Has it really been 2 1/2 years???

Well the 2 1/2 year anniversary (this month) of R and I ttc is starting to sting a little :-/ It's probably because everyone and their mother are pregnant, lol. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them, but all to often I am reminded that after 2 1/2 years we aren't there yet. Of course my emotional state has improved since a year ago. Thanks to the Lord, there are so many "easy days" now. Days I do not dwell on not being a mother; days I am soooooooo content; days I am elated about other people's great news of being pregnant.

I guess I just sit and wonder at times if R and I are so great with kids and have experience with taking care of them and doing a good job at it, why aren't we the ones expecting? I sit back and hope these women with pregnancies realize what a gift they have been given with their buns in the oven. Not that I am an authority on telling others what to be thankful for or anything. I just hope they realize that they have an amazing gift that not every other person is able to have.

Although I know God has a perfect plan for us, it still hurts every month when AF shows up, it still hurts when everyone around me gets pregnant easily and we are wanting it so badly.

I know our day will come... One day we will be ecstatic and know the amazing blessing that a child brings. One day we will love a child with all our might. One day we will decorate the nursery, register, plan family outings and and the rest that comes with loving a baby. I'm looking forward to it and when I think about those times we will spend together as a family I smile :)

Envy

Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???

Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol

I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.

Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.


But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  1 Cor 13:4

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6 
   

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

A Blah Kind of Day

Feeling kind of blah today... Not sure if it is because of the lack of coffee (Im trying to cut back on caffine) or the fact that I have visited baby stores for 2 days in a row... I think I'll cut back on doing that even though it is with my sister and much loved niece.

I saw the most precious baby hat that said "My Daddy Drives a John Deere." And immediately felt that longing feeling, then despair, then guilt... longing for a baby to put in that hat, despair that it may never happen, and then guilt that my husband may not ever have the chance to be a "Daddy (who) Drives a John Deere"... They didn't last long though. Those feelings used to cripple me; Now they just sting a little.

Seems like I go back to that simple childhood prayer "God is great, God is good." It is so simple, but still so true. I'm trusting in the Holy Spirit to lead me on in the correct way.

Love this:
"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:22-24

Going to take my own advice and turn to prayer and scripture to get me out of this funk.

Sometimes I lose the battle...

Tonight was nearly a devastation. I sat with 2 pregnant women speaking of there pregnancies. Listened to another friend as she talked about the amazing feeling of having your baby move inside you and what a joy it is.

As I sat I felt myself giving into Envy. Envious thoughts raced through my head. I tried to battle them away but they kept creeping back in. I found myself wanting to leave to avoid these things. I found myself thinking "Why don't I have that?", "What did I do to deserve this?", "It's not fair, everyone thinks I'm amazing with children, so why dont I have my own."

Even as I blog this now I feel my eyes swelling with tears. Sometimes the pain of it all is overwhelming. I want to share in those pregnant women's joy. I don't want to feel heartache when they speak of their unborn child. I want to share their excitement and happiness.

Although tonight was not the most victorious one during this trial, all will be ok. I have a God who is soverign over all, he loves me more than I am capable of knowing. His providence and promises see me through these difficult times. This is a favorite passage of mine.
 
" ¹⁴ if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ¹⁵ Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15

Some days are harder than others, but I can still see God's promises through the dark clouds that have gathered overhead.

Father forgive me for this idoltry, this envy, this mistrust. Lord help me to set my eyes on you. Even when the thing I idolize most is set right in front of me, let me turn from it and run to you. Fill my heart with your love and with joy for other's as they enjoy the blessings you have given to them. Open my heart and draw me nearer to you Lord. I pray these things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

This song is amazing btw...