Being Patient

Easier said than done right??? Patience has always been something that is difficult for me to master. I think it's because more and more often, in this world, we want something so we push a button or place and order and recieve it. But God doesn't work this way. His timing is hardly ever in line with ours, Knowing that gives me comfort. I will never understand why God allows things that do not make since to happen the way they do. But I do know that He is a holy, unchanging, almighty God. And He has my story already written, and so far it is a beautiful story :) 

What I Want

When I express enthusiasm about adopting/fostering several people say things like "Well I wouldn't want to have to adopt." "Well that would be to hard to give back a baby after caring for it." "I would want to experience pregnancy." ... And I have to admit, I also felt all of these things at one point.

BUT thankfully, this experience has taught me that nothing is about what I wanted. What I wanted was serving me alone, what I wanted was thinking of myself and my husband alone. Now I am filled with a passion for what God wants and serving Christ alone :)

I do want to start giving back to the orphan, fatherless, poor because it is spelled out in scripture that we should do so. God does not say it is optional... He demands it.

Even if R and I do not adopt I still want to give to this ministry in other ways. There are so many ways to give that do not have to include money:

• Pray for them.
• Give your time. Volunteer.
• Mentor a child in need.
• Give financially

I am so glad to have a heart for the children who are without parents. They are so innocent, so undeserving of the bad hand they have been dealt.


So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. Exodus 22:22

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

Conclusion to my 2nd to last post :)

Conclusion: It feels good to let it out sometimes... Maybe not in a hysterical crying way (lol), but def. in a talk about things calmly sort of way :)

Yesterday I had the chance to calmly discuss some of what R and I are going through with a family member. And I gotta tell ya... It felt pretty good :) Now there wasn't any intense emotional conversation, but it was nice that some one was showing some compassion towards our struggle. Not to say that other people don't, but sometimes once people know we have been ttc for a while w/o success they don't say anything about our problem, are very careful to not mention anything baby around us, or almost avoid "it" all together.

Now, I know I blog a lot about insensitive things people say, so it may sound like a contradiction when I say it feels good to discuss our issues with others BUT there is a difference in asking questions for selfish/judgemental reasons and asking them bc you are truly concerned. I love discussing things with those "truly concerned"... it is like free (and much needed) therapy, LOL.

When people literally avoid discussing anything baby with me it makes me feel like they look at me as if something is wrong with me :-/ Like "infertility" is some sort of plague that you should be ashamed of.

On the other hand, there are times that it is hard for me to hear people talk about pregnancy, babies, birth plans. BUT HEY!.. I'm a big girl. If I need to leave the room and cry or pray by myself I'll do it. I would rather mourn not being pregnant than feel like a hush comes over the room when I/we walk in.
P.S. When I do need to "leave the room." I don't need a lot of attention bc of it. Maybe just a little prayer or a hug is all, and some understanding that "it is ok to cry or be upset at times."

"Can I handle all that baby talk?" Well some days yes and some days no... But I definitely know that I cannot handle being isolated from friends/family who are pregnant just bc we are not yet.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.
Romans 12:10

Operation Get Moving!

So because I have fallen into an insane habit of laying around my house doing nothing for the past few weeks. I (with the help of Joyce Meyer's quote) have decided to "move".

How have I/Am I moving today?

• Visited my sister and sick niece :)
• Cleaned our house
• Soon going for a jog with the pup and
•  Made a decision to sacrifice something I enjoy for a bigger purpose. (cant share too many details about this one)

BUT as I was reading Proverbs 8 this morning the focus was on wisdom and being sure to listen to the wisdom that God gives to you. I have been feeling a tug on my heart to do this thing for a while now, however selfishly I have pushed the thought away. But as I read this scripture this morning I quickly realized my mistake.

“ Now therefore, listen to me, my children,

For blessed are those who keep my ways.

³³ Hear instruction and be wise,

And do not disdain it.

³⁴ Blessed is the man who listens to me,

Watching daily at my gates,

Waiting at the posts of my doors.

³⁵ For whoever finds me finds life,

And obtains favor from the LORD; "

Proverbs 8:32-35

'Wisdom offers long term satisfaction and leads to life, while folly, which brings immediate gratification, ultimately leads to death.' In the new testament Jesus is the Wisdom and Word of God.

It's not about me or what I enjoy/want. It's about Christ and God's glory. Things of this world will come and go, but Heaven is forever :)

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

Where's My Window???

Have you ever heard the expression "God doesn't close a door without leaving an open window." Well... I DO believe this is true. God promises that He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11)... But today I can't help but wonder "Where's my window?" LOL

Or better yet... "Which window would you like me to jump through?" I know the Lord has something in mind, but my impatience sometimes gets the best of me :) Although I am excited about all of the "Open windows" God is providing for us, I do wish one window would have a sign beside it saying "Use this window to glorify God!" We are trusting the Holy Spirit to lead us down the right path. I am certain that one direction will appear clear in God's time.

I am so thankful for the many blessings He has given to us :)

"A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree." Proverbs 11:28

Encouraging Article

Stole this from this blog and I love it!!! Can't wait to see which way we will travel... By air or by sea... Both will be rewarding in their own way :)

From a letter written to Dear Abby:
(The author of this letter is the mother of 2 adopted children)

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you, you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait... and wait... and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."
"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

It is amazing to know that not everyone arrives at their destination the same way :)

Round 2!

IUI #2

Oct. 9-13 Clomid
Oct. 18 U/S and HCG shot
Oct. 20 IUI
_____________________________________________________________

Oct. 16

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like he is saying TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

____________________________________________________________

Oct 18

U/S showed two nice follicles on left side :)


Oct. 20

Today was the iui day :) In that exam room all I could do was look at my amazing husband, and thank God for the blessing He has given me in Mr. R. He is truly an amazing, selfless man, and I am constantly blown away by how devoted he is to me and our marriage. Thanks shug for all that u have done, are doing, and will do. I am truly blessed to have u :)

___________________________________________________________

Oct 28

Progesterone levels at 45 :)

___________________________________________________________

Nov 3 - Negative test...

Nov 4 - And not one tear yet!!! Yes I am shocked at my lack of an emotional breakdown... But it feels so great not to crumble with defeat :) All of the blessings that God has given to me have been becoming so clear lately. Yes yes... I do want to be a mother, but right now I can honestly say I do not want it "more than anything else". I want to enjoy the life God has so graciously given to me. So for now I am eagerly pursuing the path he has laid out for me. For now treatments/tests are officially paused. I am not at all regretful for pursuing treatment and yes we will still consider treatment in our future. I am very thankful that we have started down this road because we have learned so much about ourselves, and I have learned a TON about my body. Life is good, but God is so much BETTER!

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Things I'm Looking Forward to

In the spirit of "trying to stay positive", I've decided to jot down all the things I am looking forward too in my future :) Focusing on those things sometimes reminds me of all the ways that God can work miracles...

1. Being a MOTHER
2. Moving/Selling our house
3. A Successful Baseball Season in 2012
4. Vacation with my husband (not sure when or where... but we are due for one)
5. Christmas :) (my favorite time of the year)
6. Taking some photography courses (I love photography and I am dying to know more!)
7. The farmer's market I recently signed up for
8. Helping someone through a trial in their life
9. Going on a Missions trip (someday)
10. Finishing my study on Revelation

I am blessed in so many ways :)

Dreams of Parenting :)

This title is to be taken literally, lol. Last night I had the craziest, most real-feeling dream about Mr. R and I becoming parents... We adopted a boy and his name was Brae... And that is how it was spelled. I can remember all the tiny details, name spelling, hair color, eye color, etc; it is a bit eerie.

We haven't discussed adoption in detail because we feel God is leading us down another path as of now, but... it was refreshing to dream about us as parents :) Gave me a nice picture of what we are hoping our future will be.

Here is a verse I stumbled across this week and I LOVE it...

We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Some Clarity :)

Mr. R and I have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility (or ttc problems) to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.

We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)

How has this trial changed me?

It is amazing how infertility has had a positive affect on my life. As I share with other people it is hard to express my mixed emotions about our experiences. However, if it were not for this experience I would still be in the dark on so many truths I have recently learned.

It is so easy to spout out "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." But do we really mean that every time? I know now that I did not mean that at all times. If the Lord's will was to take my husband from me would I really mean "Thy will be done." Or if he willed us into financial hardships, would I truly mean "Thy will be done." Now I know what that prayer means on an entirely new level. It means surrendering myself to God; submitting to Him alone. It means dying to myself everyday in order to live out the life He has called me to live.

The truth is if I had not had this trial in my life I may have never known what it means to trust in Christ. I pray daily that God will enrich my relationship with Him; bring me closer to Him. Although this storm may have not been what I would have picked to fufill that prayer, God knew that this would bring me into a closer relationship with him. In a way, my infertility struggle has been an answer to my prayers.

Count it all joy, my brothers,^[a] when you meet trials^(B) of various kinds, ³for you know that^(C) the testing of your faith^(D) produces steadfastness. ⁴And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be^(E) perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
 ^5(F) If any of you lacks wisdom,^(G) let him ask God,^(H) who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶But^(I) let him ask in faith,^(J) with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like^(K) a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ^8(L) he is a double-minded man,^(M) unstable in all his ways.
James 1:2-8

Radio Session...

Check out this inspiring Link from Revive Our Hearts, with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Great insight on not idolizing your want for a child as well as other idols :) I enjoyed it, and hope you do too.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10958

Handling Debbie Downers...

Through this little adventure we have been on I have learned a very valuable lesson... EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION. While I love to hear their opinions on the matter some of them are judgmental, harsh, and to be honest... just plain ignorant.

I've heard and read others plan of what they would do in my situation so many times... The fact of the matter is, unless they are in the situation themselves they do not know what they would do. Before trying to concieve a baby became an issue in my life I never had an opinion on what I would do if the circumstance would arise. As far as I knew at the time, it wasn't something that I had to think about. The average person doesn't know all of the facts. They do not know the procedures for testing/treatment. They haven't done the research. As good intentioned as their thoughts/advice may be, most people aren't knowledgable enough on the subject to give a well-informed opinion.

It's hard knowing how to handle outside opinions, especially when they are negative. Some solutions for me have been keeping things private to only close friends and family members. Not that I am ashamed at all for others to know, but it seems when people find out that I have been trying to become pregnant for a while they want to tell me a certain sexual position or an eating ritual that will "fix the problem." I know their intentions mean no harm, but it can make for an uncomfortable situation.

I do not in any way want to de-value the importance of others opinions on fertility; I think it is great to hear what those who know you best think on the issue. I think it is especially important if you are a christian, to seek advice from fellow christians about what they think or advice they have.

Bottom line... Don't let the ignorant statements of others get you down. First and foremost go to the lord in prayer and ask for guidance and wisdom; look to scripture before any other literature. Then do your research and examine the facts. Seek advice and help from those who are closest to you and who share your faith. Trust God to lead you in the direction he wants you to go in. Put what pleases him before your own pleasures, and he will hear you.

One of my favorite promises from God:

" ¹⁴ if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ¹⁵ Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15

It's Starting!

So... It's been a while since I posted; Sorry about that. I've been very busy making time to see my hubby and with some doctors appointments... YES, you read correctly I said doctors appointments!

The hubby and I decided to do some test to see if we could find a cause for not getting pregnant yet. Out of respect for each other, Mr. R and I have decided not to share our test results (good or bad) on this blog.

Dr. W, what I'll call my infertility doctor as of now, was suprisingly laid back and not at all what I was expecting. I was very pleasantly suprised by his approach and the time he took to speak with me. I was terrified he would be a IVF quintuplet making scientist LOL... which needless to say is the opposite of what I am looking for. He let me know immediately that he likes to keep things as simple as possible and IVF was almost a last resort to him. He preferred less invasive treatments when possible, which was a relief to hear!

Interestingly enough... My Hubby was home just a day before my appointment to have a semen analysis ran; that alone is a miracle in itself with his work schedule. On my appointment day my cycle was perfectly lined out to begin the basic testing that day... Everything is working out so perfectly it is almost creepy. I do believe God is at work in this area of our lives (as well as all other areas).

ALSO! Our insurance has covered a great deal of the cost of the tests we had to have ran; which is unbelievable considering most insurance companies do not cover infertility testing. We were expecting to have to pay for everything going into this. Which is another reason we have waited so long before actually doing anything. God provides outlets continuously for us! It is truly by his Grace alone we are able to continue in our pursuit to become parents.

So, in case you're wondering what we are doing now here it goes... I have to call the office on the first day of my next cycle (in a couple of weeks) and start some fertility medication. We are considering having an IUI done when My Hubby gets back home from working in September. For those wondering, an IUI is where Dr. W will take the Hubby's sperm and place it a little closer to my egg at the exact time I am ovulating. The sperm and egg are still doing all the work in my body; They just help the sperm with the journey to the egg at the perfect time... That's the best I can describe it :) However, we haven't officially decided on this yet. Still have many questions to ask, many prayers to be said, and a lot of conversation to be had.

I must say my husband has been amazing through all of this!!! He blows my mind daily with his support and advice. He is such a comfort to me, and I can't imagine going through any of this without him. He has lifted me up from a failed-fetal-position time and time again. He is so sensitive to my feelings, as crazy and ever-changing as they may be. He has been so level headed and comforting during this entire experience; I cannot say enough good things about him.

There is no clear picture in scripture as of what to do in our situation. I have been reading many different opinions and articles on the subject; none are the same, and all of them seem to contradict each other. I am starting to see that it is a matter of the heart, and not as black and white as I would like it to be.

I am trying to keep a Christ centered mind set during all of this. It is hard amongst all of the excitement and running around to keep his pleasure first in my mind. I know all things are in his hands, and that is a huge comfort and security to me. I'm praying for his guidance and for wisdom while we make all of these decisions. I am so humbled by all God has done and is still doing for us. It is amazing to witness it all.

That is all for now. This blog has been amazing for me to vent, and get everything out there. I hope it will help others who may be dealing with a similar situation :)

"So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."
2 Corinthians 5:9

I Need Thee

I need Thee every hour,

Most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine,
Can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee,
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
Stay Thou near by;
Temptations lose their power,
When Thou art nigh.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
In joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.



I can only find peace in him alone. Not in my husband being within arm's reach, not in a precious newborn baby, Just in Christ alone.

How it all started

Once we made the decision to begin trying to conceive a child we were both ecstatic. No apprehension, no hesitations; we just knew that we were ready for a baby. We were rearing to go. A few months went by with no positive pregnancy tests; I thought to myself "No bother. It can take more than a few months." Then we started with the opks (ovulation predictor kits), opks allow you to know almost exactly when you are ovulating. A few more months went by and still no positive. Yet, we were not discouraged; anxious for the result we desired, but not discouraged. I believe it was around 9 months of trying that I began thinking "Something may be wrong." I had always heard that after 1 year of trying to conceive you should consult a fertility doctor. I began with the "what ifs"; What if we could not conceive a child naturally, how far would we take it? What if we need to adopt? What if, what if, what if... After reaching that 1 year mark, I was frantic. The tears began monthly upon realizing that I was not pregnant. They poured down every time I heard of friend or family member was expecting. I would avoid the baby section when I shopped. A new and unexpected storm crept into my life, and I wanted to run to the corner and hide.

Looking back now, I believe the problem began in the very beginning with "WE just knew that WE were ready for a baby". We were still under the impression that we somehow got to flip a light switch and decide where our life was headed. After the tears, breakdowns, and emotional episodes I suddenly realized that I did not turn to God through any of this; Other than "God please bless us with a child" I had not considered HIS will, HIS timing, HIS plan. I thought "I want a baby now, so I'm going to have one." After the foul truth of my selfish motives had been revealed to me, I crumbled and sought forgiveness; forgiveness for my selfish motives, forgiveness for my wanting to take things into my own hands, forgiveness for idolizing my want for a child. I was truly humbled after this revelation, and I was thankful to have realized it before letting my storm consume me. Although I still have "difficult days", days of envy and jealous thoughts, days of self-pity, days of anger, I can rest easy knowing that my God has a plan for me far better than any plan I could ever compile. I know my Father uses all things in my life for my spiritual good and his glory alone. I need not worry or allow myself to be overcome with anxious thoughts "And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:30-31

Here it goes...

I feel the best way to kick this shindig off is to share my testimony. I have been a Christian now for almost 3 years. Although before then I always thought... "Sure, I'm a Christian, I suppose. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe what scripture says. (although I did not practice it)" But it wasn't until a few years ago that God saved me and changed my heart.

Once Mr. R (my husband) and I were married I was very concerned about the success of our marriage. Now let me just say our relationship was superb, we fit together like a hand in a glove; I know now that the anxiety I was feeling was a result of my parent's failed marriage. Being brought up in a broken home made me strive to have a successful marriage and to do all I could to make sure we perservered through any storm that could be headed our way. At this time I was part of a women's bible study, and we were studying the seven virtues of a godly wife and mother. I learned so many valuable lessons from this experience. God's design for marriage was revealed to me and I began to strive to be a woman and a wife that would glorify him. I began to learn the beauty of submission and put it into practice to the best of my ability. I saw my marriage transform from good to amazing.

In learning to submit to my husband I learned to submit to My father. I learned what it was to glorify the lord and to turn to him before all others. I cannot explain it very well... I was just SAVED by the grace of God alone. I did nothing to make it happen, he just changed me, adopted me, softened me, and I cannot begin to express the love I felt from this.

Since then, I have repeatedly seen God's hand in my life. Through many trial's I have seen the Lord's provision. He has demonstrated his faithfulness to me time and time again. I know now that apart from God I am helpless. And although I have good days and bad days through this trial of trying to concieve a child, I know that my God is a faithful one and he knows my needs and hearts desires before I even tell him. The lord is great and is working in my life for my spiritual good and his glory. I am so thankful for his steadfast love.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11