How has this trial changed me?

It is amazing how infertility has had a positive affect on my life. As I share with other people it is hard to express my mixed emotions about our experiences. However, if it were not for this experience I would still be in the dark on so many truths I have recently learned.

It is so easy to spout out "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." But do we really mean that every time? I know now that I did not mean that at all times. If the Lord's will was to take my husband from me would I really mean "Thy will be done." Or if he willed us into financial hardships, would I truly mean "Thy will be done." Now I know what that prayer means on an entirely new level. It means surrendering myself to God; submitting to Him alone. It means dying to myself everyday in order to live out the life He has called me to live.

The truth is if I had not had this trial in my life I may have never known what it means to trust in Christ. I pray daily that God will enrich my relationship with Him; bring me closer to Him. Although this storm may have not been what I would have picked to fufill that prayer, God knew that this would bring me into a closer relationship with him. In a way, my infertility struggle has been an answer to my prayers.

Count it all joy, my brothers,^[a] when you meet trials^(B) of various kinds, ³for you know that^(C) the testing of your faith^(D) produces steadfastness. ⁴And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be^(E) perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
 ^5(F) If any of you lacks wisdom,^(G) let him ask God,^(H) who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶But^(I) let him ask in faith,^(J) with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like^(K) a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ^8(L) he is a double-minded man,^(M) unstable in all his ways.
James 1:2-8

Here it goes...

I feel the best way to kick this shindig off is to share my testimony. I have been a Christian now for almost 3 years. Although before then I always thought... "Sure, I'm a Christian, I suppose. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe what scripture says. (although I did not practice it)" But it wasn't until a few years ago that God saved me and changed my heart.

Once Mr. R (my husband) and I were married I was very concerned about the success of our marriage. Now let me just say our relationship was superb, we fit together like a hand in a glove; I know now that the anxiety I was feeling was a result of my parent's failed marriage. Being brought up in a broken home made me strive to have a successful marriage and to do all I could to make sure we perservered through any storm that could be headed our way. At this time I was part of a women's bible study, and we were studying the seven virtues of a godly wife and mother. I learned so many valuable lessons from this experience. God's design for marriage was revealed to me and I began to strive to be a woman and a wife that would glorify him. I began to learn the beauty of submission and put it into practice to the best of my ability. I saw my marriage transform from good to amazing.

In learning to submit to my husband I learned to submit to My father. I learned what it was to glorify the lord and to turn to him before all others. I cannot explain it very well... I was just SAVED by the grace of God alone. I did nothing to make it happen, he just changed me, adopted me, softened me, and I cannot begin to express the love I felt from this.

Since then, I have repeatedly seen God's hand in my life. Through many trial's I have seen the Lord's provision. He has demonstrated his faithfulness to me time and time again. I know now that apart from God I am helpless. And although I have good days and bad days through this trial of trying to concieve a child, I know that my God is a faithful one and he knows my needs and hearts desires before I even tell him. The lord is great and is working in my life for my spiritual good and his glory. I am so thankful for his steadfast love.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11