Looking Back I Just Have To Laugh

As I am going through our things while packing up the house for the big move, I am finding all sorts of things that I had bought to prepare for our little bundle of joy. A bundle of joy that I just new would be here within the year... Things like:


A bib to surprise R with when the pregnancy test was + that says I heart my Daddy

Initials to decorate and hang on the wall for a boy name or girl name (although our name choices have changed)

A charm pack for sewing our baby's first quilt.

Wall decals for the nursery saying: Holding you, I hold everything

A Honda Pilot for toting my little bundle of joy around with me and having plenty of space for all the kids we were going to have :)



It's funny how you have a plan for your life and then you realize God's plan is sooooo much better.
His plan may push you beyond what you ever thought you could handle. It may make you examine your entire thought processing. It may convict you right in your tracks. It may be difficult, but in the end the reward is so much sweeter than the pain.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Thankful For The Rough Sea

Some days I find myself slipping back into the "doom and gloom era" of our ttc journey, but at those times I am usually reminded of how much I love and trust in God's sovereignty. I refocus myself on His provision. Without those "bad days" I would not have had days where I have grown spiritually. Without that pain I would not know the amazing truths that I have learned along the way. What are some of those truths?

• God's plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with.
• I am so broken... so in need of God's grace. And He wants me to cry out to Him at all times.
• Nothing is about ME or my "wants", but God's glory alone.
• Trusting in myself, my husband, medicine, etc. is pointless. I can trust in God alone and He will meet all of my needs.
• LOVE others. All of God's covenant children are equal spiritually. No one person more righteous or more deserving than the other

As I look at this list of just a few of the truths that have been revealed to me how can I not be thankful for the struggle :) I want to know more, grow more, lean on God more!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.
Mark 8:34-35

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6

Where's My Window???

Have you ever heard the expression "God doesn't close a door without leaving an open window." Well... I DO believe this is true. God promises that He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11)... But today I can't help but wonder "Where's my window?" LOL

Or better yet... "Which window would you like me to jump through?" I know the Lord has something in mind, but my impatience sometimes gets the best of me :) Although I am excited about all of the "Open windows" God is providing for us, I do wish one window would have a sign beside it saying "Use this window to glorify God!" We are trusting the Holy Spirit to lead us down the right path. I am certain that one direction will appear clear in God's time.

I am so thankful for the many blessings He has given to us :)

"A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree." Proverbs 11:28

The "Adoption Seed"

At church we have been going through the miracle of adoption. Not from the world's viewpoint but from a Godly viewpoint.

As Christians we have all been adopted into God's covenant family. It is only by the blood of Christ that we are able to enter into this covenant and cry out "Father". God is the Father over all of us. He loves us regardless of our last name, our families reputation, our past sins, etc. No one Christian comes before the other and that simplicity is what it is all about: BELIEVE, ask for forgiveness, repent, and obey. That's the formula :) And that is why so many people struggle with Christianity because it's hard to understand how it can be so easy... so simple. But because of Jesus Christ dying on the cross it is that easy! That was his message :)

I'm starting to see adoption not as a possible solution, but as a blessing. Just look at the blessing we have been given by our true and holy Father to come into his family. What a blessing it would be to offer that same love to another person.

Now, now do not be alarmed!... Although contrary to my normally impulsive nature, I am not going to run out and contact an adoption agency tomorrow, lol. First off it is not an easy process and secondly it is not a cheap process. I don't know if this new view will help Mr. R and I or not; I may just be able to offer some advice to others who are struggling in a similar situation. We still have some treatment options that we are willing to explore, BUT our limitations on which infertility treatments we are willing to undergo may someday cause us to reevaluate our position on adoption. And I am actually excited about the possibility that we could one day be adoptive parents! I know that if God does lead us in the direction of adoption it in no way will be an easy road, but if it is what He wants for us He will make a way :)

Adoption will in no way take away pain caused by infertility and it should not be pursued as a "second option." So having said that I am now waiting like a spectator; excited to see the plan God has in store for us. To concieve, to adopt, or something else... I truly cannot wait for it to unfold!

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:27

 

Just My Thoughts...

To sum up how I'm feeling right now I will use this quote from a fellow IF blogger:

"...I have gotten really good at letting God rewrite our plans -  to fall in line with his. I'm a mixed bag of emotions as we head down this road again. My tank is running about 90/10. Ninety percent certain of God's faithful hand and ten percent shaken at the prospect of what that means."

I feel like I am continuously asking God... "What do you want me to learn from this?" I feel like the answer is TRUST.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” Psalm 20:7

My Prayer Today...

My Prayer Today (inspired from a psalm of David, Pslam 22):

"My God... Where are you?
I feel as if you have disappeared from my heart;
abandoned me.
Have you not heard my cries?
I am searching but peace is no where to be found here.

You are the almighty God of David, Abraham, and Isaac
Abba to the Son of Man.
You are Holy; so different from your creation.
You have delivered your people out of turmoil and wrath.
Within your power all things were created.
But have you forgotten me?

I feel so small right now; so insignificant
Please come back to me... Please return to my heart
I am helpless and I know you are the only one who can releive my anguish.
Please deliver me from this sorrow

Amen"



Psalm 22:1-11,19-21 NIV
¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.^[b]
 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.^[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
 ⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.”
 ⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
 ¹¹ Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help.
...
¹⁹ But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

I Could Use a Balloon :(

Sometimes God gives us answers as clear as a bell, but other times we just can't hear him. However, scripture teaches us to wait patiently. God has already given us so many answers how could I want the answer to something else. But it would be nice if I could know "When?". Not how or by what means, but when will we be parents. Deep down I know it is in God's best interest that all things are so uncertain. It is the uncertainty of this world that causes us to cling to Him. But some days I am wishing for that, message in a bottle or note in a balloon that says "You and Mr. R will be parents on _______."

However... The answer is here already. I feel like my Father in Heaven is saying "Seek me for your peace, seek me for your comfort, seek me for your family. Put me first before all others." So I am trying my best to push that "When?" question away and to cling to God's plan instead

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21 

He has laid out a path for us to follow... And it begins and ends with Him :)

Feeling At Peace in The Storm

I don't know what it is about the past few days; I just know that my mind has not been clouded with doubt or worry at all. Maybe it's because Mr. R is coming home, or maybe because my schedule is busy. I am not sure why this peaceful feeling is here, but I feel that the Holy Spirit is definitely at work in me.

I have found an outlet at church to serve, and I am very excited about it :) For so long I have put so much concentration into being a mother and how I would parent/raise my child to follow Christ, it is nice to have a purpose apart from "my plan" (even if it is a small one).

I have been looking into a missions trip that focuses on VBS in a foreign impoverished country. God does not leave all of the doors shut and I am so greatful for his Love and provision. I never gave thought to being a "spiritual mother" until recently; Someone who can set a godly example for a child.

I'll say it again and again, lol... God's plan is greater than I any plan I could ever dream up. I am only getting to see a small fraction of the beautiful picture He is painting.

I compare it to when I am painting a picture. When I first start it is just a rough sketch, then I start filling in the shadows and you start to see some shapes. But, the beauty of the painting is not revealed until the last few hours when the highlights and details are perfected. I know at the end of this their will be a masterpiece, God's masterpiece.

I will look ahead, with expectation, towards the plan He has for me. I will run after Him with all of my heart, because He is the only one that can give me this peace. God is great and He can do great things. I am indeed looking forward to His plan unfolding; whatever the plan may be.

Psalm 5:3 "In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."


I love the story of Jehoshphat and the Moabites and Ammonites. There he is facing an enourmous army and what does he do... He prayed, he declared a fast, and he praised God. He was powerless and so are we. Until we realize this we cannot really appreciate God's provision or surrender ourselves to Him.
2 Chron 20:12 "Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

I love the part "our eyes are on you." What does that mean to you?
To me, it means seeking God with all of your heart, being obedient and repenting when we fall short, turning to him before others, and trusting in him.

Radio Session...

Check out this inspiring Link from Revive Our Hearts, with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Great insight on not idolizing your want for a child as well as other idols :) I enjoyed it, and hope you do too.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10958

Handling Debbie Downers...

Through this little adventure we have been on I have learned a very valuable lesson... EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION. While I love to hear their opinions on the matter some of them are judgmental, harsh, and to be honest... just plain ignorant.

I've heard and read others plan of what they would do in my situation so many times... The fact of the matter is, unless they are in the situation themselves they do not know what they would do. Before trying to concieve a baby became an issue in my life I never had an opinion on what I would do if the circumstance would arise. As far as I knew at the time, it wasn't something that I had to think about. The average person doesn't know all of the facts. They do not know the procedures for testing/treatment. They haven't done the research. As good intentioned as their thoughts/advice may be, most people aren't knowledgable enough on the subject to give a well-informed opinion.

It's hard knowing how to handle outside opinions, especially when they are negative. Some solutions for me have been keeping things private to only close friends and family members. Not that I am ashamed at all for others to know, but it seems when people find out that I have been trying to become pregnant for a while they want to tell me a certain sexual position or an eating ritual that will "fix the problem." I know their intentions mean no harm, but it can make for an uncomfortable situation.

I do not in any way want to de-value the importance of others opinions on fertility; I think it is great to hear what those who know you best think on the issue. I think it is especially important if you are a christian, to seek advice from fellow christians about what they think or advice they have.

Bottom line... Don't let the ignorant statements of others get you down. First and foremost go to the lord in prayer and ask for guidance and wisdom; look to scripture before any other literature. Then do your research and examine the facts. Seek advice and help from those who are closest to you and who share your faith. Trust God to lead you in the direction he wants you to go in. Put what pleases him before your own pleasures, and he will hear you.

One of my favorite promises from God:

" ¹⁴ if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ¹⁵ Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place." 2 Chronicles 7:14-15