Iperiod App Teaser

Stop teasing me IP App with the alert that my period is late by one day... I used to get these alerts and think "I'm pregnant!". But these alerts aren't unusual, even by 2 or 3 or 4 days with me.

My mind doesn't wander into the fairy land of motherhood with this alert like it used too :) and I am thankful for that. Although it would be awesome to see a late period result from pregnancy... It just doesn't seem to happen in this neck of the woods.

I'll keep praying for God to prepare my heart for what is in store. I know it is something good :) and better than a late period alert!

Something that only He knows and will reveal in His time.

A New Year... well almost :)

New Year's Eve (sigh). Next month marks 2 1/2 years of me and R trying to grow our family and I cannot believe be how content I am right now. I think it is because I know that we will be given the gift of loving and nurturing one or more of God's little angels :) Whether through biological, foster, or adopting, I believe we will be parents.

What I learned in 2011 is:

• Don't put God in a box (don't place limits on the Almighty God)
• God before others, others before self. We are called to LOVE others no matter their circumstances or offenses (and this does not mean simply smiling at a stranger... it means really loving them, sympathizing with them, wanting the best for them)
• Pray (and think) before you act
• Talk about how "I am feeling" with others. Don't hold everything in. God has given me supportive family and friends to share with.
• I am inclined to be FAR more selfish than I ever thought I was or could be. Because of that always ask: Who am I serving with my actions, thoughts, or words.
• When I do become a mother, I think I will appreciate it much more than I ever would have not going through any of this (not that other moms are less appreciative).

Happy New Year!

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19       

What I Want

When I express enthusiasm about adopting/fostering several people say things like "Well I wouldn't want to have to adopt." "Well that would be to hard to give back a baby after caring for it." "I would want to experience pregnancy." ... And I have to admit, I also felt all of these things at one point.

BUT thankfully, this experience has taught me that nothing is about what I wanted. What I wanted was serving me alone, what I wanted was thinking of myself and my husband alone. Now I am filled with a passion for what God wants and serving Christ alone :)

I do want to start giving back to the orphan, fatherless, poor because it is spelled out in scripture that we should do so. God does not say it is optional... He demands it.

Even if R and I do not adopt I still want to give to this ministry in other ways. There are so many ways to give that do not have to include money:

• Pray for them.
• Give your time. Volunteer.
• Mentor a child in need.
• Give financially

I am so glad to have a heart for the children who are without parents. They are so innocent, so undeserving of the bad hand they have been dealt.


So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. Exodus 22:22

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Ramblings

Lately, I've really been trying to focus on the positive... However, it is easy because there are positive things happening in our lives right now :) But I'm learning that every attitude in every situation takes effort.

I don't just wake up in a good mood every morning, not thinking about the fact that I am not yet a mother. Somedays I have to actively choose not to dwell on it. Somedays I have to literally tell myself "You are not going to give in to this negativity today."

Yes I do need those day with a gallon of ice cream, old movies, and a box of kleenex; but I want to be able to choose a better day. And the fact is... I can choose a better day, a better attitude. With God's help, my burden can be lighter.

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

God is AMAZING!

I am witnessing God's faithfulness in our lives constantly during this Christmas season. Sometimes the Lord waits until the very last minute to deliver us. However, the point is.... He does, in deed, deliver His children :) And I am so thankful for that!

When I really feel His love... I mean when it really hits me... I feel completely overwhelmed by it. The Grace He has given is so amazing.

We are starting a new chapter of our lives soon :) I am so excited about it! A new chapter of simplicity, a greater focus on the Lord, and sharing with others.

Lately, I feel the Lord is placing a passion for a certain something in my heart (still keeping a secret, lol). I had NO IDEA this passion even existed until recently :) I have to admit I am kind of nervous about it. I'm not sure where it will take me/us. BUT I do know that God is in the driver's seat. I know that He will provide all things for His plan unfold perfectly.

Prayer request:
Please just pray that the Lord will prepare me and Mr. R's hearts for whatever the future holds :) Pray that we surrender ourselves, our ambitions, our wants to His call. Pray that we have a heart filled with love that only God can provide.

Thank you!

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

 

Too Funny!

Stole this from a friends blog.

" ‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!"

Awesome!!!

Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

Conclusion to my 2nd to last post :)

Conclusion: It feels good to let it out sometimes... Maybe not in a hysterical crying way (lol), but def. in a talk about things calmly sort of way :)

Yesterday I had the chance to calmly discuss some of what R and I are going through with a family member. And I gotta tell ya... It felt pretty good :) Now there wasn't any intense emotional conversation, but it was nice that some one was showing some compassion towards our struggle. Not to say that other people don't, but sometimes once people know we have been ttc for a while w/o success they don't say anything about our problem, are very careful to not mention anything baby around us, or almost avoid "it" all together.

Now, I know I blog a lot about insensitive things people say, so it may sound like a contradiction when I say it feels good to discuss our issues with others BUT there is a difference in asking questions for selfish/judgemental reasons and asking them bc you are truly concerned. I love discussing things with those "truly concerned"... it is like free (and much needed) therapy, LOL.

When people literally avoid discussing anything baby with me it makes me feel like they look at me as if something is wrong with me :-/ Like "infertility" is some sort of plague that you should be ashamed of.

On the other hand, there are times that it is hard for me to hear people talk about pregnancy, babies, birth plans. BUT HEY!.. I'm a big girl. If I need to leave the room and cry or pray by myself I'll do it. I would rather mourn not being pregnant than feel like a hush comes over the room when I/we walk in.
P.S. When I do need to "leave the room." I don't need a lot of attention bc of it. Maybe just a little prayer or a hug is all, and some understanding that "it is ok to cry or be upset at times."

"Can I handle all that baby talk?" Well some days yes and some days no... But I definitely know that I cannot handle being isolated from friends/family who are pregnant just bc we are not yet.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.
Romans 12:10

The Infertility Treatment vs. Adoption Wars!?! (borrowed)

Love this post from that I borrowed from this BLOG! It is on the money :)

"I’m as competitive as the next person. Whether I’m playing dominoes, tennis or Trivial Pursuit, I like to win. I don’t often, but I like to. Competition can be a force for good: spurring us, challenging us, pushing us. But competition does NOT belong in family building. It’s one thing if those ignorant of the pain of infertility question our choices, but those within our infertility/adoption community need to support each other. From where I sit with one foot in the infertility world and one foot in the adoption world, I see way too much competition, and it drives me nuts.
Infertile and adopting couples get it from all sides. I probably hear it more because my work and radio show cover the waterfront of all alternative methods of family building, but you don’t have to scratch the surface of many internet forums or support group meetings to hear it for yourself. It may be subtle, but it’s there all the same. People who adopt internationally hear “Why didn’t you adopt children here in the US?” People who adopt infants domestically hear “Why didn’t you adopt from foster care.” People going through IVF, especially after the first failed round, hear “Why don’t you just adopt.” People moving to adoption after infertility hear “Why are you quitting, I know of someone who got pregnant on the _______(third, fifth, tenth) IVF cycle.” And heaven help the folks who choose to adopt without being infertile. They are almost past commenting, but they still hear plenty of “don’t you want children of your own?”
Competition assumes that there is something to win—that one way is better. Oh, if only infertility and adoption were so clear. What’s right for me may not be, and probably isn’t, right for you. And what’s right for you right now, may very likely change in the future. Although we share the pain of wanting children, everyone’s journey is unique.
Many of these comments come from folks who have never needed an alternative way to form their families. They ditch the condoms, buy a bottle of wine, and nine months later welcome a child into their family. For these people, the issue isn’t competition, just ignorance and insensitivity. Deal with them as you see fit, preferably without physical violence.
I want to address the green-eyed monster’s presence within our community. The dirty laundry we wouldn’t necessarily want to share with the rest of the world. People in infertility treatment may question how you can give up the biological connection. People who adopt may question why someone would continue with the uncertainty and expense of infertility treatments. People who adopt domestically may question why someone would adopt from abroad when there are kids right here at home that need families. People using their own eggs for IVF may question how someone could use donor eggs without exhausting all other options first. People who adopt children already born may question why someone would adopt an embryo.
I don’t have a problem with real, honest to goodness questions. I’m all for increased dialog and understanding. But the intent of a real question is to receive information. Many of these so-called questions are veiled, or not so veiled, attempts to judge the other person’s decision. These questions come with an inherent sense of the superiority of one method of family building.
Let’s face it; most of us opt for the easiest way to have kids. For some, there is no easy way, but they choose the next step that feels most comfortable. Ease and comfort are individual and may change with time. We have no control over what other’s outside of the sisterhood and brotherhood of alternative family building say, but we can control what we say. Let’s make a pact to celebrate all forms of family creation and drop the sense, at least outwardly, that one way is the best way. If we end up with the family we want, then we have won."

• I have actually heard the "why don't y'all just adopt?" question... My thought = Why don't you just give me 20-40k bucks? lol
• I have heard "Don't you want to have children of your own?" My thought = Our children, no matter what path is chosen for us, will be our own.
• I have heard "Why are y'all giving up? I haven't given up on y'all" My thought = either way we go, treatment or adoption, we will arrive at the same destination. Neither is giving up. Both are an extraordinary blessing from God... One is not Better than the other in my mind just different ways of getting to the same place... Parenthood :)

How does it feel ?

I have had people try to compare our struggle with trying to become pregnant with their "bad days" or "wanting a day off" or "a day with their misbahaving children" or "wishing they could go back to when they were childless" I KNOW ALMOST ALL OF THESE REMARKS ARE WELL INTENTIONED. That is why I try to let them roll off my back. Because it is impossible for them to truly feel my hurt unless they have experienced it. (Also if you are reading this and have said one of the above. No hard feelings at all! you are not the enemy and I know that)

However, unless any of the above thought-to-be comparable situations send you into a sobbing panic attack where you find it hard to breathe and you cannot even think of speaking because words simply cannot be formed b/t your sobs, your eyes nearly swell shut from crying so hard, and this happens over and over and over again... It just doesn't come close to comparing. I promise that I am not a being overly dramatic and throwing a fit because I can't have something I want and it makes me upset; instead it is a real physical and emotional pain that I have never felt before this in my life! I do not enjoy crying so hard I can't see or having a hard time breathing, it is just HOW I FEEL on somedays.

I AM ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY... But I have a hard time explaining "how I feel about what we are experiencing" to anyone. Since I was very young I have had this thought that I am supposed to be strong and never appear weak (or cry so hard I can't breathe around others). And BOY O BOY how that line of thinking has been turned upside down with this ordeal, lol.  I know God is using this time to help me realize I need Him and I do not have to be strong because He is strong for me... I know He wants me to break down in sobs and cry out for help. And I am realizing more and more each day that is what I need to do. And I often do...

BUT when I am discussing our troubles with others it is hard for me to do this... I don't know why, but I just feel the urge to "put on that brave face" and hold back the tears. I literally have had to leave social/family gatherings because I know I am about to breakdown. A friend of mine going through a very similar situation once said "It is like trying to keep that knot in your throat in one spot..." so it does not burst into an uncontrolable breakdown. and I knew exactly what knot she was referring too because I have that same knot everytime I discuss our babymaking obstacles with someone. And then I think "what if?"

What if I stopped trying to control that knot? Would that help others understand what I am feeling? Would it help me to let it out to other people?

I am not sure what the answer to that is. I know that when I "let go" when I am alone with God or with my husband once the tears have passed, sometimes that takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes 4 hours (literally), I feel an amazing peace and comfort come over me.

So... How do I feel when that intense pain comes over me?.. It is all I can do to not fall to the ground (literally), I have a hard time speaking to or seeing people (even if it is a phone call), I literally cannot form words, I literally have to remind myself to breathe, my chest aches, I can hardly see, and I am not really angry... just hurting; that's the best I can describe it. Sometimes it's just 10 minutes and other times it goes on for hours. At the end of it I somehow feel better... but it is an exhausting ordeal :)

I can't control it
BUT God can :)
 

Q & A

People ask me a lot of questions when they find out we have been trying to concieve a child for the past 2 1/2 years. So as a way of answering them on here I've decided to start a Q & A on my blog...

I hope my venting about people's insensitive comments on here has not hindered anyone who is truly concerned from asking us questions. I absolutely realize most people are coming from a good place when they ask/say things about our baby making status. More than anything I need to pray that I have patience and understanding when educating them about all we're going through. So if you have any questions you have held back on out of fear of getting blog bashed, no worries, ask away, lol.

1. Have You and R considered adopting?
• Absolutely. If God calls us to adopt we are absolutely prepared to do so :)
2. If your tests came back "normal" then there probably isn't a problem, right?
• Well, not necessarily... So far our tests have came back normal. However, there are still tests which we have not done, and will not do anytime soon because it would be very invasive on my body. One day we may look into that, but right now we have decided not too.
3. Could taking birth control pills be what is causing your infertility?
• In my case, No. We know my body is producing eggs and we know that my hormone levels have indicated that I have in fact ovulated. Birth control prevents ovulation from happening; so if I were having some "run-off effect" from birth control, I would not ovulate.
4. I know people who have gotten pregnant after years of trying, could that happen to y'all?
• Absolutely! We are well aware that God's timing is definitely not in line with our timing. And yes, miracles DO happen. But not everyone will share their anatomical, reproductive health openly with you. There could have been a change in that person's body within those years that allowed them to become pregnant.
5.   Are you ever angry with God?
• Sadly, some days, my anger will get the best of me. However, I know in my heart of hearts, from studying God's word, that this is not a punishment from God. And I immediately seek forgiveness when I become angry. After all... His plan will prevail
6. Why aren't you more open with your experiences in trying to concieve?
• Truthfully... I am not 100% sure on this answer, lol. Partly because I do not want to be subjected to constant questioning/comments on what we are dealing with. Partly because I do not want to be involved in a "pity party". Partly because it may be too private for just anyone to become involved with. And partly out of FEAR... Fear of being the "talk of town", fear of being judged by others, fear of putting myself out their and getting hurt..
• However, lately I am finding that it is impossible for those people who can become pregnant easily to understand the pain that results from not being able to concieve easily (if at all). Their well-intentioned comments of trying to make it seem "not-so bad" usually cut right to my heart. I am praying for patience when listening to other's careless words. I am praying that God will give me the words to effectively express what I am going through to others, so that they will realize how painful this is.
7. Have you thought about a surrogate?
• As of right now there really isn't a reason to think about it. If we discover something is anatomically/biologically wrong with my uterus we may have to discuss it. But I am not certain if that would be an option that is right for us.
• When we make decisions concerning treatment (or any important decision) I try to ask myself is this self-serving or God-serving? and that usually makes the answer clear :)
8.   Have you lost faith that you will have your own kids one day?
• NO INDEED! My faith in God's sovereignty is what has gotten me through all of this. I feel positive about adoption and about concieving. One does not exclude the other in my mind. I have not "given up" the idea of getting pregnant. I am simply letting God have that worry. I am choosing not to burden myself with something He is in control of and instead delight in what He is giving to me right now --> a heart for parenting. And whether biological or adopted, our kids will be our "own kids" :) That's how I see it, and that is how I am able to be upbeat either way. It has taken a while to get to this point so that is why I am excited about it. Not to say that there aren't days that I long to be pregnant, but ultimately I know God's plan is perfect and all will be as it should be.
• Also, exploring ways to help with the process of conception is in no way a loss of faith on our part. According to Malachi 2:15 God seeks godly offspring, and why should we shut out the gift of ARTs to assist us in pleasing the Lord. Some will say "It is not God's will for you to get pregnant, you should let him have control." And I say to that HE is in control. I can't "let Him" have it. He is the ALMIGHTY GOD. And if I were going against His design for my body's function I could see a point. But not all ARTs are crazy cloning, embryo destructing treatments. God is not inflicting this suffering and pain on me to cause me agony, it is a result from the fall of man and sin. I believe He is teaching us so much through it :)     

Fallen

After a tear-filled morning of emotional chaos I finally started cleaning up our house. As I made my way upstairs to our master bedroom I began to sraighten up my vanity. On my vanity I have a small ceramic vase... It is VERY UNSTABLE and no matter how hard I try not to knock it over it always falls to the floor while I cringe hoping I haven't destroyed it.

I was picking it up (the same way I do EVERYTIME I clean) I said to myself "I have never seen anything fall so much." and BAM. God spoke to me loud and clear :)

I have never seen anything fall so much... Except for myself. Everyday I fall to the ground and everyday I need someone to pick me up. Just as I pick up that little vase and place it back on my vanity, my Lord is there to pick me up time and time again. Except He will never cringe, and I will never be too damaged for him to repair.

What an amazing peace He offers.     

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:22-24

Turning Over a New Leaf!

I just now saw another fb status of "we're expecting (again)" and for half of a second I thought this same thought that I had a week ago "Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me."

BUT I quickly countered on my own thoughts with "Wait a minute, but I'm moving... I'm not in neutral, just on a different road all together." Ahhhhhhhh Good revealation during a time that could have turned to self pity! :)

Loving God's wisdom!

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back. Proverbs 29:11

Amazing advice!

I found an amazing blog with an amazing answer to a thoughtful question...

"As a "fertile woman" how do I deal with my infertile sister (or close friend)?" 

Melissa's Answer:

I don't remember a specific verse or book...in fact, I don't know of a book that helps a family member/close friend walk through the journey of infertility. BUT, what God taught me LOUD and CLEAR is that

 no matter WHAT was said to me or about me or implied to me or about me no matter how angry or cold Rachel may have seemed towards me (at times..not all the time) this was NOT about me

this was about a much deeper battle that, despite seeming like it was aimed at me at times, had nothing to do with me

I was not the enemy
The inability to conceive was the enemy

As a family member/friend who CAN get pregnant, it is REALLY REALLY important to understand this b.c once you understand it, you can handle the above mentioned things you can let them be angry and hurt...even if it's in your direction, b.c you don't need to take it personally

The other thing that really helped me was to realize that I couldn't do anything to make it better.

I couldn't say anything to make it better

All I could do was listen

pray

ask if I could ask questions...and be ok if she said no

It seemed that the more I allowed her to JUST BE when she was with me, the more natural it was

the less on edge she seemed

GRACE is a necessity when walking along side someone going through something so big

As someone who CAN have children easily, we MUST understand that we will NEVER understand what its like to WANT a child so badly....period.

At the same time, the person going through infertility must understand that, if not careful, they can REALLY hurt the people they love. And that the people they love, aren't the enemy. And they really DON'T understand what you are going through...not b.c they don't want to understand, but b.c they CAN'T understand.

it is SUCH a delicate road to walk"

Wow... The woman who wrote got pregnant within a month of trying while her sister struggles with infertility. Amazing words of wisdom

Operation Get Moving!

So because I have fallen into an insane habit of laying around my house doing nothing for the past few weeks. I (with the help of Joyce Meyer's quote) have decided to "move".

How have I/Am I moving today?

• Visited my sister and sick niece :)
• Cleaned our house
• Soon going for a jog with the pup and
•  Made a decision to sacrifice something I enjoy for a bigger purpose. (cant share too many details about this one)

BUT as I was reading Proverbs 8 this morning the focus was on wisdom and being sure to listen to the wisdom that God gives to you. I have been feeling a tug on my heart to do this thing for a while now, however selfishly I have pushed the thought away. But as I read this scripture this morning I quickly realized my mistake.

“ Now therefore, listen to me, my children,

For blessed are those who keep my ways.

³³ Hear instruction and be wise,

And do not disdain it.

³⁴ Blessed is the man who listens to me,

Watching daily at my gates,

Waiting at the posts of my doors.

³⁵ For whoever finds me finds life,

And obtains favor from the LORD; "

Proverbs 8:32-35

'Wisdom offers long term satisfaction and leads to life, while folly, which brings immediate gratification, ultimately leads to death.' In the new testament Jesus is the Wisdom and Word of God.

It's not about me or what I enjoy/want. It's about Christ and God's glory. Things of this world will come and go, but Heaven is forever :)