Tonight was nearly a devastation. I sat with 2 pregnant women speaking of there pregnancies. Listened to another friend as she talked about the amazing feeling of having your baby move inside you and what a joy it is.
As I sat I felt myself giving into Envy. Envious thoughts raced through my head. I tried to battle them away but they kept creeping back in. I found myself wanting to leave to avoid these things. I found myself thinking "Why don't I have that?", "What did I do to deserve this?", "It's not fair, everyone thinks I'm amazing with children, so why dont I have my own."
Even as I blog this now I feel my eyes swelling with tears. Sometimes the pain of it all is overwhelming. I want to share in those pregnant women's joy. I don't want to feel heartache when they speak of their unborn child. I want to share their excitement and happiness.
Although tonight was not the most victorious one during this trial, all will be ok. I have a God who is soverign over all, he loves me more than I am capable of knowing. His providence and promises see me through these difficult times. This is a favorite passage of mine.
" 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15
Some days are harder than others, but I can still see God's promises through the dark clouds that have gathered overhead.
Father forgive me for this idoltry, this envy, this mistrust. Lord help me to set my eyes on you. Even when the thing I idolize most is set right in front of me, let me turn from it and run to you. Fill my heart with your love and with joy for other's as they enjoy the blessings you have given to them. Open my heart and draw me nearer to you Lord. I pray these things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
This song is amazing btw...
