God Never Wastes Your Pain

I LOVE this post from the TrueWoman blog. The post is referring to someone's marriage; however, I can easily see where it would help anyone enduring a painful season. Here it is:



I thought I was dying. I’d lost hope, and saw only the dark shroud of my pain. I knew God was there, but I couldn’t see Him at work.
Some of you may have heard our story when it aired on Revive Our Hearts, or you may have watched the True Woman Video explaining how God worked in our marriage. At the time, I couldn’t see anything God was doing and would never have imagined how He would use that season of pain. But He has!
While in the pain He taught me:

• To trust His faithfulness—especially when I couldn’t see Him working
• To remain and not run—escaping the pain was not the answer
• Disobedience brings painful consequences—realizing that brings a healthy fear of God and hatred for sin
• To never assume I’m right—He wants to use this place to reveal blind spots I’m not aware of
• To keep pressing into Him to see what I’m missing in the big picture
• The best is yet to come—always!
• “We’ve not yet seen the rest of the story” (my theme song while experiencing suffering).

He’s not wasted my pain.

• From the brokenness, He’s brought healing and fruit.
• My husband and I guard our marriage relationship and treasure each moment—knowing we wasted so many years.
• Lessons learned from that season are a source of hope and counsel for numerous couples.
• The story of His power to redeem will be shared in a book I’m writing for Moody Publishers—which will allow more couples to benefit from the lessons in the pain.

Here’s what He can do with your pain:

• Show you more of Himself than you’ve yet seen
• Train you in righteousness
• Increase your faith and dependence on Him
• Allow others to see His sustaining grace as you trust and obey
• Conform you to Christ’s image
• Use you to bring comfort and inspiration to others.

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” (2 Cor. 4:17 KJV)
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Cor. 1:3–4)

Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

What not to say to an infertile person

Well I heard it again yesterday... Another invasive set of questions, another set of ridiculous suggestions.

It really feels uneasy to me when I say "Who knows we may just not be parents or not be able to have our own kids." And I hear "I don't think you guys are at that point yet." REALLY... U "dont think" we are there yet, and you would know how??? Are you secretly a Reproductive Specialists and I never knew about it... Do you know more about my/our fertility than I do??? I don't think so.

The fact is Mr. R and I have decided to keep some things to ourselves, so to say u "don't think" we are at that point is a bit ridiculous bc how could you have all the facts! And what if we are at that point... What if we adopt...What is "that point" that you speak of exactly??? despair, hopelessness, doom???

Of course I am hopeful that we will concieve our own child. Believe me... That is what I am hoping for. But if this experience has taught me anything it is that nothing is certain or guaranteed! The only certainty we can find is in Christ. Not what "we think" should happen.

I know I am just venting, but comments like this make me wanna forget about opening up about infertility to anyone.

Other comments not to say to an infertile:
U can borrow my kids anytime
Be thankful u haven't had any yet (from someone who's kids misbehave)
How's his sperm count/your eggs (just a bit personal)
It'll happen when it's supposed to happen (this one is true, but I hear it so often I wanna pull my hair out)
You're thinking about it too much (some how my wrong thoughts are causing this. Really?)
Well I would adopt if I was to have problems concieving (adoption won't heal the loss of never being able carry or give birth. While adoption is a blessing I would never want it to be our "last resort". It should be our path God led us down)
Maybe you should just stop trying and it will happen.

Almost everyone who battles infertility is much more educated than the average public about infertility. Chances are they've heard your advice a hundred times already. Just think before you speak is all :)

In a nut shell

I've decided rather than several tiny posts documenting my journey with the RE, I will group them into one big post :)

September 8th: Today we went to see Dr. W for an ultrasound, and talk about some meds. The u/s was normal; no abnormalities, cysts, etc. Thank the Lord! And we have decided to try Clomid with an IUI...

Clomid will help me ovulate and cause my ovaries to produce more eggs; increasing potential targets for Mr. R's sperm... Clomid is said to increase your chances for twins by 6%-10%, and for triplets or more by 1%. However, we will be doing another u/s before insemination to see how many follicles have formed to make sure the Clomid hasn't had any crazy effects on me.
Side effects of Clomid can basically magnify any PMS symptoms you usually have... Moodiness, bloating, breast tenderness, hot flashes, etc. There are no increased risked for the egg as far as abnormalities or defects :)

The IUI, intrauterine insemination, is basically, "Making a baby without the fun part" as Dr. E so eloquently says, lol. They will take my hubby's sperm and place them directly into my uterus in hopes to increase the number of sperm that will reach my fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg.You can find more information about IUIs by clicking here.
This does not guarantee that we will get pregnant, it just makes the timing right and circumstances optimal. The sperm still has to seek out the egg from the uterus and make it to the egg on it's own. And my body must do all of it's work correctly as well. The IUI just gives us an advantage. 

So this is what my calender is looking like...

Day 5-9 (of my cycle) take Clomid
Day 14 u/s to examine follicle growth and hCG injection (pending all is ok with u/s)
Day 16 IUI (sept. 22)

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst... Prayer, prayer, prayer... Feeling good about it all though :)

It is, and always will be, in God's hands. And we are both very thankful for that!


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Sept 14

Well Day 4 of Clomid... 1 more to go. And Im feeling good. So far there have been no crazy side effects or nausea...

I am 100% content and happy with the decision we made to proceed with an IUI. We have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.

We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)

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Sept 19
So... It's Monday. In 1 day I will go get my HcG shot to induce ovulation. Yesterday Mr. R said "Only 2 more days."  And I had no idea what he was talking about. A year ago I would've had a countdown on the bathroom mirror, lol. God has given me so much peace and freedom from worry compared to where I was last year. I am so thankful for his provision :)

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Sept 20

So... This a.m. Mr. R and I went down to Dr. W's for the HcG shot (to induce ovulation). They did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries were developing properly and found that I have two "great-looking" follicles on my Right side :) and now we have a 6% chance of twins :-D My estrogen levels needed to be at least 300 (150 for ea follicle) and they were over 800 so that's great too!

I felt the urge to let out a big "WOOHOO!" However my practical side sometimes gets in the way of that, lol. I think it is a self-protection mechanism... I dont want to celebrate to much for fear of being let down. BUT, I need to let that fear go. God is great and he is the overseer of life and abudance; he is capable of any and all things. I should not doubt his power and provision in my life. So "Yiippee! two follicles is great. Thank you God!"

In two days we will go back to Dr. W for the IUI. We talked more about the ethical side of IUIs on the way home. More of the "Is this decision pleasing to God?" talk. And we discussed the man in the flood story.

"There once was a man trapped on his house in a flood. Soon the waters over took him and he began to wade and prayed for God to intervene and rescue him. A rescue helicopter flew by and tried to save him, but he refused them and said 'My God is coming to save me.' A little while later a rescue boat came by and he responded the same way. The man eventually drowned. When he got to Heaven he asked God 'Father, I cried out to you for help. Why didn't you save me?' God responded with 'Who do you think sent the helicopter and boat!'"

This is not to say that all treatments of infertility are right within God's eyes. But the research we have done has revealed to us that God intended for his covenant family to grow. Sin of this world has made conception more difficult for some. While we would never be ok doing certain infertility treatments, we would accept some help to become pregnant. We would supplement our bodies with vitamins if they were lacking, we would remove a tumor even if it were benign, we would do an IUI if it bettered our chances of fulfulling our "God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers". We have prayed and prayed for help, and this IUI may just be that "helicopter or boat" from the other story :)

BUT, if it is not. May Glory be to God all the same :) We are aware there is no way of knowing exactly what His plan is. And although I am praying that His plan is for us to conceive a child, His plan may not be for us to concieve right now. And that is ok because He has promised us that He does indeed have a plan for us :)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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Sept. 22

Today was the day! IUI day that is :) I feel great, some minor cramping. Going to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Praying that we are able to concieve a child if it is God's will. God is faithful and will see us through.

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Sept. 26

So It's been 5 days since our IUI and for the first 4 days I experienced cramping; which has subdued today. Trying to take it easy... No jogging, jumpjacks, etc. LOL. Not sure if "taking it easy" matters or not. I'm trying not to dwell on the matter too much. Trying to remember that I should dwell on things that are Christ centered and remembering that He has taken on the burden of my worry. Go back in 2 days too measure progesterone levels to make sure I ovulated. So that is all for today :) Praying

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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Oct. 1

So 2 days ago I went to have my Progesterone levels checked. They needed to be over 6 to indicate that I had ovulated this cycle... and they were at 36 :-D Yay!

So now... We wait... and wait... and wait... We have become experts at waiting over the past 2 years so this should be no sweat, Right? I would love to look into a crystal ball and know the yes or no to our question. BUT God does not work that way. We are definitely learning patience and that He is in control; so crystal ball or no crystal ball... it is in God's hands and for that reason I am truly not content :-)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


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Oct. 6

Well Aunt Flow showed up last night... I know it will be ok, I know God has a plan beyond my comprehension... I know. But that doesn't take away the pain I am feeling right know. Sad... yep. Tears... yep. Just Heartache right now...

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Oct. 9

Feeling better :) Today I tried to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen in this situation. And that would be that Mr. R and I never become parents. Thinking about that and knowing that it would not be the end of our world is comforting. We do not need to be parents for our lives to be complete. Our lives are complete in Christ and with each other :)

Of course I still want to be a mom someday, I'm not sure if that desire will ever change; But my world will not fall apart if it doesn't happen.

Enjoyed this from Nancy Leigh DeMoss...

“God is the Creator, Author, and Giver of life. Not surprisingly, as the sworn enemy of God, Satan hates life. He has always sought to destroy it. He persuaded Adam and Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit, knowing that if they did, they would die, as God had promised. When Adam and Eve gave birth to two sons, Satan incited the elder of the two to murder his younger brother. Satan is the thief Jesus spoke of who ‘comes only to steal and kill and destroy’ (John 10:10, italics added). His intent and strategy are precisely the opposite of God’s plan, for in the same verse Jesus says, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ As a destroyer of life, Satan is definitely not into encouraging childbearing. Every child that is born has the potential to thwart his purposes by receiving God’s grace and becoming a subject of the kingdom of God. So anything that hinders or discourages women from fulfilling their God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers of life furthers Satan’s efforts.”

Satan will jump on any chance to prevent God's covenant family from growing. But God is stronger than Satan, and if we seek him with all of our heart His promises are abundant :)

Feeling At Peace in The Storm

I don't know what it is about the past few days; I just know that my mind has not been clouded with doubt or worry at all. Maybe it's because Mr. R is coming home, or maybe because my schedule is busy. I am not sure why this peaceful feeling is here, but I feel that the Holy Spirit is definitely at work in me.

I have found an outlet at church to serve, and I am very excited about it :) For so long I have put so much concentration into being a mother and how I would parent/raise my child to follow Christ, it is nice to have a purpose apart from "my plan" (even if it is a small one).

I have been looking into a missions trip that focuses on VBS in a foreign impoverished country. God does not leave all of the doors shut and I am so greatful for his Love and provision. I never gave thought to being a "spiritual mother" until recently; Someone who can set a godly example for a child.

I'll say it again and again, lol... God's plan is greater than I any plan I could ever dream up. I am only getting to see a small fraction of the beautiful picture He is painting.

I compare it to when I am painting a picture. When I first start it is just a rough sketch, then I start filling in the shadows and you start to see some shapes. But, the beauty of the painting is not revealed until the last few hours when the highlights and details are perfected. I know at the end of this their will be a masterpiece, God's masterpiece.

I will look ahead, with expectation, towards the plan He has for me. I will run after Him with all of my heart, because He is the only one that can give me this peace. God is great and He can do great things. I am indeed looking forward to His plan unfolding; whatever the plan may be.

Psalm 5:3 "In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."


I love the story of Jehoshphat and the Moabites and Ammonites. There he is facing an enourmous army and what does he do... He prayed, he declared a fast, and he praised God. He was powerless and so are we. Until we realize this we cannot really appreciate God's provision or surrender ourselves to Him.
2 Chron 20:12 "Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

I love the part "our eyes are on you." What does that mean to you?
To me, it means seeking God with all of your heart, being obedient and repenting when we fall short, turning to him before others, and trusting in him.

Encouragement :)

Stole this from Truewoman.com. It is so encouraging. Loved it!


How Weakness Won a War:

Is there something in your life right now that feels insurmountable? Do you feel abandoned and alone? Take heart, and pay extra close attention to how weakness won a war.

In Judges 7:12, we find Gideon preparing to lead the troops of Israel into a major battle . . . Their enemies—the Midianites, Amalekites and all the other eastern peoples—“had settled in the valley, thick as locusts. Their camels could no more be counted than the sand on the seashore.”

Bad guys as thick as insects with camels as many as the grains of sand on the seashore! This was a battle that would not be easily won, at least not if it depended on the strength of Gideon and his men. So what did Gideon do? He allowed twenty-two thousand of his men to leave, which left him with just ten thousand. It’s a military strategy that the Pentagon won’t be considering any time soon!

I’d be the first to volunteer to join the group that was leaving, being the wimp that I am. Only the very brave remained, but God said Gideon still had too many men . . . and just like that, Gideon’s army shrank to three hundred. And just as the battle cry was about to sound!

“The three companies blew their trumpets and smashed the jars. Grasping the torches in their left hands and holding in their right hands the trumpets they were to blow, they shouted, ‘A sword for the Lord and for Gideon!’ While each man held his position around the camp, all the Midianites ran, crying out as they fled” (vv. 20-21).

Because of God’s strength and power, Gideon and his armies beat an impossible enemy. But why didn’t God let them pummel them with 33,000? The answer is the best part of this story, in my opinion:

“The Lord said to Gideon, ‘You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, announce now to the people, ‘Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead’” (vs. 2-3).

Is it possible that the battle you face today is a reminder that God is strong, you are not, and depending on Him is the only way to win the war? What are you dealing with right now that feels like a battle that cannot be won? Write it down. How is God using your circumstances to show you and others that He is big and strong, and that He is where you should turn for strength? Leave us a comment and tell us about it.

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men” (1 Cor. 1:25).

The Infertility Companion has arrived! Chapter 1 overview

And yes... I do feel like it is the exact companion I have been needing! I have zoomed through the 1st 3 chapters in 1 night. I am going to give a brief overview of each chapter as I work through it. I am already feeling so much more educated on my emotional responses to all of this and I cannot wait to see what else I will learn through reading this. It has already helped so much :)

Chapter 1 Where We've Been: Your Companions in the Ditch 

Chapter one gives a short bio on the Authors of this book. It establishes credibility for both authors, "Sandra" (theinfertility patient) and "Dr. Bill" (the Christian RE).

Some things that stood out to me were:

"I had been told that infertility patients are second only to cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure, and I found them to have a pretty high level of sophistication."
I can see this being true. All the fertility meds, surgeries, and monthly devastation after devastation, it is a hard road for anyone to go down, and yet most continue down it regardless.

"...grief is a friend. I've learned to trust it to take me to the other side of emotional health."
This really stood out to me because I have never cried and laughed at the same time until all of this started. I have always shyed away from becoming to emotionally charged around other people; however, upon the topic of infertility, I cannot control my outburst AT ALL. And I seem to feel somewhat better after them. So many times I have bawled my eyes out and gasped for air while Mr. R is holding me, just to look up at him with a smile a few minutes later and say... "I feel better now."

"The Weaver is making something beautiful of you're life too. It doesnt seem to make since now, and parts of it will never make since on this side of eternity. You're in the midst of knots and tangles, looking at the incomplete picture from the back side. And there are no magic words to make the pain go away. But while you're there, being stretched on the Weaver's loom, know that you are not alone." I definitely shed some tears after reading this one, lol. I here encouragement of God's providence over and over again, and at times I just want to say "I know, I know...", But for some reason this really resignated with me. This one is definitely getting a spot on my bathroom mirror :)

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:17-19
This book references scripture constantly. I love that about it.

And to explain the idea of the "companion in the ditch." There is a little story about a farmer who is driving along and sees that his neighbor has accidentally driven a tractor into a ditch. The neighbor is hopelessly stuck. The farmer does not have a tow chain or a rope, so he does all that he can do - he gets out of his car, climbs into the cab of the tractor, and sits with his friend in the ditch." This book strives to provide some comfort and companionship in the ditch that is infertility.

There were many other noteworthy writings in Chapter one. I would have to copy the entire chapter to make sure all good information was passed along (and I'm pretty sure that is illegal, or I would do it). Stay tuned for an overview of Chapter 2: The Wedded Unmother, Myths and Facts.

You can purchase this book from here if you would like to have a copy for yourself.

It's Starting!

So... It's been a while since I posted; Sorry about that. I've been very busy making time to see my hubby and with some doctors appointments... YES, you read correctly I said doctors appointments!

The hubby and I decided to do some test to see if we could find a cause for not getting pregnant yet. Out of respect for each other, Mr. R and I have decided not to share our test results (good or bad) on this blog.

Dr. W, what I'll call my infertility doctor as of now, was suprisingly laid back and not at all what I was expecting. I was very pleasantly suprised by his approach and the time he took to speak with me. I was terrified he would be a IVF quintuplet making scientist LOL... which needless to say is the opposite of what I am looking for. He let me know immediately that he likes to keep things as simple as possible and IVF was almost a last resort to him. He preferred less invasive treatments when possible, which was a relief to hear!

Interestingly enough... My Hubby was home just a day before my appointment to have a semen analysis ran; that alone is a miracle in itself with his work schedule. On my appointment day my cycle was perfectly lined out to begin the basic testing that day... Everything is working out so perfectly it is almost creepy. I do believe God is at work in this area of our lives (as well as all other areas).

ALSO! Our insurance has covered a great deal of the cost of the tests we had to have ran; which is unbelievable considering most insurance companies do not cover infertility testing. We were expecting to have to pay for everything going into this. Which is another reason we have waited so long before actually doing anything. God provides outlets continuously for us! It is truly by his Grace alone we are able to continue in our pursuit to become parents.

So, in case you're wondering what we are doing now here it goes... I have to call the office on the first day of my next cycle (in a couple of weeks) and start some fertility medication. We are considering having an IUI done when My Hubby gets back home from working in September. For those wondering, an IUI is where Dr. W will take the Hubby's sperm and place it a little closer to my egg at the exact time I am ovulating. The sperm and egg are still doing all the work in my body; They just help the sperm with the journey to the egg at the perfect time... That's the best I can describe it :) However, we haven't officially decided on this yet. Still have many questions to ask, many prayers to be said, and a lot of conversation to be had.

I must say my husband has been amazing through all of this!!! He blows my mind daily with his support and advice. He is such a comfort to me, and I can't imagine going through any of this without him. He has lifted me up from a failed-fetal-position time and time again. He is so sensitive to my feelings, as crazy and ever-changing as they may be. He has been so level headed and comforting during this entire experience; I cannot say enough good things about him.

There is no clear picture in scripture as of what to do in our situation. I have been reading many different opinions and articles on the subject; none are the same, and all of them seem to contradict each other. I am starting to see that it is a matter of the heart, and not as black and white as I would like it to be.

I am trying to keep a Christ centered mind set during all of this. It is hard amongst all of the excitement and running around to keep his pleasure first in my mind. I know all things are in his hands, and that is a huge comfort and security to me. I'm praying for his guidance and for wisdom while we make all of these decisions. I am so humbled by all God has done and is still doing for us. It is amazing to witness it all.

That is all for now. This blog has been amazing for me to vent, and get everything out there. I hope it will help others who may be dealing with a similar situation :)

"So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."
2 Corinthians 5:9

Light Bulb!

Last night before falling asleep, I began to pray to the Lord; in the midst of my prayer I found myself almost negotiating with God to give me a child. I was explaining that "if only" he would bless me with a child I would give this child back to him. Thankfully, I caught myself before elaborating on my negotiations too much. I told myself "No, when the time is right God will give you a child." I then Prayed that the Lord help me to be patient, and forgive me for doubting in his plan for me. I prayed "Lord, please bless me with a child when the time is right for you, and it is your will. Help me to put my faith in you and to depend on you, rather than attempting to control things myself. Help me to realize that apart from you I am helpless. Peace is found only with you through your son Jesus Christ; all of your other blessings are but a brief interlude on the journey to you. If I am to concieve a child it will be for your glory alone, not for my own. Thank you Father for your comfort, provision, and guidance. I pray all these things in your son's name. Amen."

I will still continue to pray that our family will grow. However, I will pray these things for God's glory not my own satisfaction. Glory be to the almighty God. His love is immeasurable.

I Need Thee

I need Thee every hour,

Most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine,
Can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee,
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
Stay Thou near by;
Temptations lose their power,
When Thou art nigh.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
In joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.



I can only find peace in him alone. Not in my husband being within arm's reach, not in a precious newborn baby, Just in Christ alone.

How it all started

Once we made the decision to begin trying to conceive a child we were both ecstatic. No apprehension, no hesitations; we just knew that we were ready for a baby. We were rearing to go. A few months went by with no positive pregnancy tests; I thought to myself "No bother. It can take more than a few months." Then we started with the opks (ovulation predictor kits), opks allow you to know almost exactly when you are ovulating. A few more months went by and still no positive. Yet, we were not discouraged; anxious for the result we desired, but not discouraged. I believe it was around 9 months of trying that I began thinking "Something may be wrong." I had always heard that after 1 year of trying to conceive you should consult a fertility doctor. I began with the "what ifs"; What if we could not conceive a child naturally, how far would we take it? What if we need to adopt? What if, what if, what if... After reaching that 1 year mark, I was frantic. The tears began monthly upon realizing that I was not pregnant. They poured down every time I heard of friend or family member was expecting. I would avoid the baby section when I shopped. A new and unexpected storm crept into my life, and I wanted to run to the corner and hide.

Looking back now, I believe the problem began in the very beginning with "WE just knew that WE were ready for a baby". We were still under the impression that we somehow got to flip a light switch and decide where our life was headed. After the tears, breakdowns, and emotional episodes I suddenly realized that I did not turn to God through any of this; Other than "God please bless us with a child" I had not considered HIS will, HIS timing, HIS plan. I thought "I want a baby now, so I'm going to have one." After the foul truth of my selfish motives had been revealed to me, I crumbled and sought forgiveness; forgiveness for my selfish motives, forgiveness for my wanting to take things into my own hands, forgiveness for idolizing my want for a child. I was truly humbled after this revelation, and I was thankful to have realized it before letting my storm consume me. Although I still have "difficult days", days of envy and jealous thoughts, days of self-pity, days of anger, I can rest easy knowing that my God has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever compile. I know my Father uses all things in my life for my spiritual good and his glory alone. I need not worry or allow myself to be overcome with anxious thoughts "And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:30-31

Here it goes...

I feel the best way to kick this shindig off is to share my testimony. I have been a Christian now for almost 3 years. Although before then I always thought... "Sure, I'm a Christian, I suppose. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe what scripture says. (although I did not practice it)" But it wasn't until a few years ago that God saved me and changed my heart.

Once Mr. R (my husband) and I were married I was very concerned about the success of our marriage. Now let me just say our relationship was superb, we fit together like a hand in a glove; I know now that the anxiety I was feeling was a result of my parent's failed marriage. Being brought up in a broken home made me strive to have a successful marriage and to do all I could to make sure we perservered through any storm that could be headed our way. At this time I was part of a women's bible study, and we were studying the seven virtues of a godly wife and mother. I learned so many valuable lessons from this experience. God's design for marriage was revealed to me and I began to strive to be a woman and a wife that would glorify him. I began to learn the beauty of submission and put it into practice to the best of my ability. I saw my marriage transform from good to amazing.

In learning to submit to my husband I learned to submit to My father. I learned what it was to glorify the lord and to turn to him before all others. I cannot explain it very well... I was just SAVED by the grace of God alone. I did nothing to make it happen, he just changed me, adopted me, softened me, and I cannot begin to express the love I felt from this.

Since then, I have repeatedly seen God's hand in my life. Through many trial's I have seen the Lord's provision. He has demonstrated his faithfulness to me time and time again. I know now that apart from God I am helpless. And although I have good days and bad days through this trial of trying to concieve a child, I know that my God is a faithful one and he knows my needs and hearts desires before I even tell him. The lord is great and is working in my life for my spiritual good and his glory. I am so thankful for his steadfast love.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11