Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

Conclusion to my 2nd to last post :)

Conclusion: It feels good to let it out sometimes... Maybe not in a hysterical crying way (lol), but def. in a talk about things calmly sort of way :)

Yesterday I had the chance to calmly discuss some of what R and I are going through with a family member. And I gotta tell ya... It felt pretty good :) Now there wasn't any intense emotional conversation, but it was nice that some one was showing some compassion towards our struggle. Not to say that other people don't, but sometimes once people know we have been ttc for a while w/o success they don't say anything about our problem, are very careful to not mention anything baby around us, or almost avoid "it" all together.

Now, I know I blog a lot about insensitive things people say, so it may sound like a contradiction when I say it feels good to discuss our issues with others BUT there is a difference in asking questions for selfish/judgemental reasons and asking them bc you are truly concerned. I love discussing things with those "truly concerned"... it is like free (and much needed) therapy, LOL.

When people literally avoid discussing anything baby with me it makes me feel like they look at me as if something is wrong with me :-/ Like "infertility" is some sort of plague that you should be ashamed of.

On the other hand, there are times that it is hard for me to hear people talk about pregnancy, babies, birth plans. BUT HEY!.. I'm a big girl. If I need to leave the room and cry or pray by myself I'll do it. I would rather mourn not being pregnant than feel like a hush comes over the room when I/we walk in.
P.S. When I do need to "leave the room." I don't need a lot of attention bc of it. Maybe just a little prayer or a hug is all, and some understanding that "it is ok to cry or be upset at times."

"Can I handle all that baby talk?" Well some days yes and some days no... But I definitely know that I cannot handle being isolated from friends/family who are pregnant just bc we are not yet.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.
Romans 12:10

Time To Move

Not literally, although our home is for sale and it would be great to move soon, lol. But after reading an amazing quote from Joyce Meyer yesterday I had a light bulb moment :)

"You need to be moving if you want God to show you which way to go." -Joyce Meyer

How amazing are those words when put together! Of course I had a moment of "How/what/where should I be moving?" And after a short moment of pondering this, it became clear that the God gives us instructions on how to move as a Christian. For example, focusing my energy on kind gestures to others, sharing the gospel with friends and strangers alike, volunteering (at church or in the community), cooking someone who is sick a meal, etc. There are so many ways to exalt the gifts God has given to me. I am 100% guilty of sitting in my house reading, praying, reading some more, praying some more, and all that is great. However, Jesus came to share the good news with others not to dabble in things this world has to offer. He commands us to share that good news as well. Maybe for some it's a missions trip and for others it may be just a compassionate gesture to a stranger, but the possibilities are endless :)

Have you ever stopped to think why Jesus always references fishers of men, instead of hunters of men??? Think about how fishermen catch their fish; they cast out their nets and see what they get. They do not pick and choose their prizes or stalk a specific animal as a hunter would do. They get what they get. This is how we are called to share the gospel. Throw ourselves out there and see who responds. We should not wait for what we think is the appropriate person to share the good news with, but instead share whenever the oppurtunity arrises and hope that you catch something :)

"And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”"
Matthew 4:19

Envy

Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???

Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol

I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.

Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.


But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  1 Cor 13:4

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6 
   

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

Round 2!

IUI #2

Oct. 9-13 Clomid
Oct. 18 U/S and HCG shot
Oct. 20 IUI
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Oct. 16

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like he is saying TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

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Oct 18

U/S showed two nice follicles on left side :)


Oct. 20

Today was the iui day :) In that exam room all I could do was look at my amazing husband, and thank God for the blessing He has given me in Mr. R. He is truly an amazing, selfless man, and I am constantly blown away by how devoted he is to me and our marriage. Thanks shug for all that u have done, are doing, and will do. I am truly blessed to have u :)

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Oct 28

Progesterone levels at 45 :)

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Nov 3 - Negative test...

Nov 4 - And not one tear yet!!! Yes I am shocked at my lack of an emotional breakdown... But it feels so great not to crumble with defeat :) All of the blessings that God has given to me have been becoming so clear lately. Yes yes... I do want to be a mother, but right now I can honestly say I do not want it "more than anything else". I want to enjoy the life God has so graciously given to me. So for now I am eagerly pursuing the path he has laid out for me. For now treatments/tests are officially paused. I am not at all regretful for pursuing treatment and yes we will still consider treatment in our future. I am very thankful that we have started down this road because we have learned so much about ourselves, and I have learned a TON about my body. Life is good, but God is so much BETTER!

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Easy to Please

Spent last night riding around back roads with my husband... I realize that may sound weird, however it is something we have done since we first started dating and I think it is crazy romantic... it was a blast!

I woke up today thinking I hope I am always that easy to please. Don't get me wrong I do occasionally want the dinner reservation with a black dress scene; however, riding around our small town without a care in the world makes it to the top of my list.

"What's the point???" you may be wondering... Well, the point is don't become so consumed with your want for a child that you forget about your husband. Always try to make time for your spouse while you're ttc. Don't forget to have sex just for the fun of it, lol. While women feel the loss of not having yet concieved a child, men often feel the loss of a happy and functioning partner. Ahhhhhhh... Love is great :)

It's Starting!

So... It's been a while since I posted; Sorry about that. I've been very busy making time to see my hubby and with some doctors appointments... YES, you read correctly I said doctors appointments!

The hubby and I decided to do some test to see if we could find a cause for not getting pregnant yet. Out of respect for each other, Mr. R and I have decided not to share our test results (good or bad) on this blog.

Dr. W, what I'll call my infertility doctor as of now, was suprisingly laid back and not at all what I was expecting. I was very pleasantly suprised by his approach and the time he took to speak with me. I was terrified he would be a IVF quintuplet making scientist LOL... which needless to say is the opposite of what I am looking for. He let me know immediately that he likes to keep things as simple as possible and IVF was almost a last resort to him. He preferred less invasive treatments when possible, which was a relief to hear!

Interestingly enough... My Hubby was home just a day before my appointment to have a semen analysis ran; that alone is a miracle in itself with his work schedule. On my appointment day my cycle was perfectly lined out to begin the basic testing that day... Everything is working out so perfectly it is almost creepy. I do believe God is at work in this area of our lives (as well as all other areas).

ALSO! Our insurance has covered a great deal of the cost of the tests we had to have ran; which is unbelievable considering most insurance companies do not cover infertility testing. We were expecting to have to pay for everything going into this. Which is another reason we have waited so long before actually doing anything. God provides outlets continuously for us! It is truly by his Grace alone we are able to continue in our pursuit to become parents.

So, in case you're wondering what we are doing now here it goes... I have to call the office on the first day of my next cycle (in a couple of weeks) and start some fertility medication. We are considering having an IUI done when My Hubby gets back home from working in September. For those wondering, an IUI is where Dr. W will take the Hubby's sperm and place it a little closer to my egg at the exact time I am ovulating. The sperm and egg are still doing all the work in my body; They just help the sperm with the journey to the egg at the perfect time... That's the best I can describe it :) However, we haven't officially decided on this yet. Still have many questions to ask, many prayers to be said, and a lot of conversation to be had.

I must say my husband has been amazing through all of this!!! He blows my mind daily with his support and advice. He is such a comfort to me, and I can't imagine going through any of this without him. He has lifted me up from a failed-fetal-position time and time again. He is so sensitive to my feelings, as crazy and ever-changing as they may be. He has been so level headed and comforting during this entire experience; I cannot say enough good things about him.

There is no clear picture in scripture as of what to do in our situation. I have been reading many different opinions and articles on the subject; none are the same, and all of them seem to contradict each other. I am starting to see that it is a matter of the heart, and not as black and white as I would like it to be.

I am trying to keep a Christ centered mind set during all of this. It is hard amongst all of the excitement and running around to keep his pleasure first in my mind. I know all things are in his hands, and that is a huge comfort and security to me. I'm praying for his guidance and for wisdom while we make all of these decisions. I am so humbled by all God has done and is still doing for us. It is amazing to witness it all.

That is all for now. This blog has been amazing for me to vent, and get everything out there. I hope it will help others who may be dealing with a similar situation :)

"So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."
2 Corinthians 5:9

It's Not For Everybody

Well as you could imagine, like anyone who is having trouble concieving a child, adopting has ran through my mind a time or two. I am still not sure if adoption is in the plans for us; although, in the beginning the thought of adoption frightened me a bit.

The more I have learned about the love of God and showing others that same love the more those fears have faded. I used to hear other mothers say "you could never love anyone elses child like you love your own(biological), Nothing compares to having your own(biological) child." Those comments scared me at first.


After hearing those comments... You may be wondering why I would even be considering adopting. Well, contrary to what you may be thinking, it is not because we may have trouble having our own biological children. Yes, that did plant the thought and questions in my mind; however, I have come to grips with the reality that I may have no children at all. I know what a blessing my husband is, and how much we love each other and I can be joyful and content for the rest of my life with him. Instead, I think opening your home and heart to a child in need of a loving home and loving parents is truly an amazing example of God's love.

I also think that not everyone is meant to adopt. I think some of those comments about being unable to love someone elses child as your own are just specific to those individuals. They are just opinions from their own experiences. I believe some are more capable of adopting than others. The reality is IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE. So not everyone will understand.

I am still very unclear as to if I am one of those people that have that heart for adopting. But I do know that I have a deep desire to parent. God has given me this desire. Although I am not sure the plan God has for me, I trust that our family will grow for his glory.

"You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more."

Psalms 10:14,17-18