I just wanna say "It's okay! We just may not be able to conceive a child." (Sigh) I pray that I will be patient when answering questions from the curious. Some people are just ignorant of our situation and sometimes in the moment they feel like they should say something and it just isn't always the right thing to say.
Here is a link to her blog if you'd like to visit it :) I enjoy reading it
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Dreams of Parenting :)
This title is to be taken literally, lol. Last night I had the craziest, most real-feeling dream about Mr. R and I becoming parents... We adopted a boy and his name was Brae... And that is how it was spelled. I can remember all the tiny details, name spelling, hair color, eye color, etc; it is a bit eerie.
We haven't discussed adoption in detail because we feel God is leading us down another path as of now, but... it was refreshing to dream about us as parents :) Gave me a nice picture of what we are hoping our future will be.
Here is a verse I stumbled across this week and I LOVE it...
We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
Saturday, October 1, 2011
So here is another "infertility blogger" That I just LOVE! She seems so full of wisdom and so kind and I have never even met her! lol. Her struggles are inspiring and her attitude through it all is astounding :) Hope you enjoy following her...
http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/
http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/
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