Well, tonight was another night I got asked the dreaded question, lol... "So, when are y'all gonna start having babies?" In my mind I was thinking "2 years ago if it were up to me." BUT of course I did not say that. I still haven't found the best answer to that question yet. Most of the time I reply with "I'm not sure." But then the other person usually follows with... "Well, are y'all trying?" "Y'all need some babies?" or "Why not?"
Since we have been trying for so long I have not asked another person whether or not they are going to have kids. I had no idea the heartache one little question could bring. They say 1 out of 6 couples will experience some sort of infertility.
There are two types of infertility. Primary and Secondary. Primary is the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse for patients 35 years old or younger, or the inability to concieve in a 6 month period for those in the over 35 age group. Infertility also includes the inability to carry a pregnancy to term.
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to concieve or carry a child to termafter one or more live births.
So... Why is it so hard to share with someone if there are so many couples struggling with infertility? I think a big reason for me has been people shrugging it off and saying "You just need more time." "You just need to relax." "Well, you could borrow my kids anytime." I have never experienced heartache comparable to what infertility has caused me. Their have been sooooo many emotions that have come and gone with this trial. Now days, I am much more at peace and content, but there are still days that are hard.
So what do I need from those closest to me... Here are a few tips for friends and family members on how to help someone struggling with infertility:
* Sometimes (Not always) I just need someone to listen. No suggestions, no questions, just silence.
* I need others to acknowledge that the hurt I feel is understandable. I know it is hard for someone who has not experienced the heartache of infertility to understand the pain it can cause. But the heart ache is justifyable. Here is some scripture that I think really gets the point across as to the pain inferitlity can cause.
Proverbs 30:15-16
There are three things that will not be satisfied,
Four that will not say, "Enough":
Sheol, and the barren womb,
Earth that is never satisfied with water,
And fire that nevers says, "Enough."
"Sheol is "the grave" or "death" in the Old Testament. It is personified here with other natural forces as entities that can speak. If they could talk, they would never say "I'm satisfied; I need no more." That is, death would never say, "No one else can die because I'm content that the underworld is full." In the same way, after it has rained, the earth eventually soaks up the water. And a fire, unless it runs out of fuel, will not stop simply because it has burned enough. The barren womb is considered to have a feirce parellel to these natural forces."
* If they do comment on my infertility I would prefer them to keep it simple. Less is more. Saying something like "I'm sorry." "I'm here if you want to talk about it." "I hope your parents someday." "How are you doing?" Those comments do plenty of good for me.
* Accept my honest feelings. Sometimes I need more than just to cry. Sometimes I need to vent and be angry. Encouragement is great, but often I need to "let it all out" and feel comfortable doing so.
* It is nice to hear that my grief is justified. I hate for someone to downplay my feelings and say something like "It's not so bad." or "Why do you let it bother you so much?"
* I will let you know all that I am comfortable with. A simple "How are things?" may get a one word response at one time, and a full 30 minute long conversation the next. When you continue to dig and dig for more information there reaches a point where the conversation is more beneficial for you than it is for me. I will share all that I am comfortable with. When I dodge a question, there is probably a good reason for it. So, for my sake, just let it be, and maybe next time I will be more willing to open up.
*** I need prayers. I used to have a hard time asking others to pray for me. But now I am so thankful when someone says "I've been praying for you." WOW, that brings me instant comfort. Prayer is powerful, and the more the better :)
This is not to critique others responses, but instead help them with the understanding of how they could help a loved one struggling with infertility. Maybe if more people understood, than it would be easier to discuss.
I often ask myself two questions:
Is God good? and Will I trust him?
He is so good, and I will trust Him. Although it is painful at times, He does have a plan for me. His plan for me may not include children at all. But the only way for me to be truly at peace is to rest assured in His plan and Him. Although at times I have wondered how I will go on, I am truly thankful for this entire experience. I have grown more close to God than I could have ever imagined.
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