Time To Move

Not literally, although our home is for sale and it would be great to move soon, lol. But after reading an amazing quote from Joyce Meyer yesterday I had a light bulb moment :)

"You need to be moving if you want God to show you which way to go." -Joyce Meyer

How amazing are those words when put together! Of course I had a moment of "How/what/where should I be moving?" And after a short moment of pondering this, it became clear that the God gives us instructions on how to move as a Christian. For example, focusing my energy on kind gestures to others, sharing the gospel with friends and strangers alike, volunteering (at church or in the community), cooking someone who is sick a meal, etc. There are so many ways to exalt the gifts God has given to me. I am 100% guilty of sitting in my house reading, praying, reading some more, praying some more, and all that is great. However, Jesus came to share the good news with others not to dabble in things this world has to offer. He commands us to share that good news as well. Maybe for some it's a missions trip and for others it may be just a compassionate gesture to a stranger, but the possibilities are endless :)

Have you ever stopped to think why Jesus always references fishers of men, instead of hunters of men??? Think about how fishermen catch their fish; they cast out their nets and see what they get. They do not pick and choose their prizes or stalk a specific animal as a hunter would do. They get what they get. This is how we are called to share the gospel. Throw ourselves out there and see who responds. We should not wait for what we think is the appropriate person to share the good news with, but instead share whenever the oppurtunity arrises and hope that you catch something :)

"And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”"
Matthew 4:19

Today...

Today was better, brighter. I considered deleting my last post... but I decided against it because I hope it will remind me of where I do not want to be in the future :)

The Ugly Truth

Today I am realizing the mistake I have made in planning a large portion my life to revolve around one thing happening... I clearly have too much time on my hands today :(

• 2 years ago we traded in my 2 door car for a more "family-friendly" SUV.
• 2 years ago I decided to change my career aspirations to something that would be more family friendly. therefore discontinuing my college aspirations because my one true passion was to be a mom.
• 3 years ago we bought a large 5 bedroom house because we planned on having a large family.

Somedays I hate all the room that my suv has to offer because it reminds me that I am the only one ever riding in it. Somedays I long to be distracted by a "job" in order to take my mind off of the job that I desperately want. Somedays I am ready to give our house away to avoid walking into the 4 empty rooms; one room perfect for a nursery, another would be a perfect play room.

It is exhausting to be strong in front of everyone. It is exhausting to dwell on the fact that we are not parents. It is exhausting to try to explain your emotions to other people who do not understand. It is exhausting to always be "Aunt L" and never "Mom".

I am tired of crying, yet tired of putting on a brave face for others to see. Tired of staying positive. Tired of insensitive comments. Tired of being compared to such-and-such's friend who took 5 years, or 10 years, or 2 years to get pregnant. Tired of feeling as if I may break down at any second. Just slap worn out over it all... Wish I could hit a switch and turn off my emotions at my convienence.

This is not a typical day for me... But honestly this is what I feel like right this minute... This is the "Ugly Truth" about bad days with infertility.

Praying for some understanding and peace that only God is capable of providing.

I have no idea which step to take next. I have been in the word searching for an answer, praying diligently for a light bulb to go off in my head. Wondering if I have missed something. I don't know which direction God is wanting me to go and why He is keeping His plan for His glory so far away from me (or at least it seems far away)... I don't know what to do. Whether to go left, right, straight, or just stand still. Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me. Just praying, praying, praying for something to give... Wish my path would become a little straighter.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

Envy

Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???

Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol

I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.

Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.


But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  1 Cor 13:4

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6 
   

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

After Your Visit To The Infertility Doctor

So once you've gone to the doctor, then what??? Here are some things I think you should think about after your appointment.

1. Don't hesitate to pick up the phone and call the nurse/doctor to ask them questions. That is what they are there for :) A good clinic will be glad to walk you through any hesitations that you might have without pressuring you.
2. Although it may prove difficult, try to avoid reading about every little infertility test/treatment plan online. So much information available through the internet is inaccurate; your doctor is the best source of information for you.
3. Talk to your Spouse about what the appointment was like for him/her. Discuss any reservations or concerns.
4. Do not act impulsively. In an emotionally charged situation sometimes we do not think before we act. Take your time and think about the next step your doctor has suggested. Does the next step entail any risk or side effects?
5. Discuss your limits on what you are willing to undergo. Not only ethically but financially. Now these limits do not have to be set in stone they may change with time, but you might just make a list such as: iui - yes, ivf - need more research/questions answered, surrogate - no, embryo adoption - no. Once you do more research you may change your opinion on each of these procedures, but it's good to have an idea before starting down this road.

And of course... PRAY and seek to do things that are pleasing to God :)  

And that's my 2 cents for whatever it's worth!

Future Options...

So... I have previously stated that we are putting IF test/treatments on a pause, and I am still sticking by that for now. But in case anyone reading this is wondering what the next step would be in terms of any ARTs (assisted reproductive technology)/treatments. Here it is:

• At first (after initial testing) the doctor believed we would be great cadidates for the iui. Well 2 iui's later and still no pregnancy :)
• Dr. W says he typically doesn't change the course of treatment for patients in our situation until 3 iui's have failed...
• If #3 iui fails, it in no way means that we will never be parents, but...
• If we were to pursue a 3rd iui (which some day we may do) and if it failed we would need to reevaluate our treatment path.
• I'm not sure what his next suggestion would be and I refuse to jump that far ahead of everything...

So for now... that is all we know about that :)

Where's My Window???

Have you ever heard the expression "God doesn't close a door without leaving an open window." Well... I DO believe this is true. God promises that He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11)... But today I can't help but wonder "Where's my window?" LOL

Or better yet... "Which window would you like me to jump through?" I know the Lord has something in mind, but my impatience sometimes gets the best of me :) Although I am excited about all of the "Open windows" God is providing for us, I do wish one window would have a sign beside it saying "Use this window to glorify God!" We are trusting the Holy Spirit to lead us down the right path. I am certain that one direction will appear clear in God's time.

I am so thankful for the many blessings He has given to us :)

"A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree." Proverbs 11:28

Encouraging Article

Stole this from this blog and I love it!!! Can't wait to see which way we will travel... By air or by sea... Both will be rewarding in their own way :)

From a letter written to Dear Abby:
(The author of this letter is the mother of 2 adopted children)

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you, you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait... and wait... and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."
"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

It is amazing to know that not everyone arrives at their destination the same way :)

The "Adoption Seed"

At church we have been going through the miracle of adoption. Not from the world's viewpoint but from a Godly viewpoint.

As Christians we have all been adopted into God's covenant family. It is only by the blood of Christ that we are able to enter into this covenant and cry out "Father". God is the Father over all of us. He loves us regardless of our last name, our families reputation, our past sins, etc. No one Christian comes before the other and that simplicity is what it is all about: BELIEVE, ask for forgiveness, repent, and obey. That's the formula :) And that is why so many people struggle with Christianity because it's hard to understand how it can be so easy... so simple. But because of Jesus Christ dying on the cross it is that easy! That was his message :)

I'm starting to see adoption not as a possible solution, but as a blessing. Just look at the blessing we have been given by our true and holy Father to come into his family. What a blessing it would be to offer that same love to another person.

Now, now do not be alarmed!... Although contrary to my normally impulsive nature, I am not going to run out and contact an adoption agency tomorrow, lol. First off it is not an easy process and secondly it is not a cheap process. I don't know if this new view will help Mr. R and I or not; I may just be able to offer some advice to others who are struggling in a similar situation. We still have some treatment options that we are willing to explore, BUT our limitations on which infertility treatments we are willing to undergo may someday cause us to reevaluate our position on adoption. And I am actually excited about the possibility that we could one day be adoptive parents! I know that if God does lead us in the direction of adoption it in no way will be an easy road, but if it is what He wants for us He will make a way :)

Adoption will in no way take away pain caused by infertility and it should not be pursued as a "second option." So having said that I am now waiting like a spectator; excited to see the plan God has in store for us. To concieve, to adopt, or something else... I truly cannot wait for it to unfold!

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:27

 

Things To Do Before Visiting The Infertility Doctor

I wish I would have had a "to do" list before we made our intial doctors appointment with Dr. W, our RE. So in case someone else is wondering what to do before visiting here is my 2 cents on it :)

1. PRAY! Pray for guidance and wisdom during this journey. This is absolutely the most important part of the process to me.

2. Only you know when to pick up the phone and schedule the appointment. Keep in mind you are not considered "infertile" until you have tried to concieve for a year without success, or until you have tried to concieve for 6 months without success if you are over 35 years of age. Once you have reached one of those points YOU will know when the time is right for YOU.

3. Remember you are not alone in making this decision. Consult your spouse and explore what his or her feelings are about scheduling an appointment. Talk about reservations that you may have about the appointment.

4. Get in touch with your insurance about coverage that they offer for infertility testing. Most insurances offer little to no coverage for infertility testing and treatments, and unfortunately the bills can quickly get overwhelming. If you have a budget, discuss exactly what you will budget before beginning the infertility journey.

5. Decide what you are looking for in an RE. We wanted a fairly conservative RE with the least invasive amount of testing/treatment as possible.

5. If possible obtain references for doctors. If a friend or family member pursued IF tests/treatments ask them about their doctor and if they would use them again.

6. Talk to someone who shares your faith for an extra perspective on your situation. Ask your pastor if they know anyone who has been in a similar situation that you could speak with.

And there are my thoughts on that! :) Of course you can add some things or take some things away, but I believe making sure to do the above things can save you some time and some headaches.

KEEP GOD'S GLORY ON THE FOREFRONT OF YOUR MIND ALL OF THE TIME. When in doubt pray, pray, and pray some more.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Round 2!

IUI #2

Oct. 9-13 Clomid
Oct. 18 U/S and HCG shot
Oct. 20 IUI
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Oct. 16

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like he is saying TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

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Oct 18

U/S showed two nice follicles on left side :)


Oct. 20

Today was the iui day :) In that exam room all I could do was look at my amazing husband, and thank God for the blessing He has given me in Mr. R. He is truly an amazing, selfless man, and I am constantly blown away by how devoted he is to me and our marriage. Thanks shug for all that u have done, are doing, and will do. I am truly blessed to have u :)

___________________________________________________________

Oct 28

Progesterone levels at 45 :)

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Nov 3 - Negative test...

Nov 4 - And not one tear yet!!! Yes I am shocked at my lack of an emotional breakdown... But it feels so great not to crumble with defeat :) All of the blessings that God has given to me have been becoming so clear lately. Yes yes... I do want to be a mother, but right now I can honestly say I do not want it "more than anything else". I want to enjoy the life God has so graciously given to me. So for now I am eagerly pursuing the path he has laid out for me. For now treatments/tests are officially paused. I am not at all regretful for pursuing treatment and yes we will still consider treatment in our future. I am very thankful that we have started down this road because we have learned so much about ourselves, and I have learned a TON about my body. Life is good, but God is so much BETTER!

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

A Busy Bee

I haven't had much blogging time lately due to a part-time job I recently obtained. And in a way I am thankful that I haven't had too much free time :)

I've always heard that an idle mind is a dangerous mind, and I am now a firm believer in that. I have been so busy with this new job that I have not had anytime at all to think about other things, i.e. Infertility :) I breeze by the baby section without so much as a second thought about it. That's not to say that I have stopped wanting to be a mother. But that "want" is not the driving force in my day lately.

So... What about when this temp job runs it's course in a couple of months, what will keep me busy then? Well this new epiphany has me reeling for what's next. And when this temp job runs out I may just get another part-time job :) And something else I will change is my daily alone time with God.

I strive to have that daily quiet time with the Lord, however somedays it gets away from me. But recently when I go to that quiet place with the lord I focus on growing our family. The lord knows my desires an I will continue to ask him to be with the concerns in my heart. However, I will change that quiet time's focus away from barren women of the bible and biblical motherhood to what God decides to reveal to me that day. After all, it is his glory that comes first.

So my goal is to keep busy in Christ; in his word, in his glory.

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy," Colossians 1:11