Lately, I've really been trying to focus on the positive... However, it is easy because there are positive things happening in our lives right now :) But I'm learning that every attitude in every situation takes effort.
I don't just wake up in a good mood every morning, not thinking about the fact that I am not yet a mother. Somedays I have to actively choose not to dwell on it. Somedays I have to literally tell myself "You are not going to give in to this negativity today."
Yes I do need those day with a gallon of ice cream, old movies, and a box of kleenex; but I want to be able to choose a better day. And the fact is... I can choose a better day, a better attitude. With God's help, my burden can be lighter.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Showing posts with label Handling Negativity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Handling Negativity. Show all posts
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Infertility Treatment vs. Adoption Wars!?! (borrowed)
Love this post from that I borrowed from this BLOG! It is on the money :)
"I’m as competitive as the next person. Whether I’m playing dominoes, tennis or Trivial Pursuit, I like to win. I don’t often, but I like to. Competition can be a force for good: spurring us, challenging us, pushing us. But competition does NOT belong in family building. It’s one thing if those ignorant of the pain of infertility question our choices, but those within our infertility/adoption community need to support each other. From where I sit with one foot in the infertility world and one foot in the adoption world, I see way too much competition, and it drives me nuts.
Infertile and adopting couples get it from all sides. I probably hear it more because my work and radio show cover the waterfront of all alternative methods of family building, but you don’t have to scratch the surface of many internet forums or support group meetings to hear it for yourself. It may be subtle, but it’s there all the same. People who adopt internationally hear “Why didn’t you adopt children here in the US?” People who adopt infants domestically hear “Why didn’t you adopt from foster care.” People going through IVF, especially after the first failed round, hear “Why don’t you just adopt.” People moving to adoption after infertility hear “Why are you quitting, I know of someone who got pregnant on the _______(third, fifth, tenth) IVF cycle.” And heaven help the folks who choose to adopt without being infertile. They are almost past commenting, but they still hear plenty of “don’t you want children of your own?”
Competition assumes that there is something to win—that one way is better. Oh, if only infertility and adoption were so clear. What’s right for me may not be, and probably isn’t, right for you. And what’s right for you right now, may very likely change in the future. Although we share the pain of wanting children, everyone’s journey is unique.
Many of these comments come from folks who have never needed an alternative way to form their families. They ditch the condoms, buy a bottle of wine, and nine months later welcome a child into their family. For these people, the issue isn’t competition, just ignorance and insensitivity. Deal with them as you see fit, preferably without physical violence.
I want to address the green-eyed monster’s presence within our community. The dirty laundry we wouldn’t necessarily want to share with the rest of the world. People in infertility treatment may question how you can give up the biological connection. People who adopt may question why someone would continue with the uncertainty and expense of infertility treatments. People who adopt domestically may question why someone would adopt from abroad when there are kids right here at home that need families. People using their own eggs for IVF may question how someone could use donor eggs without exhausting all other options first. People who adopt children already born may question why someone would adopt an embryo.
I don’t have a problem with real, honest to goodness questions. I’m all for increased dialog and understanding. But the intent of a real question is to receive information. Many of these so-called questions are veiled, or not so veiled, attempts to judge the other person’s decision. These questions come with an inherent sense of the superiority of one method of family building.
Let’s face it; most of us opt for the easiest way to have kids. For some, there is no easy way, but they choose the next step that feels most comfortable. Ease and comfort are individual and may change with time. We have no control over what other’s outside of the sisterhood and brotherhood of alternative family building say, but we can control what we say. Let’s make a pact to celebrate all forms of family creation and drop the sense, at least outwardly, that one way is the best way. If we end up with the family we want, then we have won."
"I’m as competitive as the next person. Whether I’m playing dominoes, tennis or Trivial Pursuit, I like to win. I don’t often, but I like to. Competition can be a force for good: spurring us, challenging us, pushing us. But competition does NOT belong in family building. It’s one thing if those ignorant of the pain of infertility question our choices, but those within our infertility/adoption community need to support each other. From where I sit with one foot in the infertility world and one foot in the adoption world, I see way too much competition, and it drives me nuts.
Infertile and adopting couples get it from all sides. I probably hear it more because my work and radio show cover the waterfront of all alternative methods of family building, but you don’t have to scratch the surface of many internet forums or support group meetings to hear it for yourself. It may be subtle, but it’s there all the same. People who adopt internationally hear “Why didn’t you adopt children here in the US?” People who adopt infants domestically hear “Why didn’t you adopt from foster care.” People going through IVF, especially after the first failed round, hear “Why don’t you just adopt.” People moving to adoption after infertility hear “Why are you quitting, I know of someone who got pregnant on the _______(third, fifth, tenth) IVF cycle.” And heaven help the folks who choose to adopt without being infertile. They are almost past commenting, but they still hear plenty of “don’t you want children of your own?”
Competition assumes that there is something to win—that one way is better. Oh, if only infertility and adoption were so clear. What’s right for me may not be, and probably isn’t, right for you. And what’s right for you right now, may very likely change in the future. Although we share the pain of wanting children, everyone’s journey is unique.
Many of these comments come from folks who have never needed an alternative way to form their families. They ditch the condoms, buy a bottle of wine, and nine months later welcome a child into their family. For these people, the issue isn’t competition, just ignorance and insensitivity. Deal with them as you see fit, preferably without physical violence.
I want to address the green-eyed monster’s presence within our community. The dirty laundry we wouldn’t necessarily want to share with the rest of the world. People in infertility treatment may question how you can give up the biological connection. People who adopt may question why someone would continue with the uncertainty and expense of infertility treatments. People who adopt domestically may question why someone would adopt from abroad when there are kids right here at home that need families. People using their own eggs for IVF may question how someone could use donor eggs without exhausting all other options first. People who adopt children already born may question why someone would adopt an embryo.
I don’t have a problem with real, honest to goodness questions. I’m all for increased dialog and understanding. But the intent of a real question is to receive information. Many of these so-called questions are veiled, or not so veiled, attempts to judge the other person’s decision. These questions come with an inherent sense of the superiority of one method of family building.
Let’s face it; most of us opt for the easiest way to have kids. For some, there is no easy way, but they choose the next step that feels most comfortable. Ease and comfort are individual and may change with time. We have no control over what other’s outside of the sisterhood and brotherhood of alternative family building say, but we can control what we say. Let’s make a pact to celebrate all forms of family creation and drop the sense, at least outwardly, that one way is the best way. If we end up with the family we want, then we have won."
- I have actually heard the "why don't y'all just adopt?" question... My thought = Why don't you just give me 20-40k bucks? lol
- I have heard "Don't you want to have children of your own?" My thought = Our children, no matter what path is chosen for us, will be our own.
- I have heard "Why are y'all giving up? I haven't given up on y'all" My thought = either way we go, treatment or adoption, we will arrive at the same destination. Neither is giving up. Both are an extraordinary blessing from God... One is not Better than the other in my mind just different ways of getting to the same place... Parenthood :)
Monday, December 12, 2011
How does it feel ?
I have had people try to compare our struggle with trying to become pregnant with their "bad days" or "wanting a day off" or "a day with their misbahaving children" or "wishing they could go back to when they were childless" I KNOW ALMOST ALL OF THESE REMARKS ARE WELL INTENTIONED. That is why I try to let them roll off my back. Because it is impossible for them to truly feel my hurt unless they have experienced it. (Also if you are reading this and have said one of the above. No hard feelings at all! you are not the enemy and I know that)
However, unless any of the above thought-to-be comparable situations send you into a sobbing panic attack where you find it hard to breathe and you cannot even think of speaking because words simply cannot be formed b/t your sobs, your eyes nearly swell shut from crying so hard, and this happens over and over and over again... It just doesn't come close to comparing. I promise that I am not a being overly dramatic and throwing a fit because I can't have something I want and it makes me upset; instead it is a real physical and emotional pain that I have never felt before this in my life! I do not enjoy crying so hard I can't see or having a hard time breathing, it is just HOW I FEEL on somedays.
I AM ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY... But I have a hard time explaining "how I feel about what we are experiencing" to anyone. Since I was very young I have had this thought that I am supposed to be strong and never appear weak (or cry so hard I can't breathe around others). And BOY O BOY how that line of thinking has been turned upside down with this ordeal, lol. I know God is using this time to help me realize I need Him and I do not have to be strong because He is strong for me... I know He wants me to break down in sobs and cry out for help. And I am realizing more and more each day that is what I need to do. And I often do...
BUT when I am discussing our troubles with others it is hard for me to do this... I don't know why, but I just feel the urge to "put on that brave face" and hold back the tears. I literally have had to leave social/family gatherings because I know I am about to breakdown. A friend of mine going through a very similar situation once said "It is like trying to keep that knot in your throat in one spot..." so it does not burst into an uncontrolable breakdown. and I knew exactly what knot she was referring too because I have that same knot everytime I discuss our babymaking obstacles with someone. And then I think "what if?"
What if I stopped trying to control that knot? Would that help others understand what I am feeling? Would it help me to let it out to other people?
I am not sure what the answer to that is. I know that when I "let go" when I am alone with God or with my husband once the tears have passed, sometimes that takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes 4 hours (literally), I feel an amazing peace and comfort come over me.
So... How do I feel when that intense pain comes over me?.. It is all I can do to not fall to the ground (literally), I have a hard time speaking to or seeing people (even if it is a phone call), I literally cannot form words, I literally have to remind myself to breathe, my chest aches, I can hardly see, and I am not really angry... just hurting; that's the best I can describe it. Sometimes it's just 10 minutes and other times it goes on for hours. At the end of it I somehow feel better... but it is an exhausting ordeal :)
I can't control it
BUT God can :)
However, unless any of the above thought-to-be comparable situations send you into a sobbing panic attack where you find it hard to breathe and you cannot even think of speaking because words simply cannot be formed b/t your sobs, your eyes nearly swell shut from crying so hard, and this happens over and over and over again... It just doesn't come close to comparing. I promise that I am not a being overly dramatic and throwing a fit because I can't have something I want and it makes me upset; instead it is a real physical and emotional pain that I have never felt before this in my life! I do not enjoy crying so hard I can't see or having a hard time breathing, it is just HOW I FEEL on somedays.
I AM ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY... But I have a hard time explaining "how I feel about what we are experiencing" to anyone. Since I was very young I have had this thought that I am supposed to be strong and never appear weak (or cry so hard I can't breathe around others). And BOY O BOY how that line of thinking has been turned upside down with this ordeal, lol. I know God is using this time to help me realize I need Him and I do not have to be strong because He is strong for me... I know He wants me to break down in sobs and cry out for help. And I am realizing more and more each day that is what I need to do. And I often do...
BUT when I am discussing our troubles with others it is hard for me to do this... I don't know why, but I just feel the urge to "put on that brave face" and hold back the tears. I literally have had to leave social/family gatherings because I know I am about to breakdown. A friend of mine going through a very similar situation once said "It is like trying to keep that knot in your throat in one spot..." so it does not burst into an uncontrolable breakdown. and I knew exactly what knot she was referring too because I have that same knot everytime I discuss our babymaking obstacles with someone. And then I think "what if?"
What if I stopped trying to control that knot? Would that help others understand what I am feeling? Would it help me to let it out to other people?
I am not sure what the answer to that is. I know that when I "let go" when I am alone with God or with my husband once the tears have passed, sometimes that takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes 4 hours (literally), I feel an amazing peace and comfort come over me.
So... How do I feel when that intense pain comes over me?.. It is all I can do to not fall to the ground (literally), I have a hard time speaking to or seeing people (even if it is a phone call), I literally cannot form words, I literally have to remind myself to breathe, my chest aches, I can hardly see, and I am not really angry... just hurting; that's the best I can describe it. Sometimes it's just 10 minutes and other times it goes on for hours. At the end of it I somehow feel better... but it is an exhausting ordeal :)
I can't control it
BUT God can :)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Turning Over a New Leaf!
I just now saw another fb status of "we're expecting (again)" and for half of a second I thought this same thought that I had a week ago "Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me."
BUT I quickly countered on my own thoughts with "Wait a minute, but I'm moving... I'm not in neutral, just on a different road all together." Ahhhhhhhh Good revealation during a time that could have turned to self pity! :)
Loving God's wisdom!
A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
BUT I quickly countered on my own thoughts with "Wait a minute, but I'm moving... I'm not in neutral, just on a different road all together." Ahhhhhhhh Good revealation during a time that could have turned to self pity! :)
Loving God's wisdom!
A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Envy
Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???
Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol
I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.
Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.
But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 1 Cor 13:4
Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6
Saturday, October 22, 2011
What not to say to an infertile person
Well I heard it again yesterday... Another invasive set of questions, another set of ridiculous suggestions.
It really feels uneasy to me when I say "Who knows we may just not be parents or not be able to have our own kids." And I hear "I don't think you guys are at that point yet." REALLY... U "dont think" we are there yet, and you would know how??? Are you secretly a Reproductive Specialists and I never knew about it... Do you know more about my/our fertility than I do??? I don't think so.
The fact is Mr. R and I have decided to keep some things to ourselves, so to say u "don't think" we are at that point is a bit ridiculous bc how could you have all the facts! And what if we are at that point... What if we adopt...What is "that point" that you speak of exactly??? despair, hopelessness, doom???
Of course I am hopeful that we will concieve our own child. Believe me... That is what I am hoping for. But if this experience has taught me anything it is that nothing is certain or guaranteed! The only certainty we can find is in Christ. Not what "we think" should happen.
I know I am just venting, but comments like this make me wanna forget about opening up about infertility to anyone.
Other comments not to say to an infertile:
U can borrow my kids anytime
Be thankful u haven't had any yet (from someone who's kids misbehave)
How's his sperm count/your eggs (just a bit personal)
It'll happen when it's supposed to happen (this one is true, but I hear it so often I wanna pull my hair out)
You're thinking about it too much (some how my wrong thoughts are causing this. Really?)
Well I would adopt if I was to have problems concieving (adoption won't heal the loss of never being able carry or give birth. While adoption is a blessing I would never want it to be our "last resort". It should be our path God led us down)
Maybe you should just stop trying and it will happen.
Almost everyone who battles infertility is much more educated than the average public about infertility. Chances are they've heard your advice a hundred times already. Just think before you speak is all :)
It really feels uneasy to me when I say "Who knows we may just not be parents or not be able to have our own kids." And I hear "I don't think you guys are at that point yet." REALLY... U "dont think" we are there yet, and you would know how??? Are you secretly a Reproductive Specialists and I never knew about it... Do you know more about my/our fertility than I do??? I don't think so.
The fact is Mr. R and I have decided to keep some things to ourselves, so to say u "don't think" we are at that point is a bit ridiculous bc how could you have all the facts! And what if we are at that point... What if we adopt...What is "that point" that you speak of exactly??? despair, hopelessness, doom???
Of course I am hopeful that we will concieve our own child. Believe me... That is what I am hoping for. But if this experience has taught me anything it is that nothing is certain or guaranteed! The only certainty we can find is in Christ. Not what "we think" should happen.
I know I am just venting, but comments like this make me wanna forget about opening up about infertility to anyone.
Other comments not to say to an infertile:
U can borrow my kids anytime
Be thankful u haven't had any yet (from someone who's kids misbehave)
How's his sperm count/your eggs (just a bit personal)
It'll happen when it's supposed to happen (this one is true, but I hear it so often I wanna pull my hair out)
You're thinking about it too much (some how my wrong thoughts are causing this. Really?)
Well I would adopt if I was to have problems concieving (adoption won't heal the loss of never being able carry or give birth. While adoption is a blessing I would never want it to be our "last resort". It should be our path God led us down)
Maybe you should just stop trying and it will happen.
Almost everyone who battles infertility is much more educated than the average public about infertility. Chances are they've heard your advice a hundred times already. Just think before you speak is all :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
I read these words on a fellow bloggers blog and thought it summed up my reaction to other's reaction to my infertility perfectly.
"I wish everyone else around me could be as okay with my barrenness as I am. I'm not a soul waiting to be saved or a belly waiting for its seed. I'm a mom of another breed - and I'm okay with that!"
I think people ask me "when are y'all gonna have some kids?" on a weekly basis. This question used to elicit a very emotional response. But I am getting used to answering it. I think it just comes with the territory of being in your mid 20s and being married for a few years. However it's not them asking that will get my feathers ruffled, it's their reaction to my "Problems conceiveing" (as some dare to refer to my infertility) that can sometimes be frustrating. Sometimes I just wanna say "It's okay! We just may not be able to conceive a child." (Sigh) I pray that I will be patient when answering questions from the curious. Some people are just ignorant of our situation and sometimes in the moment they feel like they should say something and it just isn't always the right thing to say.
Here is a link to her blog if you'd like to visit it :) I enjoy reading it
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Enjoyed this from Nancy Leigh DeMoss...
Satan will jump on any chance to prevent God's covenant family from growing. But God is stronger than Satan, and if we seek him with all of our heart His promises are abundant :)
“God is the Creator, Author, and Giver of life. Not surprisingly, as the sworn enemy of God, Satan hates life. He has always sought to destroy it. He persuaded Adam and Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit, knowing that if they did, they would die, as God had promised. When Adam and Eve gave birth to two sons, Satan incited the elder of the two to murder his younger brother. Satan is the thief Jesus spoke of who ‘comes only to steal and kill and destroy’ (John 10:10, italics added). His intent and strategy are precisely the opposite of God’s plan, for in the same verse Jesus says, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ As a destroyer of life, Satan is definitely not into encouraging childbearing. Every child that is born has the potential to thwart his purposes by receiving God’s grace and becoming a subject of the kingdom of God. So anything that hinders or discourages women from fulfilling their God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers of life furthers Satan’s efforts.”
Satan will jump on any chance to prevent God's covenant family from growing. But God is stronger than Satan, and if we seek him with all of our heart His promises are abundant :)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tips for Family and Friends
Well, tonight was another night I got asked the dreaded question, lol... "So, when are y'all gonna start having babies?" In my mind I was thinking "2 years ago if it were up to me." BUT of course I did not say that. I still haven't found the best answer to that question yet. Most of the time I reply with "I'm not sure." But then the other person usually follows with... "Well, are y'all trying?" "Y'all need some babies?" or "Why not?"
Since we have been trying for so long I have not asked another person whether or not they are going to have kids. I had no idea the heartache one little question could bring. They say 1 out of 6 couples will experience some sort of infertility.
There are two types of infertility. Primary and Secondary. Primary is the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse for patients 35 years old or younger, or the inability to concieve in a 6 month period for those in the over 35 age group. Infertility also includes the inability to carry a pregnancy to term.
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to concieve or carry a child to termafter one or more live births.
So... Why is it so hard to share with someone if there are so many couples struggling with infertility? I think a big reason for me has been people shrugging it off and saying "You just need more time." "You just need to relax." "Well, you could borrow my kids anytime." I have never experienced heartache comparable to what infertility has caused me. Their have been sooooo many emotions that have come and gone with this trial. Now days, I am much more at peace and content, but there are still days that are hard.
So what do I need from those closest to me... Here are a few tips for friends and family members on how to help someone struggling with infertility:
* Sometimes (Not always) I just need someone to listen. No suggestions, no questions, just silence.
* I need others to acknowledge that the hurt I feel is understandable. I know it is hard for someone who has not experienced the heartache of infertility to understand the pain it can cause. But the heart ache is justifyable. Here is some scripture that I think really gets the point across as to the pain inferitlity can cause.
Proverbs 30:15-16
There are three things that will not be satisfied,
Four that will not say, "Enough":
Sheol, and the barren womb,
Earth that is never satisfied with water,
And fire that nevers says, "Enough."
"Sheol is "the grave" or "death" in the Old Testament. It is personified here with other natural forces as entities that can speak. If they could talk, they would never say "I'm satisfied; I need no more." That is, death would never say, "No one else can die because I'm content that the underworld is full." In the same way, after it has rained, the earth eventually soaks up the water. And a fire, unless it runs out of fuel, will not stop simply because it has burned enough. The barren womb is considered to have a feirce parellel to these natural forces."
* If they do comment on my infertility I would prefer them to keep it simple. Less is more. Saying something like "I'm sorry." "I'm here if you want to talk about it." "I hope your parents someday." "How are you doing?" Those comments do plenty of good for me.
* Accept my honest feelings. Sometimes I need more than just to cry. Sometimes I need to vent and be angry. Encouragement is great, but often I need to "let it all out" and feel comfortable doing so.
* It is nice to hear that my grief is justified. I hate for someone to downplay my feelings and say something like "It's not so bad." or "Why do you let it bother you so much?"
* I will let you know all that I am comfortable with. A simple "How are things?" may get a one word response at one time, and a full 30 minute long conversation the next. When you continue to dig and dig for more information there reaches a point where the conversation is more beneficial for you than it is for me. I will share all that I am comfortable with. When I dodge a question, there is probably a good reason for it. So, for my sake, just let it be, and maybe next time I will be more willing to open up.
*** I need prayers. I used to have a hard time asking others to pray for me. But now I am so thankful when someone says "I've been praying for you." WOW, that brings me instant comfort. Prayer is powerful, and the more the better :)
This is not to critique others responses, but instead help them with the understanding of how they could help a loved one struggling with infertility. Maybe if more people understood, than it would be easier to discuss.
I often ask myself two questions:
Is God good? and Will I trust him?
He is so good, and I will trust Him. Although it is painful at times, He does have a plan for me. His plan for me may not include children at all. But the only way for me to be truly at peace is to rest assured in His plan and Him. Although at times I have wondered how I will go on, I am truly thankful for this entire experience. I have grown more close to God than I could have ever imagined.
Since we have been trying for so long I have not asked another person whether or not they are going to have kids. I had no idea the heartache one little question could bring. They say 1 out of 6 couples will experience some sort of infertility.
There are two types of infertility. Primary and Secondary. Primary is the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse for patients 35 years old or younger, or the inability to concieve in a 6 month period for those in the over 35 age group. Infertility also includes the inability to carry a pregnancy to term.
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to concieve or carry a child to termafter one or more live births.
So... Why is it so hard to share with someone if there are so many couples struggling with infertility? I think a big reason for me has been people shrugging it off and saying "You just need more time." "You just need to relax." "Well, you could borrow my kids anytime." I have never experienced heartache comparable to what infertility has caused me. Their have been sooooo many emotions that have come and gone with this trial. Now days, I am much more at peace and content, but there are still days that are hard.
So what do I need from those closest to me... Here are a few tips for friends and family members on how to help someone struggling with infertility:
* Sometimes (Not always) I just need someone to listen. No suggestions, no questions, just silence.
* I need others to acknowledge that the hurt I feel is understandable. I know it is hard for someone who has not experienced the heartache of infertility to understand the pain it can cause. But the heart ache is justifyable. Here is some scripture that I think really gets the point across as to the pain inferitlity can cause.
Proverbs 30:15-16
There are three things that will not be satisfied,
Four that will not say, "Enough":
Sheol, and the barren womb,
Earth that is never satisfied with water,
And fire that nevers says, "Enough."
"Sheol is "the grave" or "death" in the Old Testament. It is personified here with other natural forces as entities that can speak. If they could talk, they would never say "I'm satisfied; I need no more." That is, death would never say, "No one else can die because I'm content that the underworld is full." In the same way, after it has rained, the earth eventually soaks up the water. And a fire, unless it runs out of fuel, will not stop simply because it has burned enough. The barren womb is considered to have a feirce parellel to these natural forces."
* If they do comment on my infertility I would prefer them to keep it simple. Less is more. Saying something like "I'm sorry." "I'm here if you want to talk about it." "I hope your parents someday." "How are you doing?" Those comments do plenty of good for me.
* Accept my honest feelings. Sometimes I need more than just to cry. Sometimes I need to vent and be angry. Encouragement is great, but often I need to "let it all out" and feel comfortable doing so.
* It is nice to hear that my grief is justified. I hate for someone to downplay my feelings and say something like "It's not so bad." or "Why do you let it bother you so much?"
* I will let you know all that I am comfortable with. A simple "How are things?" may get a one word response at one time, and a full 30 minute long conversation the next. When you continue to dig and dig for more information there reaches a point where the conversation is more beneficial for you than it is for me. I will share all that I am comfortable with. When I dodge a question, there is probably a good reason for it. So, for my sake, just let it be, and maybe next time I will be more willing to open up.
*** I need prayers. I used to have a hard time asking others to pray for me. But now I am so thankful when someone says "I've been praying for you." WOW, that brings me instant comfort. Prayer is powerful, and the more the better :)
This is not to critique others responses, but instead help them with the understanding of how they could help a loved one struggling with infertility. Maybe if more people understood, than it would be easier to discuss.
I often ask myself two questions:
Is God good? and Will I trust him?
He is so good, and I will trust Him. Although it is painful at times, He does have a plan for me. His plan for me may not include children at all. But the only way for me to be truly at peace is to rest assured in His plan and Him. Although at times I have wondered how I will go on, I am truly thankful for this entire experience. I have grown more close to God than I could have ever imagined.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Chapter 2 overview
The Wedded Unmother: Myths and facts
Chapter 2 was very informative. This chapter touched on common myths and facts about infertility. It touched on the different types of infertility and explained them very well.
I enjoyed the fact that they touched on infertility is not just a woman's problem, BUT my favorite part of the chapter was the "Myth: Infertility is caused by the need to just relax." It is true that chronic stress and fatigue can alter your hormones, but most fertility drugs compensate in cases where hormones fall outside of normal ranges. The very first thing my RE did was bloodwork to examine my hormone levels. So it is hard to believe that this would go unnoticed. "Infertility is more likely to cause stress than to be caused by stress." "80 to 85 percent of the time, doctors find a diagnosable medical cause, for which no amount of relaxation will help."
When I hear that phrase "You just need to relax, and it will happen." It makes my skin crawl. It seems to imply something else that is wrong with ME. Or that I am in some way causing it to happen; that it is my "wrong attitude." that is the problem. I know people say this to be encouraging, but the fact is even if I was relaxed as possible I still may never concieve a child.
I also loved the section that told about the Myth: You can always adopt (if you adopt the pain will go away) Adoption is a wonderful solution for some couples, but it does not take the pain away. The 6 key losses stemming from infertility, compiled by Dr. Pat Johnson, are:
1. loss of control
2. loss of individual genetic community
3. loss of a jointly concieved child
4. loss of the pregnancy and birth experience
5. loss of emotional gratification surrounding pregnancy and birth
6. loss of an oppurtunity to nurture and parent a new generation
Another favorite part of this chapter for me was Myth: Infertility is a curse from God. "The only clear connection in scripture of infertility being a curse from God, according to the Old Testament Law, was in the case of adultery." It goes on to explain more on the subject and put your heart at ease that infertility is not a direct curse from God.
I am really enjoying this book. It would be especially helpful to someone just entering the beginning "doom and gloom" stages of infertility. However, I have also found it helpful in many ways. I enjoy the constant references to scripture the most.
You can purchase this book from here if you'd like :)
Chapter 2 was very informative. This chapter touched on common myths and facts about infertility. It touched on the different types of infertility and explained them very well.
I enjoyed the fact that they touched on infertility is not just a woman's problem, BUT my favorite part of the chapter was the "Myth: Infertility is caused by the need to just relax." It is true that chronic stress and fatigue can alter your hormones, but most fertility drugs compensate in cases where hormones fall outside of normal ranges. The very first thing my RE did was bloodwork to examine my hormone levels. So it is hard to believe that this would go unnoticed. "Infertility is more likely to cause stress than to be caused by stress." "80 to 85 percent of the time, doctors find a diagnosable medical cause, for which no amount of relaxation will help."
When I hear that phrase "You just need to relax, and it will happen." It makes my skin crawl. It seems to imply something else that is wrong with ME. Or that I am in some way causing it to happen; that it is my "wrong attitude." that is the problem. I know people say this to be encouraging, but the fact is even if I was relaxed as possible I still may never concieve a child.
I also loved the section that told about the Myth: You can always adopt (if you adopt the pain will go away) Adoption is a wonderful solution for some couples, but it does not take the pain away. The 6 key losses stemming from infertility, compiled by Dr. Pat Johnson, are:
1. loss of control
2. loss of individual genetic community
3. loss of a jointly concieved child
4. loss of the pregnancy and birth experience
5. loss of emotional gratification surrounding pregnancy and birth
6. loss of an oppurtunity to nurture and parent a new generation
Another favorite part of this chapter for me was Myth: Infertility is a curse from God. "The only clear connection in scripture of infertility being a curse from God, according to the Old Testament Law, was in the case of adultery." It goes on to explain more on the subject and put your heart at ease that infertility is not a direct curse from God.
I am really enjoying this book. It would be especially helpful to someone just entering the beginning "doom and gloom" stages of infertility. However, I have also found it helpful in many ways. I enjoy the constant references to scripture the most.
You can purchase this book from here if you'd like :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Handling Debbie Downers...
Through this little adventure we have been on I have learned a very valuable lesson... EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION. While I love to hear their opinions on the matter some of them are judgmental, harsh, and to be honest... just plain ignorant.
I've heard and read others plan of what they would do in my situation so many times... The fact of the matter is, unless they are in the situation themselves they do not know what they would do. Before trying to concieve a baby became an issue in my life I never had an opinion on what I would do if the circumstance would arise. As far as I knew at the time, it wasn't something that I had to think about. The average person doesn't know all of the facts. They do not know the procedures for testing/treatment. They haven't done the research. As good intentioned as their thoughts/advice may be, most people aren't knowledgable enough on the subject to give a well-informed opinion.
It's hard knowing how to handle outside opinions, especially when they are negative. Some solutions for me have been keeping things private to only close friends and family members. Not that I am ashamed at all for others to know, but it seems when people find out that I have been trying to become pregnant for a while they want to tell me a certain sexual position or an eating ritual that will "fix the problem." I know their intentions mean no harm, but it can make for an uncomfortable situation.
I do not in any way want to de-value the importance of others opinions on fertility; I think it is great to hear what those who know you best think on the issue. I think it is especially important if you are a christian, to seek advice from fellow christians about what they think or advice they have.
Bottom line... Don't let the ignorant statements of others get you down. First and foremost go to the lord in prayer and ask for guidance and wisdom; look to scripture before any other literature. Then do your research and examine the facts. Seek advice and help from those who are closest to you and who share your faith. Trust God to lead you in the direction he wants you to go in. Put what pleases him before your own pleasures, and he will hear you.
One of my favorite promises from God:
" 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15
I've heard and read others plan of what they would do in my situation so many times... The fact of the matter is, unless they are in the situation themselves they do not know what they would do. Before trying to concieve a baby became an issue in my life I never had an opinion on what I would do if the circumstance would arise. As far as I knew at the time, it wasn't something that I had to think about. The average person doesn't know all of the facts. They do not know the procedures for testing/treatment. They haven't done the research. As good intentioned as their thoughts/advice may be, most people aren't knowledgable enough on the subject to give a well-informed opinion.
It's hard knowing how to handle outside opinions, especially when they are negative. Some solutions for me have been keeping things private to only close friends and family members. Not that I am ashamed at all for others to know, but it seems when people find out that I have been trying to become pregnant for a while they want to tell me a certain sexual position or an eating ritual that will "fix the problem." I know their intentions mean no harm, but it can make for an uncomfortable situation.
I do not in any way want to de-value the importance of others opinions on fertility; I think it is great to hear what those who know you best think on the issue. I think it is especially important if you are a christian, to seek advice from fellow christians about what they think or advice they have.
Bottom line... Don't let the ignorant statements of others get you down. First and foremost go to the lord in prayer and ask for guidance and wisdom; look to scripture before any other literature. Then do your research and examine the facts. Seek advice and help from those who are closest to you and who share your faith. Trust God to lead you in the direction he wants you to go in. Put what pleases him before your own pleasures, and he will hear you.
One of my favorite promises from God:
" 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15
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