The Ugly Truth

Today I am realizing the mistake I have made in planning a large portion my life to revolve around one thing happening... I clearly have too much time on my hands today :(

• 2 years ago we traded in my 2 door car for a more "family-friendly" SUV.
• 2 years ago I decided to change my career aspirations to something that would be more family friendly. therefore discontinuing my college aspirations because my one true passion was to be a mom.
• 3 years ago we bought a large 5 bedroom house because we planned on having a large family.

Somedays I hate all the room that my suv has to offer because it reminds me that I am the only one ever riding in it. Somedays I long to be distracted by a "job" in order to take my mind off of the job that I desperately want. Somedays I am ready to give our house away to avoid walking into the 4 empty rooms; one room perfect for a nursery, another would be a perfect play room.

It is exhausting to be strong in front of everyone. It is exhausting to dwell on the fact that we are not parents. It is exhausting to try to explain your emotions to other people who do not understand. It is exhausting to always be "Aunt L" and never "Mom".

I am tired of crying, yet tired of putting on a brave face for others to see. Tired of staying positive. Tired of insensitive comments. Tired of being compared to such-and-such's friend who took 5 years, or 10 years, or 2 years to get pregnant. Tired of feeling as if I may break down at any second. Just slap worn out over it all... Wish I could hit a switch and turn off my emotions at my convienence.

This is not a typical day for me... But honestly this is what I feel like right this minute... This is the "Ugly Truth" about bad days with infertility.

Praying for some understanding and peace that only God is capable of providing.

I have no idea which step to take next. I have been in the word searching for an answer, praying diligently for a light bulb to go off in my head. Wondering if I have missed something. I don't know which direction God is wanting me to go and why He is keeping His plan for His glory so far away from me (or at least it seems far away)... I don't know what to do. Whether to go left, right, straight, or just stand still. Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me. Just praying, praying, praying for something to give... Wish my path would become a little straighter.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10