God Never Wastes Your Pain

I LOVE this post from the TrueWoman blog. The post is referring to someone's marriage; however, I can easily see where it would help anyone enduring a painful season. Here it is:



I thought I was dying. I’d lost hope, and saw only the dark shroud of my pain. I knew God was there, but I couldn’t see Him at work.
Some of you may have heard our story when it aired on Revive Our Hearts, or you may have watched the True Woman Video explaining how God worked in our marriage. At the time, I couldn’t see anything God was doing and would never have imagined how He would use that season of pain. But He has!
While in the pain He taught me:

• To trust His faithfulness—especially when I couldn’t see Him working
• To remain and not run—escaping the pain was not the answer
• Disobedience brings painful consequences—realizing that brings a healthy fear of God and hatred for sin
• To never assume I’m right—He wants to use this place to reveal blind spots I’m not aware of
• To keep pressing into Him to see what I’m missing in the big picture
• The best is yet to come—always!
• “We’ve not yet seen the rest of the story” (my theme song while experiencing suffering).

He’s not wasted my pain.

• From the brokenness, He’s brought healing and fruit.
• My husband and I guard our marriage relationship and treasure each moment—knowing we wasted so many years.
• Lessons learned from that season are a source of hope and counsel for numerous couples.
• The story of His power to redeem will be shared in a book I’m writing for Moody Publishers—which will allow more couples to benefit from the lessons in the pain.

Here’s what He can do with your pain:

• Show you more of Himself than you’ve yet seen
• Train you in righteousness
• Increase your faith and dependence on Him
• Allow others to see His sustaining grace as you trust and obey
• Conform you to Christ’s image
• Use you to bring comfort and inspiration to others.

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” (2 Cor. 4:17 KJV)
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Cor. 1:3–4)

Has it really been 2 1/2 years???

Well the 2 1/2 year anniversary (this month) of R and I ttc is starting to sting a little :-/ It's probably because everyone and their mother are pregnant, lol. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them, but all to often I am reminded that after 2 1/2 years we aren't there yet. Of course my emotional state has improved since a year ago. Thanks to the Lord, there are so many "easy days" now. Days I do not dwell on not being a mother; days I am soooooooo content; days I am elated about other people's great news of being pregnant.

I guess I just sit and wonder at times if R and I are so great with kids and have experience with taking care of them and doing a good job at it, why aren't we the ones expecting? I sit back and hope these women with pregnancies realize what a gift they have been given with their buns in the oven. Not that I am an authority on telling others what to be thankful for or anything. I just hope they realize that they have an amazing gift that not every other person is able to have.

Although I know God has a perfect plan for us, it still hurts every month when AF shows up, it still hurts when everyone around me gets pregnant easily and we are wanting it so badly.

I know our day will come... One day we will be ecstatic and know the amazing blessing that a child brings. One day we will love a child with all our might. One day we will decorate the nursery, register, plan family outings and and the rest that comes with loving a baby. I'm looking forward to it and when I think about those times we will spend together as a family I smile :)

How does it feel ?

I have had people try to compare our struggle with trying to become pregnant with their "bad days" or "wanting a day off" or "a day with their misbahaving children" or "wishing they could go back to when they were childless" I KNOW ALMOST ALL OF THESE REMARKS ARE WELL INTENTIONED. That is why I try to let them roll off my back. Because it is impossible for them to truly feel my hurt unless they have experienced it. (Also if you are reading this and have said one of the above. No hard feelings at all! you are not the enemy and I know that)

However, unless any of the above thought-to-be comparable situations send you into a sobbing panic attack where you find it hard to breathe and you cannot even think of speaking because words simply cannot be formed b/t your sobs, your eyes nearly swell shut from crying so hard, and this happens over and over and over again... It just doesn't come close to comparing. I promise that I am not a being overly dramatic and throwing a fit because I can't have something I want and it makes me upset; instead it is a real physical and emotional pain that I have never felt before this in my life! I do not enjoy crying so hard I can't see or having a hard time breathing, it is just HOW I FEEL on somedays.

I AM ABSOLUTELY IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A PITY PARTY... But I have a hard time explaining "how I feel about what we are experiencing" to anyone. Since I was very young I have had this thought that I am supposed to be strong and never appear weak (or cry so hard I can't breathe around others). And BOY O BOY how that line of thinking has been turned upside down with this ordeal, lol.  I know God is using this time to help me realize I need Him and I do not have to be strong because He is strong for me... I know He wants me to break down in sobs and cry out for help. And I am realizing more and more each day that is what I need to do. And I often do...

BUT when I am discussing our troubles with others it is hard for me to do this... I don't know why, but I just feel the urge to "put on that brave face" and hold back the tears. I literally have had to leave social/family gatherings because I know I am about to breakdown. A friend of mine going through a very similar situation once said "It is like trying to keep that knot in your throat in one spot..." so it does not burst into an uncontrolable breakdown. and I knew exactly what knot she was referring too because I have that same knot everytime I discuss our babymaking obstacles with someone. And then I think "what if?"

What if I stopped trying to control that knot? Would that help others understand what I am feeling? Would it help me to let it out to other people?

I am not sure what the answer to that is. I know that when I "let go" when I am alone with God or with my husband once the tears have passed, sometimes that takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes 4 hours (literally), I feel an amazing peace and comfort come over me.

So... How do I feel when that intense pain comes over me?.. It is all I can do to not fall to the ground (literally), I have a hard time speaking to or seeing people (even if it is a phone call), I literally cannot form words, I literally have to remind myself to breathe, my chest aches, I can hardly see, and I am not really angry... just hurting; that's the best I can describe it. Sometimes it's just 10 minutes and other times it goes on for hours. At the end of it I somehow feel better... but it is an exhausting ordeal :)

I can't control it
BUT God can :)
 

The Ugly Truth

Today I am realizing the mistake I have made in planning a large portion my life to revolve around one thing happening... I clearly have too much time on my hands today :(

• 2 years ago we traded in my 2 door car for a more "family-friendly" SUV.
• 2 years ago I decided to change my career aspirations to something that would be more family friendly. therefore discontinuing my college aspirations because my one true passion was to be a mom.
• 3 years ago we bought a large 5 bedroom house because we planned on having a large family.

Somedays I hate all the room that my suv has to offer because it reminds me that I am the only one ever riding in it. Somedays I long to be distracted by a "job" in order to take my mind off of the job that I desperately want. Somedays I am ready to give our house away to avoid walking into the 4 empty rooms; one room perfect for a nursery, another would be a perfect play room.

It is exhausting to be strong in front of everyone. It is exhausting to dwell on the fact that we are not parents. It is exhausting to try to explain your emotions to other people who do not understand. It is exhausting to always be "Aunt L" and never "Mom".

I am tired of crying, yet tired of putting on a brave face for others to see. Tired of staying positive. Tired of insensitive comments. Tired of being compared to such-and-such's friend who took 5 years, or 10 years, or 2 years to get pregnant. Tired of feeling as if I may break down at any second. Just slap worn out over it all... Wish I could hit a switch and turn off my emotions at my convienence.

This is not a typical day for me... But honestly this is what I feel like right this minute... This is the "Ugly Truth" about bad days with infertility.

Praying for some understanding and peace that only God is capable of providing.

I have no idea which step to take next. I have been in the word searching for an answer, praying diligently for a light bulb to go off in my head. Wondering if I have missed something. I don't know which direction God is wanting me to go and why He is keeping His plan for His glory so far away from me (or at least it seems far away)... I don't know what to do. Whether to go left, right, straight, or just stand still. Feels like I am stuck in neutral while all the other cars fly by me. Just praying, praying, praying for something to give... Wish my path would become a little straighter.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

Envy

Before we started our journey of trying to concieve a child I would have never described myself as someone who envyed others. I was never concerned with having more things, money, a better house, etc. I had all I ever wanted as far as I knew. I had a loving husband, a roof over my head, and food on our table. What more could I want???

Well, let me just say, once it became clear that we weren't one of those couples who become pregnant with the snap of our fingers envy reared her evil head! lol

I looked at a pregnant woman and thought "I want that." I looked at new mothers cuddling with their newborns and thought "I want that." I'm ashamed to say, I could no longer hear that another woman was expecting without my mind going directly to my own desires for a child. I hated these envious thoughts that ran through my head everytime I saw a friend's ultrasound or status update on facebook announcing their good news. There I was happy and content as can be, and now all I wanted was what someone else had; so much so that I completely missed the miracle that God had given to these happy couples and mothers. I missed the celebrating, the good news, and all the other good things that come with news of expecting mothers.

Although I will never be completely rid of envy, I can happily say "congratulations!" to expectant friends because I would never want another couple to struggle as we have. Pushing that envy aside grows easier everyday because of God's immeasurable love He has given to me. There are still days I struggle, days I question, days I idolize, but by God's grace I am able to come back to the peace that He so generously offers.


But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  1 Cor 13:4

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Song of Solomon 8:6 
   

"That Girl..."

So... it turns out I am "that girl who can't get pregnant"... Man it stinks somedays. Somedays I wish I were the one showing my husband a positive pregnancy test, and seeing his eyes light up. Somedays I wish I were the one thinking of ways to tell our families the news; thinking of how to decorate the nursery; sharing the "good news" with everyone around us.

But what can I share... I can share my "good news". After all, good news also means gospel. And there is no greater news then what Jesus Christ has done for me, and how He has changed my life :) That's what I can share and hold fast too... I may never get to pick out crib bedding, register at babies r us, or frame an ultrasound picture for my parents. But I am truly blessed to be able to share how Jesus is working in my life, and all He has done for me.

"And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15

Round 2!

IUI #2

Oct. 9-13 Clomid
Oct. 18 U/S and HCG shot
Oct. 20 IUI
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Oct. 16

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans - to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like he is saying TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

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Oct 18

U/S showed two nice follicles on left side :)


Oct. 20

Today was the iui day :) In that exam room all I could do was look at my amazing husband, and thank God for the blessing He has given me in Mr. R. He is truly an amazing, selfless man, and I am constantly blown away by how devoted he is to me and our marriage. Thanks shug for all that u have done, are doing, and will do. I am truly blessed to have u :)

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Oct 28

Progesterone levels at 45 :)

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Nov 3 - Negative test...

Nov 4 - And not one tear yet!!! Yes I am shocked at my lack of an emotional breakdown... But it feels so great not to crumble with defeat :) All of the blessings that God has given to me have been becoming so clear lately. Yes yes... I do want to be a mother, but right now I can honestly say I do not want it "more than anything else". I want to enjoy the life God has so graciously given to me. So for now I am eagerly pursuing the path he has laid out for me. For now treatments/tests are officially paused. I am not at all regretful for pursuing treatment and yes we will still consider treatment in our future. I am very thankful that we have started down this road because we have learned so much about ourselves, and I have learned a TON about my body. Life is good, but God is so much BETTER!

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

In a nut shell

I've decided rather than several tiny posts documenting my journey with the RE, I will group them into one big post :)

September 8th: Today we went to see Dr. W for an ultrasound, and talk about some meds. The u/s was normal; no abnormalities, cysts, etc. Thank the Lord! And we have decided to try Clomid with an IUI...

Clomid will help me ovulate and cause my ovaries to produce more eggs; increasing potential targets for Mr. R's sperm... Clomid is said to increase your chances for twins by 6%-10%, and for triplets or more by 1%. However, we will be doing another u/s before insemination to see how many follicles have formed to make sure the Clomid hasn't had any crazy effects on me.
Side effects of Clomid can basically magnify any PMS symptoms you usually have... Moodiness, bloating, breast tenderness, hot flashes, etc. There are no increased risked for the egg as far as abnormalities or defects :)

The IUI, intrauterine insemination, is basically, "Making a baby without the fun part" as Dr. E so eloquently says, lol. They will take my hubby's sperm and place them directly into my uterus in hopes to increase the number of sperm that will reach my fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg.You can find more information about IUIs by clicking here.
This does not guarantee that we will get pregnant, it just makes the timing right and circumstances optimal. The sperm still has to seek out the egg from the uterus and make it to the egg on it's own. And my body must do all of it's work correctly as well. The IUI just gives us an advantage. 

So this is what my calender is looking like...

Day 5-9 (of my cycle) take Clomid
Day 14 u/s to examine follicle growth and hCG injection (pending all is ok with u/s)
Day 16 IUI (sept. 22)

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst... Prayer, prayer, prayer... Feeling good about it all though :)

It is, and always will be, in God's hands. And we are both very thankful for that!


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Sept 14

Well Day 4 of Clomid... 1 more to go. And Im feeling good. So far there have been no crazy side effects or nausea...

I am 100% content and happy with the decision we made to proceed with an IUI. We have discussed what our limits are, in terms of treatment, and where our stopping point would be. After much prayer and discussion it is nice to finally have a clear line. I believe that it is extremely important for every couple battling infertility to discuss their limits before seeking testing and treatment. Anyone is capable of letting their emotions affect their decision making. And when dealing with an emotional rollercoaster such as infertility, it is best to decide your limits while you have a clear mind.

We are praying that God's glory will continue to be first in our hearts above anything else. And we are praying for His guidance and His wisdom. It is amazing to feel the holy spirit leading us in such a clear direction :)

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Sept 19
So... It's Monday. In 1 day I will go get my HcG shot to induce ovulation. Yesterday Mr. R said "Only 2 more days."  And I had no idea what he was talking about. A year ago I would've had a countdown on the bathroom mirror, lol. God has given me so much peace and freedom from worry compared to where I was last year. I am so thankful for his provision :)

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Sept 20

So... This a.m. Mr. R and I went down to Dr. W's for the HcG shot (to induce ovulation). They did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries were developing properly and found that I have two "great-looking" follicles on my Right side :) and now we have a 6% chance of twins :-D My estrogen levels needed to be at least 300 (150 for ea follicle) and they were over 800 so that's great too!

I felt the urge to let out a big "WOOHOO!" However my practical side sometimes gets in the way of that, lol. I think it is a self-protection mechanism... I dont want to celebrate to much for fear of being let down. BUT, I need to let that fear go. God is great and he is the overseer of life and abudance; he is capable of any and all things. I should not doubt his power and provision in my life. So "Yiippee! two follicles is great. Thank you God!"

In two days we will go back to Dr. W for the IUI. We talked more about the ethical side of IUIs on the way home. More of the "Is this decision pleasing to God?" talk. And we discussed the man in the flood story.

"There once was a man trapped on his house in a flood. Soon the waters over took him and he began to wade and prayed for God to intervene and rescue him. A rescue helicopter flew by and tried to save him, but he refused them and said 'My God is coming to save me.' A little while later a rescue boat came by and he responded the same way. The man eventually drowned. When he got to Heaven he asked God 'Father, I cried out to you for help. Why didn't you save me?' God responded with 'Who do you think sent the helicopter and boat!'"

This is not to say that all treatments of infertility are right within God's eyes. But the research we have done has revealed to us that God intended for his covenant family to grow. Sin of this world has made conception more difficult for some. While we would never be ok doing certain infertility treatments, we would accept some help to become pregnant. We would supplement our bodies with vitamins if they were lacking, we would remove a tumor even if it were benign, we would do an IUI if it bettered our chances of fulfulling our "God-given calling to be bearers and nurturers". We have prayed and prayed for help, and this IUI may just be that "helicopter or boat" from the other story :)

BUT, if it is not. May Glory be to God all the same :) We are aware there is no way of knowing exactly what His plan is. And although I am praying that His plan is for us to conceive a child, His plan may not be for us to concieve right now. And that is ok because He has promised us that He does indeed have a plan for us :)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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Sept. 22

Today was the day! IUI day that is :) I feel great, some minor cramping. Going to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Praying that we are able to concieve a child if it is God's will. God is faithful and will see us through.

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Sept. 26

So It's been 5 days since our IUI and for the first 4 days I experienced cramping; which has subdued today. Trying to take it easy... No jogging, jumpjacks, etc. LOL. Not sure if "taking it easy" matters or not. I'm trying not to dwell on the matter too much. Trying to remember that I should dwell on things that are Christ centered and remembering that He has taken on the burden of my worry. Go back in 2 days too measure progesterone levels to make sure I ovulated. So that is all for today :) Praying

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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Oct. 1

So 2 days ago I went to have my Progesterone levels checked. They needed to be over 6 to indicate that I had ovulated this cycle... and they were at 36 :-D Yay!

So now... We wait... and wait... and wait... We have become experts at waiting over the past 2 years so this should be no sweat, Right? I would love to look into a crystal ball and know the yes or no to our question. BUT God does not work that way. We are definitely learning patience and that He is in control; so crystal ball or no crystal ball... it is in God's hands and for that reason I am truly not content :-)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


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Oct. 6

Well Aunt Flow showed up last night... I know it will be ok, I know God has a plan beyond my comprehension... I know. But that doesn't take away the pain I am feeling right know. Sad... yep. Tears... yep. Just Heartache right now...

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Oct. 9

Feeling better :) Today I tried to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen in this situation. And that would be that Mr. R and I never become parents. Thinking about that and knowing that it would not be the end of our world is comforting. We do not need to be parents for our lives to be complete. Our lives are complete in Christ and with each other :)

Of course I still want to be a mom someday, I'm not sure if that desire will ever change; But my world will not fall apart if it doesn't happen.

My Prayer Today...

My Prayer Today (inspired from a psalm of David, Pslam 22):

"My God... Where are you?
I feel as if you have disappeared from my heart;
abandoned me.
Have you not heard my cries?
I am searching but peace is no where to be found here.

You are the almighty God of David, Abraham, and Isaac
Abba to the Son of Man.
You are Holy; so different from your creation.
You have delivered your people out of turmoil and wrath.
Within your power all things were created.
But have you forgotten me?

I feel so small right now; so insignificant
Please come back to me... Please return to my heart
I am helpless and I know you are the only one who can releive my anguish.
Please deliver me from this sorrow

Amen"



Psalm 22:1-11,19-21 NIV
¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.^[b]
 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.^[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
 ⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.”
 ⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
 ¹¹ Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help.
...
¹⁹ But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

Tips for Family and Friends

Well, tonight was another night I got asked the dreaded question, lol... "So, when are y'all gonna start having babies?" In my mind I was thinking "2 years ago if it were up to me." BUT of course I did not say that. I still haven't found the best answer to that question yet. Most of the time I reply with "I'm not sure." But then the other person usually follows with... "Well, are y'all trying?" "Y'all need some babies?" or "Why not?"

Since we have been trying for so long I have not asked another person whether or not they are going to have kids. I had no idea the heartache one little question could bring. They say 1 out of 6 couples will experience some sort of infertility.

There are two types of infertility. Primary and Secondary. Primary is the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse for patients 35 years old or younger, or the inability to concieve in a 6 month period for those in the over 35 age group. Infertility also includes the inability to carry a pregnancy to term.

Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to concieve or carry a child to termafter one or more live births.

So... Why is it so hard to share with someone if there are so many couples struggling with infertility? I think a big reason for me has been people shrugging it off and saying "You just need more time." "You just need to relax." "Well, you could borrow my kids anytime." I have never experienced heartache comparable to what infertility has caused me. Their have been sooooo many emotions that have come and gone with this trial. Now days, I am much more at peace and content, but there are still days that are hard.

So what do I need from those closest to me... Here are a few tips for friends and family members on how to help someone struggling with infertility:

* Sometimes (Not always) I just need someone to listen. No suggestions, no questions, just silence.

* I need others to acknowledge that the hurt I feel is understandable. I know it is hard for someone who has not experienced the heartache of infertility to understand the pain it can cause. But the heart ache is justifyable. Here is some scripture that I think really gets the point across as to the pain inferitlity can cause.

Proverbs 30:15-16
There are three things that will not be satisfied,
Four that will not say, "Enough":
Sheol, and the barren womb,
Earth that is never satisfied with water,
And fire that nevers says, "Enough."

"Sheol is "the grave" or "death" in the Old Testament. It is personified here with other natural forces as entities that can speak. If they could talk, they would never say "I'm satisfied; I need no more." That is, death would never say, "No one else can die because I'm content that the underworld is full." In the same way, after it has rained, the earth eventually soaks up the water. And a fire, unless it runs out of fuel, will not stop simply because it has burned enough. The barren womb is considered to have a feirce parellel to these natural forces."

* If they do comment on my infertility I would prefer them to keep it simple. Less is more. Saying something like "I'm sorry." "I'm here if you want to talk about it." "I hope your parents someday." "How are you doing?" Those comments do plenty of good for me.

* Accept my honest feelings. Sometimes I need more than just to cry. Sometimes I need to vent and be angry. Encouragement is great, but often I need to "let it all out" and feel comfortable doing so.

* It is nice to hear that my grief is justified. I hate for someone to downplay my feelings and say something like "It's not so bad." or "Why do you let it bother you so much?"

* I will let you know all that I am comfortable with. A simple "How are things?" may get a one word response at one time, and a full 30 minute long conversation the next. When you continue to dig and dig for more information there reaches a point where the conversation is more beneficial for you than it is for me. I will share all that I am comfortable with. When I dodge a question, there is probably a good reason for it. So, for my sake, just let it be, and maybe next time I will be more willing to open up.

*** I need prayers. I used to have a hard time asking others to pray for me. But now I am so thankful when someone says "I've been praying for you." WOW, that brings me instant comfort. Prayer is powerful, and the more the better :)


This is not to critique others responses, but instead help them with the understanding of how they could help a loved one struggling with infertility. Maybe if more people understood, than it would be easier to discuss.

I often ask myself two questions:
Is God good? and Will I trust him?

He is so good, and I will trust Him. Although it is painful at times, He does have a plan for me. His plan for me may not include children at all. But the only way for me to be truly at peace is to rest assured in His plan and Him. Although at times I have wondered how I will go on, I am truly thankful for this entire experience. I have grown more close to God than I could have ever imagined.

Sometimes I lose the battle...

Tonight was nearly a devastation. I sat with 2 pregnant women speaking of there pregnancies. Listened to another friend as she talked about the amazing feeling of having your baby move inside you and what a joy it is.

As I sat I felt myself giving into Envy. Envious thoughts raced through my head. I tried to battle them away but they kept creeping back in. I found myself wanting to leave to avoid these things. I found myself thinking "Why don't I have that?", "What did I do to deserve this?", "It's not fair, everyone thinks I'm amazing with children, so why dont I have my own."

Even as I blog this now I feel my eyes swelling with tears. Sometimes the pain of it all is overwhelming. I want to share in those pregnant women's joy. I don't want to feel heartache when they speak of their unborn child. I want to share their excitement and happiness.

Although tonight was not the most victorious one during this trial, all will be ok. I have a God who is soverign over all, he loves me more than I am capable of knowing. His providence and promises see me through these difficult times. This is a favorite passage of mine.
 
" ¹⁴ if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ¹⁵ Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15

Some days are harder than others, but I can still see God's promises through the dark clouds that have gathered overhead.

Father forgive me for this idoltry, this envy, this mistrust. Lord help me to set my eyes on you. Even when the thing I idolize most is set right in front of me, let me turn from it and run to you. Fill my heart with your love and with joy for other's as they enjoy the blessings you have given to them. Open my heart and draw me nearer to you Lord. I pray these things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

This song is amazing btw...

I Need Thee

I need Thee every hour,

Most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine,
Can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee,
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
Stay Thou near by;
Temptations lose their power,
When Thou art nigh.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour,
In joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide,
Or life is vain.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.



I can only find peace in him alone. Not in my husband being within arm's reach, not in a precious newborn baby, Just in Christ alone.