God is AMAZING!

I am witnessing God's faithfulness in our lives constantly during this Christmas season. Sometimes the Lord waits until the very last minute to deliver us. However, the point is.... He does, in deed, deliver His children :) And I am so thankful for that!

When I really feel His love... I mean when it really hits me... I feel completely overwhelmed by it. The Grace He has given is so amazing.

We are starting a new chapter of our lives soon :) I am so excited about it! A new chapter of simplicity, a greater focus on the Lord, and sharing with others.

Lately, I feel the Lord is placing a passion for a certain something in my heart (still keeping a secret, lol). I had NO IDEA this passion even existed until recently :) I have to admit I am kind of nervous about it. I'm not sure where it will take me/us. BUT I do know that God is in the driver's seat. I know that He will provide all things for His plan unfold perfectly.

Prayer request:
Please just pray that the Lord will prepare me and Mr. R's hearts for whatever the future holds :) Pray that we surrender ourselves, our ambitions, our wants to His call. Pray that we have a heart filled with love that only God can provide.

Thank you!

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

 

Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

Conclusion to my 2nd to last post :)

Conclusion: It feels good to let it out sometimes... Maybe not in a hysterical crying way (lol), but def. in a talk about things calmly sort of way :)

Yesterday I had the chance to calmly discuss some of what R and I are going through with a family member. And I gotta tell ya... It felt pretty good :) Now there wasn't any intense emotional conversation, but it was nice that some one was showing some compassion towards our struggle. Not to say that other people don't, but sometimes once people know we have been ttc for a while w/o success they don't say anything about our problem, are very careful to not mention anything baby around us, or almost avoid "it" all together.

Now, I know I blog a lot about insensitive things people say, so it may sound like a contradiction when I say it feels good to discuss our issues with others BUT there is a difference in asking questions for selfish/judgemental reasons and asking them bc you are truly concerned. I love discussing things with those "truly concerned"... it is like free (and much needed) therapy, LOL.

When people literally avoid discussing anything baby with me it makes me feel like they look at me as if something is wrong with me :-/ Like "infertility" is some sort of plague that you should be ashamed of.

On the other hand, there are times that it is hard for me to hear people talk about pregnancy, babies, birth plans. BUT HEY!.. I'm a big girl. If I need to leave the room and cry or pray by myself I'll do it. I would rather mourn not being pregnant than feel like a hush comes over the room when I/we walk in.
P.S. When I do need to "leave the room." I don't need a lot of attention bc of it. Maybe just a little prayer or a hug is all, and some understanding that "it is ok to cry or be upset at times."

"Can I handle all that baby talk?" Well some days yes and some days no... But I definitely know that I cannot handle being isolated from friends/family who are pregnant just bc we are not yet.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.
Romans 12:10

Fallen

After a tear-filled morning of emotional chaos I finally started cleaning up our house. As I made my way upstairs to our master bedroom I began to sraighten up my vanity. On my vanity I have a small ceramic vase... It is VERY UNSTABLE and no matter how hard I try not to knock it over it always falls to the floor while I cringe hoping I haven't destroyed it.

I was picking it up (the same way I do EVERYTIME I clean) I said to myself "I have never seen anything fall so much." and BAM. God spoke to me loud and clear :)

I have never seen anything fall so much... Except for myself. Everyday I fall to the ground and everyday I need someone to pick me up. Just as I pick up that little vase and place it back on my vanity, my Lord is there to pick me up time and time again. Except He will never cringe, and I will never be too damaged for him to repair.

What an amazing peace He offers.     

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:22-24

Time To Move

Not literally, although our home is for sale and it would be great to move soon, lol. But after reading an amazing quote from Joyce Meyer yesterday I had a light bulb moment :)

"You need to be moving if you want God to show you which way to go." -Joyce Meyer

How amazing are those words when put together! Of course I had a moment of "How/what/where should I be moving?" And after a short moment of pondering this, it became clear that the God gives us instructions on how to move as a Christian. For example, focusing my energy on kind gestures to others, sharing the gospel with friends and strangers alike, volunteering (at church or in the community), cooking someone who is sick a meal, etc. There are so many ways to exalt the gifts God has given to me. I am 100% guilty of sitting in my house reading, praying, reading some more, praying some more, and all that is great. However, Jesus came to share the good news with others not to dabble in things this world has to offer. He commands us to share that good news as well. Maybe for some it's a missions trip and for others it may be just a compassionate gesture to a stranger, but the possibilities are endless :)

Have you ever stopped to think why Jesus always references fishers of men, instead of hunters of men??? Think about how fishermen catch their fish; they cast out their nets and see what they get. They do not pick and choose their prizes or stalk a specific animal as a hunter would do. They get what they get. This is how we are called to share the gospel. Throw ourselves out there and see who responds. We should not wait for what we think is the appropriate person to share the good news with, but instead share whenever the oppurtunity arrises and hope that you catch something :)

"And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”"
Matthew 4:19

Envy

Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???

Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol

I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.

Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.


But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  1 Cor 13:4

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6 
   

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

Round 2!

IUI #2

Oct. 9-13 Clomid
Oct. 18 U/S and HCG shot
Oct. 20 IUI
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Oct. 16

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like he is saying TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

____________________________________________________________

Oct 18

U/S showed two nice follicles on left side :)


Oct. 20

Today was the iui day :) In that exam room all I could do was look at my amazing husband, and thank God for the blessing He has given me in Mr. R. He is truly an amazing, selfless man, and I am constantly blown away by how devoted he is to me and our marriage. Thanks shug for all that u have done, are doing, and will do. I am truly blessed to have u :)

___________________________________________________________

Oct 28

Progesterone levels at 45 :)

___________________________________________________________

Nov 3 - Negative test...

Nov 4 - And not one tear yet!!! Yes I am shocked at my lack of an emotional breakdown... But it feels so great not to crumble with defeat :) All of the blessings that God has given to me have been becoming so clear lately. Yes yes... I do want to be a mother, but right now I can honestly say I do not want it "more than anything else". I want to enjoy the life God has so graciously given to me. So for now I am eagerly pursuing the path he has laid out for me. For now treatments/tests are officially paused. I am not at all regretful for pursuing treatment and yes we will still consider treatment in our future. I am very thankful that we have started down this road because we have learned so much about ourselves, and I have learned a TON about my body. Life is good, but God is so much BETTER!

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

My Prayer Today...

My Prayer Today (inspired from a psalm of David, Pslam 22):

"My God... Where are you?
I feel as if you have disappeared from my heart;
abandoned me.
Have you not heard my cries?
I am searching but peace is no where to be found here.

You are the almighty God of David, Abraham, and Isaac
Abba to the Son of Man.
You are Holy; so different from your creation.
You have delivered your people out of turmoil and wrath.
Within your power all things were created.
But have you forgotten me?

I feel so small right now; so insignificant
Please come back to me... Please return to my heart
I am helpless and I know you are the only one who can releive my anguish.
Please deliver me from this sorrow

Amen"



Psalm 22:1-11,19-21 NIV
¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.^[b]
 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.^[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
 ⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.”
 ⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
 ¹¹ Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help.
...
¹⁹ But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

Things I'm Looking Forward to

In the spirit of "trying to stay positive", I've decided to jot down all the things I am looking forward too in my future :) Focusing on those things sometimes reminds me of all the ways that God can work miracles...

1. Being a MOTHER
2. Moving/Selling our house
3. A Successful Baseball Season in 2012
4. Vacation with my husband (not sure when or where... but we are due for one)
5. Christmas :) (my favorite time of the year)
6. Taking some photography courses (I love photography and I am dying to know more!)
7. The farmer's market I recently signed up for
8. Helping someone through a trial in their life
9. Going on a Missions trip (someday)
10. Finishing my study on Revelation

I am blessed in so many ways :)

How it all started

Once we made the decision to begin trying to conceive a child we were both ecstatic. No apprehension, no hesitations; we just knew that we were ready for a baby. We were rearing to go. A few months went by with no positive pregnancy tests; I thought to myself "No bother. It can take more than a few months." Then we started with the opks (ovulation predictor kits), opks allow you to know almost exactly when you are ovulating. A few more months went by and still no positive. Yet, we were not discouraged; anxious for the result we desired, but not discouraged. I believe it was around 9 months of trying that I began thinking "Something may be wrong." I had always heard that after 1 year of trying to conceive you should consult a fertility doctor. I began with the "what ifs"; What if we could not conceive a child naturally, how far would we take it? What if we need to adopt? What if, what if, what if... After reaching that 1 year mark, I was frantic. The tears began monthly upon realizing that I was not pregnant. They poured down every time I heard of friend or family member was expecting. I would avoid the baby section when I shopped. A new and unexpected storm crept into my life, and I wanted to run to the corner and hide.

Looking back now, I believe the problem began in the very beginning with "WE just knew that WE were ready for a baby". We were still under the impression that we somehow got to flip a light switch and decide where our life was headed. After the tears, breakdowns, and emotional episodes I suddenly realized that I did not turn to God through any of this; Other than "God please bless us with a child" I had not considered HIS will, HIS timing, HIS plan. I thought "I want a baby now, so I'm going to have one." After the foul truth of my selfish motives had been revealed to me, I crumbled and sought forgiveness; forgiveness for my selfish motives, forgiveness for my wanting to take things into my own hands, forgiveness for idolizing my want for a child. I was truly humbled after this revelation, and I was thankful to have realized it before letting my storm consume me. Although I still have "difficult days", days of envy and jealous thoughts, days of self-pity, days of anger, I can rest easy knowing that my God has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever compile. I know my Father uses all things in my life for my spiritual good and his glory alone. I need not worry or allow myself to be overcome with anxious thoughts "And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:30-31